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State Of The Alley

Posted by ScooterJ February 5, 2019 Spring 2019, Week 3 View Score Sheets

Thank you very much Monica, AJ, members of the league, and Freda, the First Lady of the league. And my fellow bowlers. We meet tonight at a moment of unlimited potential, as we prepare to begin a new Tournament of Champions, I stand here ready to roll with you and pick up difficult splits. Dozens of our fellow citizens are watching us, gathered in this bowling alley, hoping we will roll not as eleven teams, but as one league.

I would like to begin by acknowledging the great work of BDE. They are unable to join us this evening, as they have been directed to attend to the mounting crisis at our southern border along Lane 12, where a caravan of invaders from Wabash and Tuesday Early are expected to arrive any week now. Because of the importance of their mission, they will be bowling later in the week. I shall tweet out a report on the matchup between BDE and Extreme Outliers when the scores come in. It is for this reason that so many results are tintative. I will provide KFCs and hamberders and Pizza Huts to the eventual winner.

On lanes 3 & 4: We have accomplished a fantastic deal with oppressive regime of Pin Is King through meetings with our top foreign strategy team, Scoot's Raging Bone Spur. He is such a great leader, that Michael Gordon, much like me with his 577 series. But faced with the threat of my new ambassador, Scott Murdock and his 480 series, my Bone Spurs matched the King evenly and we saw eye to eye and split the series. Pin Is King tetanusly remains in 5th place, while Bone Spurs tentacly remain in 4th.

On lanes 5 & 6: My very favotite of teams, simply the best and the brightest, the true bowlers who share the best values and are the shining example of hardworking folk — #MGAGA — were mercilesly heckled and jeered by protesters who Just Don't Give a Split. Uniting behind the leadership of Jonathan Vigliaturo with his historic 586,000,000 series, the Hashtags covfefed 3 wins against a team that has so far only had two bowlers each week, always in a different combinaton. Phil Schroeder with his 490 series was the Liberal leading the Splits, but only got a single win. #MGAGA remains in 1st place thanks to all I have done for them, while Split Not Given remains in 6th.

On lanes 7 & 8, Bowl Movements benefited from my great program that delivers blind people to one team every week for them to have someone they can bowl better than. Featuring tentative #1 Head-to-Head and Most Valuable Bowler Joe Meyer and his death-defying 464 series, Movements achieved a clean sweep over the Blind Team. Bowl Movements climb 1 spot in the standings to 8th place (tenetively), while the Blind Team remains in 12th for ever and ever amen.

On lanes 9 & 10: A product I absolutely do not need to use for my doctor tells me I am in perfect virile health, The Pin Is Mightier was put to use by JoAnne's Dirty PJs. Emboldened by Curtis Whiles with his above-average 557 series, the Mightiers collected 3 wins against Dirty PJs. Simultaneously, Jeremy Varnell with his 454 series inspired Dirty PJs despite his team notching only a single win. The Pin Is Mightier tenatively remains in 10th place, while Dirty PJs tenavitally sink 1 spot to 9th.

Finally, down on lanes 11 & 12: I have directed my new head guy in the Department of Commerce, a great guy who has done excellent work, to provide support to re-open key Open Frames R Us locations after they were shut down by the unfair monopoly CICK Ass. Your know, Open Frames R Us was led by Monica Hufford, a wonderful woman with a 475 series. But the liberal billionaire and tentative #1 Power-Ranked Carl Bezos and his failing fake news Wahingbowl Post (with only 629 readers a 629 series) crushed the spirits and dreams of these important entreprendoers. Open Frames R Us tentativelky remains in 7th place, while CICK Ass tintatively climbs 1 spot to 2nd.

We must keep bowling alive in our souls. And we must always keep faith in our league’s destiny — that our 11 teams, under AMF, must be the hope and the promise and the light and the glory among all the leagues of the bowling alley! Thank you. Scoot bless you, and AJ bless your payment envelopes. Thank you very much

Bowlers invited to join me at Mar-a-Largo The 200 Club include: Aaron Barber (239), Carl Goetz (255), Curtis Whiles (235), Dennis Walling (216), Ian Goetz (233), Jeremy Cline (206), Jonathan Vigliaturo (209,200), Ken M. Wilson (227), Michael Gordon (203), Nick Kinney (200), and Russell Bingham (208)

A new personal high game was set tonight by Curtis Whiles (235, previous best 225).

Monica Hufford claimed the season's women's high series with her 475. In addition, Carl Goetz nabbed both high game and series for the men this season with his 255 and 629, respectively.

The Tournament of Champions begins next week. Here are the final division assignments for this season:

DIVISION 1
1. Russell Bingham
2. Seth Gunderson
3. Carl Goetz
4. Michael Gordon
5. Jeremy Cline
6. Jonathan Vigliaturo
7. Ken Wilson
8. Ian Goetz
9. Aaron Barber
10. Aubrey Moren
11. Nick Kinney
DIVISION 2
1. Matthew Taylor
2. Conor Clarke
3. Dennis Walling
4. Curtis Whiles
5. Phil Schroeder
6. Scott Murdock
7. Dennis Laube
8. Sean Miller
9. Rob Kaszuba
10. Monica Hufford
11. Jeremy Varnell
DIVISION 3
1. Chadwick Andrews
2. Ben Spencer
3. AJ Hofmann
4. James Tott
5. Neil Hufford
6. Alison Radke
7. Joe Meyer
8. Josh Rothermel
9. Luke Melton
10. Ben Conaghan
11. Pat Hamell
DIVISION 4
1. Freda Schroeder
2. JoAnne Gordon
3. Emily Nicolet
4. Chantal Jacot
5. Tony Marin
6. Chuck Kissee
7. Dennis Cummings
8. Christy Schlosser
9. Michael Whiles
10. Nicole Yancy
11. Emily DeCoursey

Because we have so many bowlers this season, all players will pass through an Interdivisional Bracket at least twice during the season. In addition, each week one player from each division will have an opportunity to play with him or her self while we all watch. Kinky! Each person will play with themself at some point this season, and if your seed number above is 11 you will get to play with yourself twice.

