REMINDER: NO BOWLING ON TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 4. WE RESUME ON NOVEMBER 11. A supposedly routine eleventh week of Fall 2025 bowling turned into a tension-soaked stalemate of destiny, with the standings refusing to budge even a single stubborn inch. Yet fate still crowned heroes: JoAnne Barber ignited the night with the women's high game of 154 and a commanding 419 series, while Dennis Walling detonated pins across the lane to seize the men’s high game (218) and series (567). History paused. A hush fell. Then someone yelled "Practice is ending!" and the league chaos continued. Prepare yourself — everything else you need is below, and drama awaits at every approach! And don't forget to check on your Bingo results.

No! Not Theo!
The fearsome yet frazzled rollers of No! Not Theo! stepped into this matchup expecting dominance. Instead, they were greeted with humble pie, three slices worth. Their lone victory arrived only after two crushing defeats, leaving them feeling like the league’s tragic top-of-the-chart Shakespearean heroes. After two sluggish games, Buck Nasty rose like a vinyl-jacketed phoenix in Game 3, screaming past his average with a monstrous 210, practically roaring, "See, I DO have nasty in me!" Seth Gunderson provided steady greatness all night with an above-average 520 series, clutch strikes dripping from his fingertips as he tried to drag his team into greatness. Substitute Aaron Barber — called in from the bullpen of destiny — struggled early but clawed back to the respectable 168 in Game 3. The team’s imaginary press conference summed it up perfectly: Seth, sweat still dripping, declaring, "We didn’t lose. We just... strategically delayed winning." Their 1-3 emotional defeat left them devastated, except for knowing they still remain trapped in 1st place, forced to hide their smile atop the standings while inside they scream.

Bowls Deep
Meanwhile, Bowls Deep lived up to their name, plunging into victory with a splash so big the league’s lane oil itself rippled. They seized the first two games — including a decisive opening-game win by 24 pins — and made sure the world knew they were not messing around. Chris Hagan lit up Game 2 with an explosive 155, well above average, while Kurt Fredrickson proved the lane whisperer with uncanny consistency all night, posting three very solid games as if to say, "Just call me Mr. Reliable." But the real heart-throb came from Mike Fitzgerald: after a rocky 98 start, he charged forward with ferocity, producing 153 and then 164 to lead his team emotionally and numerically. "Once I remembered which foot goes first on the approach, everything clicked," Mike quipped to reporters. They celebrated three mighty wins out of four and their continued 6th-place residency now feels less like a basement... and more like the launch pad for a submarine offense.

Squid Row
The poor souls of Squid Row suffered the heartbreak of all four games slipping away like oily cephalopods through the fingers of a frustrated fisherman. The sweep hit especially hard because their tentacles were thrashing fiercely — Dennis Walling, the unquestioned titan of the evening and the league’s #1 Power Ranked and #1 Head-to-Head warrior, blasted a phenomenal 218 capstone and a violent 567 series. But despite heroism worthy of Poseidon’s high-fives, their scores still landed just short each time. Ben Spencer delivered a stellar Game 1 at 177 and stayed strong overall, while Matthew Taylor bobbed along above water with a 489 that kept hope alive. Chris Windham maintained admirable steadiness, even as the lane gods mocked them. “We're the calamari served to destiny this week,” Dennis confessed, wiping sweat and existential despair from his brow. "Also, we hate kittens!" Matt added. They remain stuck in 4th place — which this week felt like the ocean floor.

FFK
But across the trench, FFK — affectionately and mock-menacingly known as Fluffykins — delivered a performance of brutal cuteness: a clean sweep and enough confidence to strut like they just won a world championship. Dustin Schmeltz blasted a superb 512 series, never once dropping below average, declaring afterward, “We cuddle you right into defeat!” Meanwhile, Ryan Sisco, the substitute hero, came out swinging like he’d been plotting this moment for years — crushing 182 in the opening game and later reminding everyone subs can be scary. Add in Most Valuable Bowler Nathan Burrows, setting personal fireworks across the lane with a 447 and a delightfully consistent line, plus Scott Lawson quietly posting solid numbers — and suddenly this was a team that looked unstoppable. Their three-win, no-mercy performance left them soaring in 3rd place, purring with dangerous delight.

