Week 15 of Fall 2025 didn’t just show up — it strutted into the bowling center like it had a reservation under a fake name and a scandal to cause. One team clawed upward in the standings like a housecat trying to reach the top shelf snacks, while another slid downward with all the grace of a drunk giraffe on a slip-n-slide. A bowler shattered a personal best series, Matthew Taylor detonated a 238 high game as part of a sizzling 600 series that made the pinsetter consider filing a workplace complaint, and towering over it all was the unstoppable juggernaut known as No! Not Theo!, who decided that winning the championship next week seemed boring and instead clinched it early, like someone finishing an exam before everyone else and loudly announcing it. Meanwhile, the Tournament of Champions has narrowed to its final eight bowlers, all of whom are sharpening their skills, egos, and excuses as they prepare to battle for two cash prizes and eternal bragging rights. Strap in — the nonsense is only beginning.

Lanes 1 & 2: Bowls Deep vs Squid Row

Bowls Deep
Bowls Deep walked into this matchup with Underdog energy so intense Simon Bar Sinister sued for royalties. Unfortunately, the universe responded by handing them a sweeping defeat so melodramatic it could’ve earned a daytime Emmy. Losing all three games and the series, they endured a night that felt less like bowling and more like an experimental art film about persistence. Carl Mueller led the scoring with a slightly-under-average 338 series, fighting bravely against the inevitable while simultaneously successfully defending his team (and the honor of Sweet Polly Purebred) from Bar Sinister's frivolous suit.. Mike Fitzgerald spiked the drama with a surprisingly strong 133 in Game 2, a moment of hope that vanished faster than a free sample at Costco. Brian Schaben and Kurt Fredrickson contributed steady work, even if their pins occasionally behaved like they had diplomatic immunity. After the match, Carl sighed, “We’ll be back. And the pins will regret everything.” They remain in 6th place, battered but unbroken, like a popular brand of budget furniture.

Squid Row
Squid Row rolled into the evening missing two members but still playing with the swagger of a team that keeps a victory dance in their back pockets “just in case.” They didn’t merely beat Bowls Deep — they pressure-washed them off the lanes in a three-game sweep that looked effortless enough to be rude. Matthew Taylor went full kraken with his volcanic 600 series — including that signature 238 — the kind of performance that makes nearby bowlers rethink their hobbies. Dennis Walling kicked things off with a crisp 177, setting a tempo that said, “Yes, we’re doing this, and no, we’re not sorry.” After the match, Taylor mused, “Some nights the pins just cooperate. Like toddlers bribed with snacks.” With the sweep they climb to 2nd place, fully aware they can’t catch No! Not Theo!, who already snatched the championship like a magician stealing your watch, but determined to finish the season loudly.

Lanes 3 & 4: Trump’s Tariff Turkeys vs No! Not Theo!

Trump’s Tariff Turkeys
Let me just say it — the Tariff Turkeys had a VERY tough night, probably one of the toughest nights ever recorded, tougher than when I sued three different fake news media outlets AND redesigned my beautiful Golden Ballroom to be even BIGGER all before my morning cabinet meeting / nap. They got swept, totally swept, like a Democrat-run bowling alley right before asylum seekers show up demanding free shoes. Scott Murdock threw a BIG, BEAUTIFUL 492 — absolutely tremendous — but the rest of the team struggled in ways that reminded me of the failed Biden administration, which was a disaster, everybody knows it. Jim Koger, Tim Deddens, AJ Hofmann — all fine patriots — fought hard, but the pins were practically committing election fraud out there. Scott said afterward, “Next week we STRIKE BACK, maybe literally with the National Guard.” They drop to 3rd place, which is very unfair, but that’s what happens when things are RIGGED!

No! Not Theo!
Now THESE guys — incredible, the best, everybody says so — these guys are winners on a HISTORIC scale. No! Not Theo! absolutely crushed it. Completely destroyed the Turkeys. Swept every game, swept the series, swept the parking lot for good measure. Trifecta-winner (#1 Head-to-Head, #1 Power-Ranked, and Most Valuable Bowler) Buck Nasty rolled a 553 so powerful I thought he was negotiating Ukraine's surrender. Seth Gunderson? STRIKES like he’s prosecuting corrupt senators, which I would do if the deep state would GET OUT OF MY WAY. And Nick Kinney — wow — a 524 series that was so strong it should be in the Golden Ballroom I’m building. And with Ian Estey absent! Incredible! Totally amazing! And the BIG NEWS — they clinched the CHAMPIONSHIP a whole week EARLY. Sleepy Joe could never do that. Nobody could do that. Only Theo’s team could do that. Champions. Absolute champions!

