Howdy, bowling pardners! Name's Buck McSpare, urban cowboy, professional livestock wrangler, and the only fool in Wyandotte County who answered the call when a herd of escaped cattle from last weekend's cow-ta-strophic cattle trailer crash decided to stampede through St. John's. I came expecting a few nervous steers, maybe a rogue heifer in the shoe area. Instead, I found bovines occupying the approaches, chewing on the score sheets, and treating the ball returns like their personal cattle chutes. And somewhere in this bovine chaos, folks were still bowling. A stagnated tenth week of Fall 2026 resulted in absolutely no movement in the standings, though several competitors made enough noise to frighten a whole pasture. JoAnne Barber roped this week's women's high game with a 172 and high series with 460, while Matthew Taylor corralled the men's high game with 199 and high series with 545. I'm Buck McSpare, and I reckon we're fixing to separate the cattle pens from the csattle pins. Hold onto your hats, because this roundup is going to get messy. And before you ride off into the sunset, check out this week's bingo results!

Rat & Roll vs. Fist My Bump

First up, on lanes 1 and 2, the rodents of Rat & Roll uncorked their finest vintage and prepared to drink their opponents under the table. These wine-loving little whisker merchants came out swinging, taking the opening game before the bovine stampede sent their corks flying. Kevin Hodge was the pride of the vineyard, finishing with a personal-best league series of 461 and a personal-best league game of 169. That is the sort of cellar-worthy performance that deserves a bottle with a label nobody can pronounce. David Schemenauer also put together a fine 450 series, including a team-leading 171 game. Brandon Cook, however, endured a rougher tasting menu, finishing well below his usual standard. Kyle Weber was absent, and the rats left an empty place at their tiny cheese board. A particularly tipsy calf walked by and told me, "Kevin's new record is a grand cru, but the rest of us got served a jug of table wine." The rodents won the opener but dropped the next two games and the total-series game, leaving them with only one win. They remain in fourth place, and the calf has already ordered a stronger vintage for next week.

Over on the opposite approach, Fist My Bump looked like a crew of interstellar problem-solvers studying the atmosphere of a planet made entirely of bowling pins. Their opening game was a rocky landing, but AJ Hofmann and his crew soon found their orbital rhythm. Scott Murdock, the tall, bespectacled gentleman with the slight white goatee, recovered from a miserable opening game with a much stronger second and third game. Meanwhile, Tim Deddens saved his best for last, rolling a team-high 170 in the third game and finishing with a powerful 454 series, well above his average. Jim Koger also found a late-game spark, rebounding from a difficult middle game to finish with a much healthier final effort. AJ started hot with a strong opening game, then cooled off considerably by the third. I asked Tim what turned the mission around. "I stopped trying to negotiate with the pins and started knocking them over," he told me. Sounds like the Eridian way. Rocky would be proud, and I reckon the team has learned that sometimes the only way out is to fist your way through the problem. They won the final three games after dropping the opener, taking the match and holding second place in the standings. Mission accomplished, gentlemen. Now somebody get that cow out of the ball return before it gets charred by astrophage.

On lanes 3 and 4, One Woman, Three Excuses arrived with enough explanations for a congressional hearing, but JoAnne Barber brought something far more persuasive: an absolute barnburner of a night. The raven-haired wine-and-dog enthusiast opened with a spectacular 172, a full 45 pins above her average and the night's highest over-average game. She went on to collect a 460 series and all three weekly honors: #1 Head-to-Head, #1 Power-Ranked, and Most Valuable Bowler. I have seen cattle negotiate their way out of the slaughterhouse, but JoAnne just negotiated a clean sweep without breaking a sweat. Jeremy Varnell's night began with a painful struggle before he rebounded with a far better second game, while Chris Lenz battled through a difficult evening and crossed the 30,000-career-pin milestone, now sitting at 30,221. Jesse Sauerbrei also had trouble finding his footing. A bewildered cow standing beside the scoring console offered this assessment: "One woman, three excuses, and somehow only one of them needs explaining. That 172 was louder than my moo." The team won all four games, and their celebration was so enthusiastic that I had to lasso a calf before it charged into the trophy cabinet. They remain in third place, and JoAnne's performance was the kind of thing that makes a cowboy consider taking up bowling instead of cattle wrangling.

Now, the fellows of BowlJobs had a night that left them with absolutely nothing to brag about except their ability to keep showing up for more punishment. With Brian Schaben and Kurt Fredrickson recovering fro the injuries they received in the cattle truck crash, it was uo to Chris Hagan and Mike Fitzgerald to keep the balls moo-ving. Chris, a tall athletic fellow with well-coiffed blond hair, led his team with a 159 in the second game and a 378 series. For a moment, it looked like he had found the sweet spot, the right angle, and the kind of follow-through that makes a bowling ball blush. Unfortunately, the momentum didn't last once his ball struck a dead cow slumped in front of the head pin. Mike Fitzgerald struggled to get much going, finishing below his usual average across all three games. The team was swept in every game, and the result was about as satisfying as a date with a steer who chews its cud with its mouth open. "I thought we'd get lucky at least once," Chris Hagan told me. "But every time we got close, the pins played hard to get." I told him that sometimes the alley gives you a little action and sometimes it leaves you out in the cold. Then a cow named Bessie wandered over, chewed on the team sheet, and announced, "Those boys couldn't get a spare if they were the last ranchers in the barn." I am not sure she understands the rules or metaphors, but I respect her confidence. BowlJobs remains in sixth place, and after a four-game sweep, the boys will have to do a lot more than talk a good game to get back in the saddle.

