The fourth week of Fall 2025 struck like lightning across the alleys, reshaping the destiny of the standings in one fell swoop. One team clawed their way up the ladder, another slipped into despair, and one bowler etched their personal best into league lore. Sparks flew when Cat Atwood unleashed a blistering 153 to seize the women’s high game, while JoAnne Barber coolly stacked a 365 to claim women’s high series. On the men’s side, Nick Kinney erupted with a thunderous 246 high game, but the night belonged to Matthew Taylor, whose unstoppable 625 secured the men’s high series. Meanwhile, the Tournament of Champions roared to life, the beginning of 13 weeks of head-to-head battles where heroes will be made and pretenders unmasked. The pins never knew what hit them — and this is only the beginning.

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: Trump's Tariff Turkeys waddled into a high-stakes battle with Squid Row. Folks, let me tell you — it was something. The Turkeys, they had it, everyone thought they had it. Scott Murdock fought with his 459 series — not great, but not terrible, very honest numbers — and Jim Koger gobbled up more pins as he came back to life. But then the Squids came crawling out of the deep, powered by Most Valuable Bowler Matthew Taylor and his Big Beautiful 625 series. They slithered away with 3 wins while the Turkeys managed only 1. The official score says Squid Row triumphed, but some people are saying fake numbers, maybe a Democrat-run alley, maybe the machines were rigged. And don’t forget, their team mascot — a proud turkey, the best mascot — was abducted, people say by Antifa, maybe terrorists, nobody knows for sure. Tim Deddens muttered, “We know what we bowled. The truth is out there.” In the aftermath, the Squids swam off rejoicing, holding steady in 3rd place, while the Tariff Turkeys stumbled, devastated, dropping one spot to 2nd.

And as the dust settled, you could almost hear a booming voice: “Nobody’s ever bowled like me, folks. These are fake results, a hoax, total hoax — we actually won by a lot.”

On lanes 3 & 4: the cunning No! Not Theo! squared off against the hopeful warriors of Gutterly Hopeless. The night began with a broken ball return that slowed the pace to a crawl, forcing bowlers to stew in anticipation. But once "the flippy thing" roared back to life, Theo’s crew exploded. In game two, they delivered a jaw-dropping 849 team score — the 4th highest game ever in the entire St. John’s era. Nick Kinney, on fire with an above-average 613 series, and #1 Head-to-Head bowler Ian Estey led the charge. Buck Nasty smirked, “Theo may be gone too soon, but our destiny lasts forever.” Riding that historic performance, Not Theo! captured 3 wins and vaulted into 1st place, their excitement electrifying. Across the lanes, Jacob Holst pushed hard with his better-than-normal 390, while JoAnne Barber sighed, “The pins just don’t listen when we beg.” Hopeless clung to a single win but left devastated, frozen in 5th place.

FFK Bowls Deep

Finally, down on lanes 5 & 6: Bowls Deep dove into treacherous waters against FFK. With Carl Mueller and Kurt Fredrickson absent, the weight fell on Brian Schaben and Mike Fitzgerald, who rolled an above-average 331 series to keep his team afloat. But alas, the Deep could only dredge up a single win. “We’re missing half our crew,” said Schaben, “but we’ll resurface stronger.” Meanwhile, the Fluffykins pounced like predators disguised in plush fur. #1 Power-Ranked Dustin Schmeltz detonated a 589 series, while Cat Atwood and substitute Ryan Sisco struck with ruthless precision alongside Nathan Burrows. Schmeltz declared, “Pins fear us for a reason.” With 3 wins, Fluffykins erupted in joy, holding steady in 4th, while Bowls Deep remained submerged in 6th, spirits waterlogged but unbroken.

Week four closes with fireworks, heartbreak, and history in the making. From Theo’s record-breaking blaze to Squid Row’s slippery triumph, from Hopeless’ crushed resolve to Fluffykins’ ferocious feast, the lanes have spoken. And yet, the Tournament of Champions is just beginning — a long road of duels, glory, and perhaps even redemption still lies ahead.

Bowlers schmoozing their way into The 200 Club include: Ben Spencer (221), Buck Nasty (244), Dustin Schmeltz (206), Ian Estey (214,204), Matthew Taylor (202,233), Nick Kinney (214,246), and Scott Thompson (215)

A new personal high game was set tonight by Buck Nasty (244, previous best 201).

Cat Atwood earned this season's women's high game with her 153 In addition, Nick Kinney nabbed this season's men's high game with his 246., while Matthew Taylor bagged the season's men's high series with his 625.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Nobody claimed victory in Division 1 (though Nick Kinney came closest), while Dustin Schmeltz had his way with Division 2. Nathan Burrows decimated Division 3, and Jacob Holst staked a claim for the Iron Throne in Division 4. In terms of overall points: Nick Kinney reigns over Division 1; Dustin Schmeltz dominates Division 2; Nathan Burrows is in the driver's seat in Division 3; and Jacob Holst tops Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 5th-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 40) will socialize with 4th-place FFK. Hopeless are expected to maintain their current strength as they get swept; while Fluffykins are forecast to raise their average while they rack up a sweep.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 3rd-place Squid Row will tussle with 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 153). Squids might roll a little low, but split the series with Deeeeeep; while Deeeeeep ought to hold steady as they keep the series tied.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 1st-place No! Not Theo! will challenge 2nd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys (hcp 85). Not Theo! is predicted to roll decently and win the series; while Tariff Turkeys are anticipated to raise their average even as they avoid getting swept.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Matthew Taylor Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Dustin Schmeltz Runner Up: Ian Estey	#1 H2H BOWLER Ian Estey Runner Up: Dustin Schmeltz
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Just have Jeremy do it. He'll grab all your balls for free." Matt Taylor, after Chris L wondered aloud if he might be able to get a couple of free chicken strips as payment for doing the broken ball return's job.