I, your favorite President Donald J. Trump, am back with an important announcement about the sixth week of Fall 2025 — and folks, let me tell you, it was tremendous, absolutely tremendous. People are saying three teams, not one, not two, but THREE teams, they climbed in the standings — like my poll numbers, very high, very strong, levels never seen — while two teams, and it’s very sad, they slipped. They slipped like fake CNN's ratings, folks, not good, not strong. And we had history, real history: one bowler — set a new personal best series, can you believe it? And a brand new personal high game, which is a beautiful thing, a big beautiful thing. JoAnne Barber — fantastic woman, very classy — she got the high game of the week (143) AND the series (370) for the women. For the men, Ian Estey, people love Ian, strong competitor, he comes in with a high game (213) and series (593). Big numbers, folks. No one has ever seen numbers like these. And some people are saying, “Oh, RFK Jr. says it’s Brian Schaben's bowling ball polish that causes autism,” and I don’t know, maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, other people, they have to be careful what they say, but I can say what I want. And I don’t trust Democrat-run bowling teams, and I don’t trust their ball polish either. Read on, folks, because it only gets better, and maybe — just maybe — the National Guard should be called in for excitement control.

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: Bowls Deep faced off against Trump's Tariff Turkeys. Now let me tell you, people said it would be close, but it wasn’t close, folks, it was a total sweep. A landslide. The Turkeys — and these are tariff Turkeys, the best kind of turkeys, the kind of tariffs I like to put on China, which Sleepy Joe doesn’t understand, by the way — they gobbled up every single point. AJ Hofmann, with his commanding 471 series, he was like Pete Hegseth leading the Department of WAR. Scott Murdock backed him up, very tough, very tough, and very fit. The healthiest bowler in history. And Bowls Deep — Brian Schaben, good guy, hard worker, got a 369 series — but still, devastation. Carl, Chris, Kurt — they fought, but they felt crushed, absolutely crushed, folks. “We just couldn’t stop the Turkey train,” Chris Hagan said, nearly tearing up. They dropped every game, total wipeout, and the team was devastated. And RFK Jr. says it’s the lane oil causing autism, and maybe that explains everything — maybe not, who knows? But Bowls Deep, they stay stuck in 6th, and the Tariff Turkeys? Number ONE, folks. And let me tell you, it feels good to be first, because nobody remembers second place.

On lanes 3 & 4: No! Not Theo! — strange name, maybe the strangest name in bowling history, people are saying it — took on the shiny little darlings of FFK, also known as Fluffykins, which frankly, sounds like something failing Jimmy Kimmel would name his pets, but they bowled very strongly. #1 Head-to-Head Ian Estey — terrific numbers, 593 series, really the best — but his team, they only pulled out one single win. One! Buck Nasty tried, he gave a very tough effort, but still — devastated, totally devastated. They dropped three, and folks, when you drop three, it hurts. “This is even more devastating than when I heard about Charlie,” Buck muttered after the match. Meanwhile, Dustin Schmeltz, 526 series, much better than usual, and substitute Dawn Marie stepping in — did a beautiful job, everybody loved her. And Scott Lawson, #1 Power-Ranked and Most Valuable Bowler, he delivered. FFK took three wins, they were thrilled, absolutely thrilled. “We feel like kings of the alley,” said Schmeltz. And then there’s RFK Jr., he’s been saying the disinfectant spray on the bowling shoes causes autism. Does that sound right? I think it might be. Look at the Amish. The Amish, they don't use bowling shoe disinfectant and they have zero autism. None! No! Not Theo! fell down to 3rd place, while Fluffykins — fluffy, powerful, unbelievable — they climbed to 4th.

