Because the team named for my beautiful TARIFFS has jumped into first place -- the highest place, a level never before seen, I, your Favorite President Donald J. Trump, am writing this week's recap. The third week of Fall 2025 was absolutely tremendous, folks — really historic. We saw winners rise, losers tumble, and believe me, everybody was talking about it. Two teams climbed the standings — beautiful climbing, the best kind — while two very sad, very weak teams slipped down. Cat Atwood, who is just terrific, totally dominated with this week’s high game (150) and series (391) for the women, while Aaron Barber — a tremendous bowler, by the way — delivered the men’s high game (211) and series (615). And now the Tournament of Champions divisions are set, ready for some incredible, one-on-one action beginning next week. People are calling it the best lineup in history. And I delivered even more winning in this week's bingo results! Read on — it only gets better!

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: We had Bowls Deep — very deep, very complicated name — going head-to-head with Gutterly Hopeless. And let me tell you, folks, Hopeless wasn’t so hopeless this week. Even though Chris Hagan did very nicely with his 380 series, Bowls Deep — not so deep tonight — could only grab 1 win. Sad! Meanwhile, Jeremy Varnell, with his 382 series, led the Hopeless crew to 3 big wins. “It felt like draining the swamp,” Jeremy said, very proudly. Bowls Deep is stuck in (January) 6th, Gutterly Hopeless stays in (pleading the) 5th, and let me tell you — Hopeless was so excited, some of them said it felt like winning a lawsuit against fake news ABC. Bowls Deep, on the other hand, devastated. Totally devastated. One of them whispered, “We’re drowning in the deep end, and nobody’s sending the National Guard.”

On lanes 3 & 4: It was Trump's Tariff Turkeys — a name that wins, believe me — taking on FFK (people call them Fluffykins, weak name, weak team). And what happened? Exactly what I predicted. Tariff Turkeys, led by the absolutely tremendous AJ Hofmann and his powerful 502 series, dominated Fluffykins, taking 3 wins. They gobbled them up, folks, just gobbled them up! “We were feeling big, beautiful energy all night,” AJ said. Meanwhile, Fluffykins tried. They had Ryan Sisco subbing in, did a decent 401 series, and Cat Atwood did her Most Valuable Bowler thing, but only 1 win. One win! They’re very sad. Trump’s Tariff Turkeys soared straight to 1st place — the top, folks, the very top. “We’re winning because of Trump’s tariffs,” said Scott Murdock, smiling, “and without Trump, these Democrat-run leagues wouldn’t even have bowling alleys.” True!

This calamari needs more ketchup

Finally, on lanes 5 & 6: Squid Row took on No! Not Theo!. It was brutal, folks. Squids, with Dennis Walling and his very impressive 567 series — #1 Power-Ranked — thought they had it made. But guess what? They lost everything. Swept! Totally swept. A disaster. “It was like watching tariffs get ruled illegal by the Obama-appointed activist judges,” Dennis muttered. No! Not Theo! — with the absolutely amazing Aaron Barber, who is this week’s #1 Head-to-Head with his 615 series — just crushed them. It wasn’t even close. “We just had to keep winning, like Trump keeps winning,” Ian Estey said. Squid Row was devastated, falling 2 spots to 3rd place. No! Not Theo! went wild with joy, leaping 2 spots into 2nd. Let me tell you, Squid Row looked like they wanted to pack up and move to Ukraine. Terrible, just terrible.

The Tournament of Champions begins next week, folks, and it’s going to be the biggest, most talked-about event in league history. Division 1 has Ben Spencer, Buck Nasty — a truly nasty person who asks a lot of fake questions for his failing network —, Dennis Walling, Ian Estey, Matthew Taylor, Nick Kinney, Scott Murdock, and a Vacancy — some very strong, some very weak. Division 2 — even stronger — has AJ Hofmann, Carl Mueller, Chris Windham, Dustin Schmeltz, Scott Thompson, Seth Gunderson, Tim Deddens, and another Vacancy. Division 3 has Chris Hagan, Jeremy Varnell, JoAnne Barber, Kurt Fredrickson, Nathan Burrows, Scott Lawson, and two Vacancies — maybe Sleepy Joe will fill one. Division 4, the best division, has Brian Schaben, Cat Atwood, Chris Lenz, Jacob Holst, Jim Koger, Mike Fitzgerald, and two Vacancies. Incredible people.

Did your favorite friend not make it into your division? Don’t panic. Every 4th week, everybody mixes. Total excitement, the kind you only get when Trump is in charge. This season is going to be huge, believe me. Everybody is saying it: the best bowling season ever. And remember, folks — Trump’s Tariff Turkeys are in first place because of one man. Me. Without me, there is no winning.

Bowlers who are definitely not on the fake Epstein hoax list and are invited to Mar-a-Lago to hang out with Melania and ME at The Golden 200 Club include: Aaron Barber (209,211), Dennis Walling (208), and Nick Kinney (203).

Thank you for your attention to this matter. DJT

Cat Atwood earned both this season's women's high game and series with her 150 and 391, respectively. In addition, Aaron Barber bagged the season's men's high series with his 615.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 1st-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys (estimated hcp 48) will meet with 3rd-place Squid Row. Tariff Turkeys are expected to roll a little low and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Squids are forecast to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 2nd-place No! Not Theo! will throw some gutter balls with 5th-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 144). Not Theo! might roll a little low and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Hopeless ought to raise their average while they enjoy their victories.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 27) will match wits with 4th-place FFK. Deeeeeep is predicted to roll decently and sweep the series; while Fluffykins are anticipated to hold steady as they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Cat Atwood Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Dennis Walling Runner Up: Nick Kinney	#1 H2H BOWLER Aaron Barber Runner Up: Dennis Walling
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Good News! Our handicap is made in America, so it's exempt from tariffs!" Cat Atwood, exploiting a loophole after a 60% tariff was levied upon her team's handicap