The Fall 2025 season concludes with little fanfare as No! Not Theo! officially secured the championship title a week ago, delivered with the swagger of a team that has spent all season scattering pins and expectations alike. Yet even amid this victory, a strange chill hovered over the bowling alley, for as the first frames of the night were rolling, a startling discovery was made outside: Chris Lenz’s car had been broken into. A smashed window, a disturbed interior, and the unmistakable sense that someone had been where they should not have been. And whoever did it… remains unknown.
Still, the night marched on. After all, next week’s meeting — complete with prize money, awards, celebrations, and 9-pin-tap — awaits. But before we reach that final gathering, we must examine this last, chaotic, crime-shadowed night.
On the lanes, standings shifted like tectonic plates: one team rose, one team slipped. Cat Atwood captured the women’s high game with a sharp 145, JoAnne Barber snagged the women’s high series with a commanding 401, Dustin Schmeltz slammed down a 214 for men’s high game, and Nick Kinney obliterated the men’s field with his monstrous 557 series. The Tournament of Champions ended with razor-edge drama, Brian Schaben taking first by tiebreaker and Chris Hagan locking in second. (Though JoAnne Barber replaced the absent Nathan Burrows in the Tournament, she was eliminated before the purse.)
But as we dive into the matches, the question hangs like the smell of onion rings over Kenny's deep fryer: Who broke into Chris Lenz’s car? Who was lurking around the lot while game one was underway? And did any bowler see — or do — something they shouldn’t have?
Bowls Deep
Bowls Deep stormed into lanes 1 and 2 with the confidence of a team ready to rewrite their own fate — and indeed, their three wins erupted with an excitement that rippled right down to the pit of each pinsetter. Chris Hagan led the charge, delivering a resounding 432 series that towered above his average. His 152 and 165 in the opening two games seemed to rattle the machinery with their velocity, and whispers circulated that Hagan’s desire for a second-place tournament finish later that night had ignited something primal in him. Brian Schaben, poised to earn his tiebreaker victory in the Tournament of Champions, opened hot with a 131 that soared past his 109 average. Carl Mueller began with two rough games but rallied back in game three, clawing upward just as momentum demanded.
Yet Bowls Deep’s triumph was not without its own brush with suspense. Brian mentioned between frames that he saw shadows moving around the parking lot around the time Chris Lenz discovered the burglary. “Could have been nothing,” Brian shrugged, “but then again… maybe not.” Whatever the truth, Bowls Deep rose in the standings to finish in 5th place, and Chris Hagan summed up their night with, “We bowled deep. Deeper than whoever went digging through that poor man’s glove box.”
Gutterly Hopeless
Gutterly Hopeless lived up to their name in the cruelest sense, losing three out of four and sinking to 6th place — but their night was overshadowed by something even darker than defeat. For as the first game was unfolding, Chris Lenz stepped outside after hearing repeated mumblings over the PA about his car, only to find the window fractured, the contents disturbed, and the bitter air of violation settling in. Was it anger that filled his mind? Worry? Confusion? Whatever the cocktail of emotions, one thing is clear: something was distracting him, something large enough to throw shadows across his normally steady performance. His series of 108, 126, and 111 hinted at a mind elsewhere — perhaps replaying the moment he saw shattered glass glinting on the pavement.
Jeremy Varnell’s night will be studied by bowling historians, CSI investigators, and anyone who enjoys the phrase “unmitigated collapse.” What started as a normal league evening turned into catastrophe when Jeremy rolled the worst single game of his entire bowling career in Game 1 — a spectacular crash-and-burn 50 that raised eyebrows all across the alley. And with the timing being precisely aligned with the discovery of Chris Lenz’s car having been burglarized that very same game, speculation ran wild. Was Jeremy shaken by the unsettling news? Distracted by guilt? Overwhelmed by the fear that someone might start comparing shoe sizes, glove fibers, alibis, or tracks in the parking lot gravel? His teammates watched him sweat through spares he normally converts in his sleep. Whether innocent bystander or jittery man with too many secrets, Jeremy’s disastrous opener has now officially joined the list of “suspicious coincidences” the league will be dissecting for years.