Finally, down on lanes 5 & 6: Gutterly Hopeless — what a bad name, folks, terrible branding, but they were NOT hopeless this week, not at all — versus Squid Row. The Hopeless, led by Jacob Holst with a 449 series, absolutely crushed the Squids, swept them, very strong. JoAnne Barber — again, classy, brilliant — kept her momentum rolling. They even beat Squid Row scratch in game two, which is like shutting down failing late night so-called "comedians", very fair, very strong. The Hopeless were overjoyed, Chris Lenz came to me with tears in his eyes and said “Sir, we’re not hopeless anymore thanks to you, President Trump.” Meanwhile, Squid Row — Dennis Walling with a big 499 series, very good bowler, very tough, but it wasn’t enough. They lost every single game, and let me tell you, the devastation was total. They felt like Venezuelan drug boats under attack, sinking, no survivors. “It’s the worst day since the escalator stopped working at the United Nations,” Ben Spencer admitted quietly. RFK Jr. says maybe the neon lights behind the bar cause autism, and maybe that’s what doomed Squid Row — maybe they were blinded by the light from sitting too long at the bar. But Hopeless leapt up 2 spots to 2nd, while Squids fell to 5th. Sad, very sad.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, week six ends with excitement, triumph, devastation, and yes — a little controversy, because some people are saying the Epstein hoax is NOTHING compared to bowling week six. We saw sweeps, we saw collapses, we saw substitutions, and we saw dreams reborn in the sound of crashing pins. The battle continues, the standings shift like tariffs on foreign steel, and nobody — nobody except me — can predict what happens next. But one thing is certain: it’s going to be big, very big, maybe the biggest season ever. And with these three matches now over, that is three more wars I have ended. Thank you for your attention to this matter.

Bowlers who did not catch autism because they were designing The 200 Club suite for the new White House ball room — something they'd been trying to get done for 150 years — include: Ian Estey (201,213) and Jacob Holst (203)

A new personal high game was set tonight by Jacob Holst (203, previous best 156). In addition, a new personal best series was rolled by Jacob Holst (449, previous best 407).

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Nobody claimed victory in Division 1 (though Dennis Walling came closest), while Dustin Schmeltz walloped Division 2. Nathan Burrows made quick work of Division 3, and Jacob Holst shut down Division 4. In terms of overall points: Ian Estey holds the reins in Division 1; Dustin Schmeltz calls the shots for Division 2; Nathan Burrows leads Division 3; and Jacob Holst governs Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, we have 4th-place FFK (hcp 90) — people call them Fluffykins, which is frankly a ridiculous name, maybe the worst name, but they’re bowling very strongly, folks, very strong — up against 5th-place Squid Row. Now the fake news media, they’re saying Fluffykins will keep it going, split the series, do a beautiful job. The Squids, on the other hand, people are saying they’re going to drop a little bit, not great, not strong, but they’ll hang on just enough to tie it. And I know ties, folks, I made the best ties, Trump Ties, trimmed in 24K gold, very classy. This matchup? Could go either way. Very exciting.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, we’ve got 2nd-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 45) — not hopeless anymore, folks, believe me — against the 1st-place powerhouse, Trump's Tariff Turkeys. And I love the name, don’t you love the name? Tariffs, very successful when I did them, saved the steel industry, the farmers, everybody. But the math people — and we don’t always trust the math people, they were wrong about tariffs, wrong about Ukraine, wrong about a lot of things — they’re saying Hopeless might stay strong, maybe even win the series. The Turkeys, they might stumble a little, but very important, folks: they will not get swept. Nobody sweeps a Turkey, believe me.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, we’ve got the underdogs, the 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 182) — and we love going deep, don’t we folks? Nobody goes deeper than me — against 3rd-place No! Not Theo!. And the experts, the so-called experts, they’re saying Deeeeeep, they’ll keep steady, but they’re gonna get swept. Total sweep, very sad. Meanwhile, Not Theo!, strong name, strange name, nobody knows who Theo is, but very strong, they’re expected to rack up the sweep, big victory, very exciting. People will be talking about it for weeks, maybe months.

^*(Now remember, folks, the predicted results above — they’re based on math, and math is good, sometimes, but it can be wrong. Very wrong. Especially mathematicians from those liberal colleges. If you don’t like what the math says, and a lot of people don’t, believe me, then you and your teammates, you can prove the math wrong. You have the power. Tremendous power.)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Scott Lawson Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Scott Lawson Runner Up: Ian Estey	#1 H2H BOWLER Ian Estey Runner Up: Scott Lawson
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "I've been dropping Tylenol in your beer when you're not looking." AJ Hofmann, describing how he secretly gave Bowls Deep autism so they won't win.