The fifth week of Fall 2025 thundered into the alley with the force of destiny itself. One team clawed their way up the standings while another plummeted like a dropped bowling ball. Sparks flew as two bowlers etched new personal-best series into history’s ledger, and one hero claimed a brand-new personal high game. Among the women, JoAnne Barber seized the crown with a scorching 166 game and a 411 series. For the men, Nick Kinney stormed the lanes with a mighty 211, while Ian Estey’s relentless strikes earned him the top series of 557. Read on, for the pins fell, the cheers roared, and the drama was nothing short of epic!

Looks like somebody ought to lay off the catnip next week

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: Gutterly Hopeless found themselves in a contest with FFK and theirt injured mascot. Reinforced by trifecta-winner (#1 Head-to-Head, #1 Power-Ranked, and Most Valuable Bowler) Chris Lenz and his thunderous 457 series, Hopeless didn’t just roll — they rolled over Fluffykins with a glorious clean sweep. “It feels like the curse has finally lifted,” said JoAnne Barber, grinning after her high game. Meanwhile, Dustin Schmeltz carried the banner for Fluffykins with a valiant 481 series, but his catnip-infused efforts couldn’t prevent the sting of being swept into the litterbox. Gutterly Hopeless soared with delight, climbing to 4th place, while Fluffykins staggered downward into 5th, licking their wounds and wondering what might have been.

The most realistic photo possible of battered and beaten squid drifting downward to the bottom of the Mariana Trench, the DEEEEEPest depths of the ocean.

On lanes 3 & 4: In what should have been a lopsided clash one way but instead became so lopsided the other way that rattled the gutters and shimmied the repaird flappy-thing, the brutes of Squid Row tangled with the unexpectedly brutier brutes of Bowls Deep. Despite Matthew Taylor’s underwhelming attempt to rally the Squids with a lackluster 507 series, their tentacles grasped only a single win before slipping back into the depths. The Deep, however, surged forward with Chris Hagan’s spirited 453 series lighting the path. “We’re finally swimming in the right direction,” Hagan declared, eyes gleaming with pride, as Bowls Deep reeled in 3 wins. Squid Row clung desperately to their 3rd-place perch, while Bowls Deep remained marooned in 6th — but for one night, hope flickered bright in the Deeeep.

The Tariffs found themselves repealed this week. Stupid Obama-appointed activist scoreboards! This will be reversed!

Finally, down on lanes 5 & 6: No! Not Theo! squared off against Trump's Tariff Turkeys. Let me tell you, it was incredible, absolutely incredible. Everybody’s saying it — probably the best bowling you’ve ever seen. You had Ian Estey, who by the way is a total winner, people love him, rolling an above-average 557 series. Totally dominating. So much winning, you’re going to get tired of winning! And the Tariff Turkeys, well, let’s be honest, they were more like sleepy chickens. Very sad. AJ Hofmann did a 464, which is fine, but frankly, not good enough. They only won one game. ONE! Just like Democrat-run cities, they’re falling apart. Believe me. And I hear they’re still talking about tariffs, but guess what? Nobody bowls tariffs, okay? Maybe the National Guard could help them, because they looked like they needed backup out there. Meanwhile, No! Not Theo! stays at number one — the best — while the Turkeys stay stuck in second place, folks. “We’re not going to stop until we’ve bowled all the way to glory,” said Buck Nasty, flashing a grin that could light up the alley.

The night ended with jubilation for the victors and heartbreak for the fallen, the echoes of crashing pins mingling with groans of despair and shouts of triumph. Week 5 has redrawn the battlefield lines, and the league barrels toward a climax that promises even greater showdowns. The question remains: who will rise, and who will be left in the gutters?

Bowlers getting the VIP treatment in The 200 Club include: Nick Kinney (211)

A new personal high game was set tonight by Jacob Holst (156, previous best 152). In addition, new personal best series were rolled by Chris Hagan (453, previous best 452) and Jacob Holst (407, previous best 398).

JoAnne Barber earned both this season's women's high game and series with her 166 and 411, respectively.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Ian Estey won Division 1, while Chris Windham vanquished Division 2. Nobody claimed victory in Division 3 (though Chris Hagan came closest), and Chris Lenz trounced Division 4. In terms of overall points: Ian Estey runs the show in Division 1; Chris Windham and Dustin Schmeltz reign over Division 2 in a tie; Nathan Burrows holds the reins in Division 3; and Chris Lenz governs Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 76) will socialize with 2nd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys. Deeeeeep is expected to maintain their current strength as they get swept; while Tariff Turkeys are forecast to hold steady as they rack up a sweep.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 1st-place No! Not Theo! will face 5th-place FFK (hcp 109). Not Theo! might roll a little low, yet still manage to win the series; while Fluffykins ought to hold steady as they avoid getting swept.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 4th-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 132) will throw some gutter balls with 3rd-place Squid Row. Hopeless are predicted to maintain their current strength as they get swept; while Squids are anticipated to raise their average while they rack up a sweep.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Chris Lenz Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Chris Lenz Runner Up: Mike Fitzgerald	#1 H2H BOWLER Chris Lenz Runner Up: Ian Estey
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Scoot, this game is too easy." Chris Hagan, to Scott Murdock, after Chris ended game 2 with 4 consecuctive strikes as his team obliterated Squid Row for the second time.