Trump's Tariff Turkeys
Folks, listen — the AMAZING Trump's Tariff Turkeys, they are winners. Everyone knows it, the National Guard knows it, the FAKE NEWS New York Times knows it even though they’re too busy getting sued by me to admit it. This team swept the match — swept it so hard you'd think antifa would hold their fake very small so-called protests, but guess what? We are winning. AJ? Absent, because he put a glass of water on magnets and almost died. Jim Koger bowled tremendously — some people say better than anyone bowling ever, and they’re right. Tim Deddens, he had a little dip, but a little dip for us is like the best day anyone else ever had. Though a bit rocky, Scott Murdock, a true patriot, a 448 series that CRUSHED like we crushed Russia hoax conspiracies. They won all three games because winning is what we do. When asked for a quote, Scott said, “We don’t make excuses. We make America bowl again.” Totally true. Totally inspiring. Feels almost as satisfying as demolishing a third of the White House without a permit. Believe me.

Gutterly Hopeless
Now the FAKE NEWS media — terrible people — will tell you Gutterly Hopeless tried hard. Tried hard! They got swept. Lost everything. It was worse than the fake liberal media attacking me after saying something smart on Truth Social. Chris Lenz did okay until Game 3 where he dropped an 85, very sad. Jeremy Varnell bowled like Ukraine trying to fight without strong leadership, absolutely disastrous in Game 2. Jesse Sauerbrei — a substitute, probably funded by George Soros — couldn't break 110 except once. The ONLY person worth anything was JoAnne Barber. 419 series, high game for the women — lovely woman, maybe she likes me, I don’t know, people say she does. But the team? The team was absolutely devastated. They remain in 5th place — disgraceful. We might have to prosecute Jeremy for bowling crimes. Total losers. Low energy!

And thus, Week 11 leaves the standings frozen, like bowling shoes left too long in league storage. Some teams swept into glory. Some drowned in sorrow. Awards were won, pride was shattered, and yet the pins are already setting themselves back up for Week 12. No movement in the standings only means one thing: pressure is building. Someone will break. Someone will rise. Someone will step into history… or slip on the approach and fall onto the foul line of destiny.

Bowlers enjoying a guest admission to The 200 Club include: Buck Nasty (210) and Dennis Walling (218)

The 419 rolled by JoAnne Barber is this season's new high series among women.

In this week's Tournament of Champions InterDivisional brackets: JoAnne Barber made quick work of Group 1, while Chris Hagan trounced Group 2. Mike Fitzgerald topped Group 3, and Dennis Walling ruled Group 4.

In terms of overall points within each division after this Interdivisional round : Nick Kinney tops Division 1; AJ Hofmann governs Division 2; Nathan Burrows reigns over Division 3; and Chris Lenz leads Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 4th-place Squid Row will tussle with 5th-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 124). Squids are expected to maintain their current strength as they win the series; while Hopeless are forecast to hold steady as they avoid getting swept.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 83) will throw some gutter balls with 2nd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys. Deeeeeep might roll a little low and get swept; while Tariff Turkeys ought to drop their average a bit even as they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 1st-place No! Not Theo! will compete against 3rd-place FFK (hcp 120). Not Theo! is predicted to roll decently and sweep the series; while Fluffykins are anticipated to hold steady as they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Nathan Burrows Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Dennis Walling Runner Up: Mike Fitzgerald	#1 H2H BOWLER Dennis Walling Runner Up: Nathan Burrows
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "When I was 10 years old I had to take a plane flight by myself. I went to use the restroom at the airport and while I was at the urinal a man came in and used the one next to me and I saw him look over and stare down at me. Because of that experience, I now know that's ok to do." Someone who will remain anonymous, because even though the deadpan delivery was perfect the story seems too personal to share just in case it's based on a kernel of truth.