JoAnne Barber was the bright spark, posting a strong 401 series and leading the team to its single hard-won game three victory. Substitute Jesse Sauerbrei contributed steady support, and Jeremy Varnell staged a furious comeback after his unthinkable 50 in game one. But the tension was palpable. JoAnne whispered afterward, “Every time Chris lined up a shot, he looked like he was thinking about that car instead of the pins.” And who could blame him? A crime had been committed, and the culprit remained — and still remains — somewhere in the shadows.
FFK
Folks, FFK came in looking absolutely incredible, maybe the best anyone has ever seen them — and believe me, I’ve seen a lot of bowling, tremendous bowling. They won two big games, beautiful wins, perfect wins, but somehow — and nobody can explain this — they lost the total series. Probably Bidenflation, probably some Democrat-run scoring software. Could be the same people behind the Russia hoax. Dustin Schmeltz, amazing bowler, maybe the best, put up a 516 series. His 214? Legendary. Cat Atwood finishes with a Big Beautiful 145 in game three, which everybody is talking about. Nathan Burrows and Scott Lawson weren’t there — very sad, very unfortunate — but FFK still showed enormous strength. People came up to me saying, “Sir, how did they lose the total series?!” And I said, “Look into the rigged mail-in scorekeeping. Look into Ukraine. Look into all of it.”
And I’ll tell you something else: the second people heard about the break-in, Dustin immediately said the National Guard should be deployed. Strong leadership.
Trump’s Tariff Turkeys
Trump’s Tariff Turkeys — and what a terrific name, maybe the greatest team name ever created — absolutely delivered. They won the total series, which is what counts. AJ Hofmann, #1 Power Ranked and #1 Head-to-Head, bowled a phenomenal 524. Pure domination. I looked at him and said, “AJ, that’s what winning looks like. That’s how we negotiate which drug dealers to bomb and which to pardon.” Jim Koger was strong, Tim Deddens pulled off one of the greatest comebacks from an 81 to a spectacular 167 — incredible resilience. Scott Murdock delivered every frame - except that game 3 10th frame where he revealed himself as a BINO - Bowler In Name Only. Tremendous people. Tremendous bowlers. Not Scott. My beautiful Turkeys should have won that third game but Sloppy Scott made them lose by 1 pin.
And when the break-in story spread, this team had theories — strong theories. Some said Antifa. Some said a Democrat-run undercover parking-lot task force. Maybe the failing New York Times will investigate, unless I sue them again first. But let me tell you, folks, what Tim Deddens did in Game 1 was unbelievable — and not in a good way. People came up to me, very smart people, the smartest, and they said, “Sir… we have never seen a game this bad.” And they’re right! It was the worst game of his life, maybe the worst game anyone has bowled in the history of this league — probably ever. And it all happened at the exact same time Chris Lenz’s car got broken into. Very suspicious. A lot of people are talking about it. They’re saying, “Was Tim distracted? Was he nervous? Was he involved?” I’m not saying he did anything — I’m just asking the questions. Because every time someone mentioned fingerprints or security cameras, he looked like a guy who just realized he dropped his wallet at the crime scene. Tremendous panic. Huge panic. If you want to know the truth, and everyone does, his Game 1 performance was so bad, so completely disastrous, that you really have to wonder what was going on in that head of his. And believe me, folks… something was going on.
Squid Row
Squid Row claimed a triumphant sweep, and their exhilaration surged like a tidal wave across the lanes. Dennis Walling led with an electric 494, sculpting each shot with the precision of a man possessed by the spirit of the sea. Matthew Taylor’s 490 reinforced the assault, while Chris Windham provided a strong and steady backbone. Scott Thompson struggled, finishing well below average, but the team carried him gladly on their wave of momentum. After the matches, Dennis was heard saying, “You could feel something strange in the air tonight… maybe it was victory. Maybe it was the criminal running around the parking lot.” And as strange as it sounds, several team members reported peeking out the doors during game one, as if expecting someone to dash past them. Coincidence? Or the echo of the guilty?