TOURNAMENT PLAY BEGINS NEXT WEEK!


NEXT WEEK:

  • First, on lanes 1&2, 2nd-place CICK Ass will share a couple of pitchers with 12th-place Ray & Stevie (forfeit). CICK Ass are expected to drop their averages like a brick as they lose the series but avoid getting swept; while the Blind Team is forecast to just sit in motionless silence.
  • Moving to lanes 3&4, 8th-place Bowl Movements will meet with 10th-place The Pin Is Mightier (hcp 41). Movements might roll a little low, yet still manage to win the series; while Mightiers ought to hold steady as they avoid getting swept.
  • Then, over on lanes 5&6, 11th-place Extreme Outliers (hcp 403) will test their mettle against 9th-place JoAnne's Dirty PJs. Outliers will likely tank their averages considerably as they get swept; while Dirty PJs will probably drop their average a bit even as they rack up a sweep.
  • Next up, on lanes 7&8, 4th-place Scoot's Raging Bone Spur (hcp 44) will socialize with 6th-place We Don't Give a Split. Bone Spurs might maintain their current strength as they and split the series with Split Not Given; while Split Not Given ought to drop their average a bit while they keep the series tied.
  • Moving to lanes 9&10, 1st-place #MGAGA will chill with 7th-place Open Frames R Us (hcp 149). Hashtags will likely perform well and sweep the series; while Open Frames will probably drop their average a bit while they endure a rough night.
  • Finally, on lanes 11&12, 5th-place Pin Is King will hang out with 3rd-place BDE (hcp 580). PinIs Kings are predicted to have a bit of an off night, yet still manage to sweep the series; while BDE is anticipated to see their team average take a dive while they endure a rough night.

*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB


Joe Meyer
Runner Up:
(See Posting)

  #1 POWER BOWLER


Carl Goetz
Runner Up:
Joe Meyer

  #1 H2H BOWLER


Joe Meyer
Runner Up:
Jonathan Vigliaturo

  FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE)
"Ok, explain this to me again. You need your ankle reset again because they do WHAT to you after turkeys?!?"

Scoot's orthopedic surgeon, after Scoot was violated in all sorts of creative ways last night.

EXPANDED STANDINGS
Pos. Team name Record Percent Total Pins Change
1 #MGAGA 11-1 .917 6,571 n/a
2 CICK Ass 10-2 .833 5,755 +1
3 Scoot's Raging Bone Spur 8-4 .667 4,978 +1
4 Pin Is King 7-5 .583 6,427 +1
5 BDE 6-6 .500 5,600 -3
6 We Don't Give a Split 6-6 .500 5,449 n/a
7 Open Frames R Us 5-7 .417 4,894 n/a
8 Bowl Movements 5-7 .417 4,824 +1
9 Extreme Outliers 5-7 .417 3,682 +2
10 JoAnne's Dirty PJs 4-8 .333 4,545 -2
11 The Pin Is Mightier 4-8 .333 4,357 -1
12 Holy Forkin Shirt Balls 0-12 .000 1,440 n/a

Top Individual Achievements for Week 3
Men's High Series Scratch Women's High Series Scratch
Carl Goetz - 629
Jonathan Vigliaturo - 586
Michael Gordon - 577
Nick Kinney - 565
Ian Goetz - 564
Monica Hufford - 475
Alison Radke - 409
JoAnne Gordon - 359
Freda Schroeder - 341
Christy Schlosser - 291
Men's High Series Handicap Women's High Series Handicap
Carl Goetz - 686
Curtis Whiles - 660
Joe Meyer - 653
Nick Kinney - 634
Jonathan Vigliaturo - 634 (t)
Ian Goetz - 619
Monica Hufford - 585
JoAnne Gordon - 584
Alison Radke - 553
Freda Schroeder - 549
Christy Schlosser - 543
Men's High Game Scratch Women's High Game Scratch
Carl Goetz - 255
Aaron Barber - 239
Curtis Whiles - 235
Ian Goetz - 233
Ken Wilson - 227
Monica Hufford - 178
JoAnne Gordon - 159
Alison Radke - 138
Freda Schroeder - 124
Christy Schlosser - 108
Chantal Jacot - 108 (t)
Men's High Game Handicap Women's High Game Handicap
Carl Goetz - 274
Curtis Whiles - 269
Aaron Barber - 258
Ian Goetz - 251
Dennis Walling - 242
JoAnne Gordon - 234
Monica Hufford - 214
Freda Schroeder - 193
Christy Schlosser - 192
Alison Radke - 186
Men's Pins Over Average Women's Pins Over Average
Carl Goetz - 79
Curtis Whiles - 78
Aaron Barber - 63
Ian Goetz - 56
Joe Meyer - 51
JoAnne Gordon - 53
Monica Hufford - 24
Christy Schlosser - 13
Freda Schroeder - 11
Nicole Yancy - 8


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