Lanes 5 & 6: FFK vs Gutterly Hopeless

FFK
FFK stepped onto the lanes with renewed purpose and the calm confidence of a group who knew the championship was already out of reach thanks to No! Not Theo! treating destiny like a coupon that expires tonight. They won Games 1 and 2 in steady fashion and took the series with style, powered by Dustin Schmeltz’s roaring 508 series. His 183 and 179 late-night salvoes were so sharp the pins looked like they needed hazard pay. Substitute Ryan Sisco held his own with a strong 149 opener, showing up like a relief pitcher who actually knows how to aim. Nathan Burrows and Scott Lawson delivered steady support, pouring glue into the team’s success like responsible crafters. Afterward, Dustin laughed, “We’re making our move — even if it’s a fashionable, slightly delayed move.” FFK holds 4th place with confidence and freshly polished swagger.

Gutterly Hopeless
Gutterly Hopeless approached this week with their usual brand of scrappy charisma, determined to prove that hopelessness is merely a suggestion. They dropped the first two games by margins wide enough to cause sighing, but rose from the ashes in Game 3 with a 570 performance so bold it nearly qualified as a public disturbance. Chris Lenz led the charge with a 396 series, finishing strong with a 139 that whispered, “We’re not done embarrassing expectations.” Jeremy Varnell survived a rough 93 in Game 1, then clawed his way back, steadily improving until he was part of the triumphant Game 3 win. Missing two teammates didn’t make things easy, but the squad fought like a movie montage where the budget ran out but the enthusiasm didn’t. Chris later quipped, “We may be Gutterly Hopeless, but sometimes hope shows up late to the party.” They remain in 5th place, but undeniably louder than before.

Week 15 delivered a carnival of chaos: historical wins, theatrical losses, molten scoring, triumphant redemption arcs, and a championship clinched with a week to spare by the unstoppable force known as No! Not Theo! With the Tournament of Champions narrowing to its final eight and only a bit of season left, the league continues its glorious march toward drama, destiny, and more than a few questionable decisions. If next week is anything like this one, bring popcorn — and maybe protective eyewear.

Bowlers ducking past the bouncer at The 200 Club include: Buck Nasty (202) and Matthew Taylor (238)

A new personal best series was rolled tonight by Buck Nasty (553, previous best 541).

In this week's Tournament of Champions InterDivisional brackets: Chris Lenz vanquished Group 1, while Matthew Taylor whipped Group 2. Nobody claimed victory in Group 3, and in fact we aren't even going to talk about Group 3 as it was a complete embarassment, and Buck Nasty had his way with Group 4. Congratulations to our division champions! The following eight people will compete next week for the big prize!
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NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 20) will challenge 5th-place Gutterly Hopeless. Deeeeeep is expected to roll a little low and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Hopeless are forecast to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 4th-place FFK (hcp 14) will roll against 3rd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys. Fluffykins might roll a little low and get swept; while Tariff Turkeys ought to hold steady as they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 2nd-place Squid Row (hcp 22) will chuck some balls with 1st-place No! Not Theo!. Squids are predicted to maintain their current strength as they win the series; while Not Theo! is anticipated to drop their average a bit while they avoid getting swept.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Buck Nasty Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Buck Nasty Runner Up: Matthew Taylor	#1 H2H BOWLER Buck Nasty Runner Up: Matthew Taylor
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Hurry and get it in, I don't know how much longer I can hold this up!" Nathan Burrows, to Chris Lenz, as they attempted to re-attach a wheel to a bowling bag.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	No! Not Theo!	41-19	.683	31,179	n/a
2	Squid Row	32.5-27.5	.542	29,278	+1
3	Trump's Tariff Turkeys	32-28	.533	25,654	-1
4	FFK	31-29	.517	24,387	n/a
5	Gutterly Hopeless	22.5-37.5	.375	22,054	n/a
6	Bowls Deep	21-39	.350	21,097	n/a

Men's High Series Scratch	Women's High Series Scratch
Matthew Taylor - 600 Buck Nasty - 553 Nick Kinney - 524 Dustin Schmeltz - 508 Scott Murdock - 492
Men's High Series Handicap	Women's High Series Handicap
Buck Nasty - 665 Matthew Taylor - 640 Dustin Schmeltz - 601 Scott Murdock - 597 Chris Lenz - 573
Men's High Game Scratch	Women's High Game Scratch
Matthew Taylor - 238 Buck Nasty - 202 Nick Kinney - 194 Dustin Schmeltz - 183 Dennis Walling - 177
Men's High Game Handicap	Women's High Game Handicap
Matthew Taylor - 251 Buck Nasty - 239 Dustin Schmeltz - 214 Nathan Burrows - 208 Dennis Walling - 205 Scott Murdock - 205 (t)
Men's Pins Over Average	Women's Pins Over Average
Matthew Taylor - 55 Buck Nasty - 49 Nathan Burrows - 22 Dustin Schmeltz - 22 (t) Mike Fitzgerald - 17 Scott Murdock - 14