The Fall 2025 season is now underway, with six teams entering the 16-week competition for the coveted, nonexistent championship trophy. Two bowlers shattered their own limits with new personal best series. JoAnne Barber claimed this week's high game (134) and series (359) for the women, proudly declaring, "You've only seen a small teased of my striking power." On the men's side, Buck Nasty lived up to his name with a monstrous 201 game, while Matthew Taylor stormed the lanes with a 577 series. The season has begun, the pins are trembling, and the drama is only just heating up. Read on for the mayhem, and don't forget to check out the bingo results, too!

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: Pins were flying at levels never before seen as Gutterly Hopeless took on Trump's Tariff Turkeys. Folks, it was unbelievable, really incredible. You've got Gutterly Hopeless — people said they couldn't win, they said it for years — "totally hopeless," they said. But Jeremy Varnell, fantastic bowler, throws a 411 series — some are saying it's one of the best 411s they've ever seen, maybe ever — and suddenly Hopeless doesn't look so hopeless anymore. Tremendous energy, tremendous people. Then you've got my Tariff Turkeys, and let me tell you, nobody loves tariffs more than me, nobody — and nobody bowls like Scott Murdock. A 478 series, folks, he was striking so much they thought the scoreboard was rigged. Totally dominant. Both teams — very strong, very tough — and they split the series. Perfectly even, perfectly balanced, like only I could arrange it. Gutterly Hopeless leaves the gate in 4th place, very respectable, very classy people. The Tariff Turkeys — 3rd place, and believe me, they're just getting started. "We bowled beautifully, maybe the best anyone's ever bowled," bragged AJ. Jeremy fired back, "Hopeless? Fake news. We're winners now."

On lanes 3 & 4: In the fastest matchup of the night, one member Bowls Deep faces a cruel onslaught from the wretched brutes of No! Not Theo!. Alone, abandoned, and defiant, Chris Hagan of Bowls Deep fought like a knight with his sword — or rather, his 452 series — and managed to pry one single win from Theo's grasp. But on the other side, Nick Kinney flexed his top-ranked power with a thunderous 562 series. Backed by Bucky, Ian, and Seth, Theo's gang didn't just win — they conquered, taking 3 games and leaping triumphantly into 1st place. "This is our season, and the pins already know it," laughed Nick. Meanwhile, Chris, drenched in metaphorical sweat and solitude, sighed, "It was just me out there, man. One against four. But I'll be back for blood." Bowls Deep drifts into 5th, while Not Theo! erupts into first place glory.

Finally, down on lanes 5 & 6: With a battle so mismatched it felt like David bowling against four Goliaths, the meek kittens of FFK stood up against the cephalopod storm of Squid Row. Dustin Schmeltz clawed his way to a 430 series, a lone bright spark as Fluffykins pounced on only 1 win. But Squid Row had tentacles everywhere, tightening their grip around the scoreboard. Matthew Taylor unleashed his 577 series like a kraken from the deep, dragging his team to 3 thrilling wins. "We're just getting started — the ocean's ours," said Ben with a grin. Cat from FFK shook her head in disbelief: "It was like they had eight arms, and we had nothing but these tiny fuzzy paws." FFK sinks into 6th place, devastated, while Squid Row surges upward into 2nd, leaving nothing but wreckage behind them.

Bowlers slipping into The 200 Club include: Buck Nasty (201) and Matthew Taylor (200)

New personal best series were rolled tonight by Buck Nasty (541, previous best 476) and Chris Hagan (452, previous best 411).

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place FFK (hcp 152) will tussle with 1st-place No! Not Theo!. Fluffykins are expected to maintain their current strength as they win the series; while Not Theo! is forecast to see their team average take a dive while they avoid getting swept.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 4th-place Gutterly Hopeless (estimated hcp 136) will match wits with 2nd-place Squid Row. Hopeless might maintain their current strength as they get swept; while Squids ought to drop their average a bit even as they enjoy their victories.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 3rd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys will throw some gutter balls with 5th-place Bowls Deep (estimated estimated hcp 224). Tariff Turkeys are predicted to have a bit of an off night but still win the series; while Deeeeeep is anticipated to -- you know who the fuck knows since these guys are all on vacation so no telling who will show up.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB No one Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Nick Kinney Runner Up: Matthew Taylor	#1 H2H BOWLER Nick Kinney Runner Up: Ben Spencer
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Man, I kept grabbing Nathan's balls by mistake tonight!" Ben Spencer, "by mistake".