No! Not Theo!
Though championship glory was already secured, No! Not Theo! endured a devastating sweep — all three games and the series slipping through their fingers like the beads of broken automobile glass. Their sorrow was real and almost operatic, but their individual performances still shone. Nick Kinney unleashed a 557 masterwork, delivering thunderous bookend games of 191 and 193. Ian Estey opened well before collapsing into the depths with a 106 closer, perhaps drained from the pressure of their season-long dominance. Seth Gunderson’s energy tapered into a painful 95 in game three, and Buck Nasty struggled well below his average. Yet still they held their heads high, champions to the end. As Nick put it, “A sweep hurts, but so does mystery. Someone out there broke that window… and someone knows why.” Members speculated whether the culprit struck during the distracting glow of championship anticipation, slipping through the lot like a phantom.
By the end of the night, every bowler had weighed in. Fingers were pointed. Theories whispered. Shadowy figures remembered. And yet, the question remains unanswered:
Who broke into Chris Lenz’s car during the first game?
Was it a random thief? A bowling rival? A spectator without scruples? Someone avenging a past 7-10 split? Or — as one bowler suggested — someone who slipped inside the alley afterward and bowled among us, pretending nothing happened?
Though tonight was the last night that counts, we still have one more week to go! Next week begins with a buffet and a league meeting led by No! Not Theo!, where awards winners will be announced and prize money handed out. Everybody gets cash! The meeting will begin as soon as everyone is done eating. After that, 9-pin tap bowling just for fun! (Knocking down 9 pins on the first ball counts as a strike.)
The bowler seen swiping a 200 Club day pass off Chris Lenz's dashboard was identified as Dustin Schmeltz (214). So now we have another suspect.
After a hard fought season, the Tournament of Champions was won tonight by Brian Schaben (Division 4), with Chris Hagan (Division 3) landing in second place. Brian will pocket the nice first-place pot, while Chris will take away the second-place pot. Congratulations!
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THIS WEEK'S MVB
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#1 POWER BOWLER
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#1 H2H BOWLER
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FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE)
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| Pos. | Team name | Record | Percent | Total Pins | Change |
| 1 | No! Not Theo! | 41-23 | .641 | 32,898 | n/a |
| 2 | Squid Row | 36.5-27.5 | .570 | 31,068 | n/a |
| 3 | Trump's Tariff Turkeys | 34-30 | .531 | 27,378 | n/a |
| 4 | FFK | 33-31 | .516 | 26,067 | n/a |
| 5 | Bowls Deep | 24-40 | .375 | 22,499 | +1 |
| 6 | Gutterly Hopeless | 23.5-40.5 | .367 | 23,296 | -1 |
| Men's High Series Scratch | Women's High Series Scratch |
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Nick Kinney - 557 AJ Hofmann - 524 Dustin Schmeltz - 516 Dennis Walling - 494 Matthew Taylor - 490 |
JoAnne Barber - 401 Cat Atwood - 348 |
| Men's High Series Handicap | Women's High Series Handicap |
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AJ Hofmann - 622 Chris Hagan - 607 Dustin Schmeltz - 607 (t) Nick Kinney - 583 Dennis Walling - 582 |
JoAnne Barber - 573 Cat Atwood - 552 |
| Men's High Game Scratch | Women's High Game Scratch |
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Dustin Schmeltz - 214 Nick Kinney - 193 AJ Hofmann - 191 Dennis Walling - 179 Ian Estey - 173 |
Cat Atwood - 145 JoAnne Barber - 136 |
| Men's High Game Handicap | Women's High Game Handicap |
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Dustin Schmeltz - 244 AJ Hofmann - 223 Chris Hagan - 223 (t) Tim Deddens - 220 Jim Koger - 209 |
Cat Atwood - 213 JoAnne Barber - 193 |
| Men's Pins Over Average | Women's Pins Over Average |
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Dustin Schmeltz - 52 Chris Hagan - 38 Tim Deddens - 34 AJ Hofmann - 32 Jim Koger - 26 |
Cat Atwood - 30 JoAnne Barber - 8 |