Finally, down on lanes 5 and 6, The Queenpins arrived ready to rule the kingdom, but their royal carriage had a flat tire and the horses had apparently joined the escaped cattle. Ryan Sisco, the gray-stubbled gentleman whose ball cap is practically part of his crown, tried to rally the court, but his 346 series came in below his average. Lindsay Sargent, the tall golden-haired member of the royal household, had a difficult evening as well, struggling to find the consistency needed to keep the pins in line. The absent Jon Little and Todd Kasik left two empty thrones at the royal table, and I hope both are doing well. A dead cow, which I had been tasked with removing from the far end of the lane, somehow managed to offer a royal decree from beneath a tarp: "Your Majesties, I regret to inform you that the kingdom has fallen. The pins have revolted, the horses have fled, and your royal subjects are out to pasture." I told the cow that this was a bowling match, not a medieval succession crisis, but it had already appointed itself Minister of Agriculture. The Queenpins lost all four games and remain in fifth place. It was a tough night for the crown, but I have seen worse kingdoms survive. They just need to find their footing, get their absent royals back in the saddle, and stop letting the livestock run the palace.

Meanwhile, Squid Row swam through the wreckage like a school of deep-sea champions who had smelled blood in the water. Matthew Taylor, the curly-haired, bearded leader of this aquatic operation, delivered the men's high game of the night with a 199 and finished with the night's top men's series at 545. He also reached 140,000 career pins, now standing at an impressive 140,276. That's a lot of pins, enough to build a seawall, a lighthouse, and a very questionable offshore bowling resort. Dennis Walling, recognizable by his squid-patterned button-down shirt and thin brown goatee, rolled a strong 179 in the second game and finished with a 514 series. Scott Thompson added a solid contribution with a 444 series, helping the team maintain its advantage throughout the evening. Their three game wins plus the total-series win completed a clean sweep, leaving the Queenpins' royal ambitions sunk somewhere beneath the ball return. "We came in looking for a good catch," Matthew Taylor told me, "and we hauled in every game." A holstein wandered up to me, blinked at the score display, and said, "I don't know what a squid is, but if it can bowl like that, I want one on my team." I told her to get in line. Squid Row remains in first place, and with performances like this, the rest of the league may need a submarine to catch them.

Well, partners, that brings our tenth-week roundup to a close. The standings haven't budged, but the pins have been scattered, the rodents have sobered up, and the bovines have made it abundantly clear that they are not interested in following the rules of sanctioned league play. Kevin Hodge has a new personal-best game and series, JoAnne Barber has collected three weekly honors in one spectacular evening, Chris Lenz and Mike Fitzgerald have hit career milestones, and Matthew Taylor has piled up more than 140,000 career pins. Meanwhile, I have personally wrestled three calves away from the ball return, persuaded a bull to vacate the shoe counter, and watched Ron the lane mechanic scrape dead cattle off one lane while cleaning ground beef out of the machinery. Ron says he's seen some rough nights in his career, but this one has officially beefed up the maintenance budget. He also says that if another cow gets stuck in the pinsetter, he is taking up fishing.

As for me, Buck McSpare, I came here to round up cattle, not referee a bowling league, but the job is the job. The cows are corralled, the pins have fallen, and the alley smells only slightly more like a butcher shop than it did when I arrived. Until next week, keep your spares close, your strikes closer, and your livestock trucks on the overpass. This is Buck McSpare, signing off from Gutter Alley, where the bowling is real, the cattle are restless, and the ground beef is definitely now on the menu.

Bowlers goin' to Montana to throw the hoolian at The 200 Club include: No one at all. We sucked.

JoAnne Barber earned both this season's women's high game and series with her 172 and 460, respectively.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Dennis Walling trounced Division 1, while Tim Deddens clobbered Division 2. Kevin Hodge conquered Division 3, and nobody claimed victory in Division 4, and in fact we aren't even going to talk about Division 4 as it was a complete embarassment. In terms of overall points: Jon Little runs the show in Division 1; Tim Deddens is in the driver's seat in Division 2; Kevin Hodge governs Division 3; and Jesse Sauerbrei dominates Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 5th-place The Queenpins will throw some gutter balls with 3rd-place One Woman, Three Excuses (hcp 34). Queenpins are expected to maintain their current strength as they win the series; while Excuses are forecast to hold steady as they avoid getting swept.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 1st-place Squid Row will share a couple of pitchers with 2nd-place Fist My Bump  (hcp 81). Squids might roll a little low and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Fist My Bump ought to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 4th-place Rat & Roll will roll against 6th-place BowlJobs (hcp 30). Rats are predicted to maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while BJs are anticipated to drop their average a bit while they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB JoAnne Barber Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER JoAnne Barber Runner Up: Tim Deddens	#1 H2H BOWLER JoAnne Barber Runner Up: Tim Deddens
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "...But at least there's something like 75 urinals to choose from." "I have no idea what I just walked in on." Scoot, then Matt, as Matt walked up to the bar while Ron, Alex, Dennis, and Scott were talking about Buc-ees.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Squid Row	32-8	.800	19,722	n/a
2	Fist My Bump	25-15	.625	16,311	n/a
3	One Woman, Three Excuses	23-17	.575	14,090	n/a
4	Rat & Roll	18-22	.450	15,181	n/a
5	The Queenpins	11-29	.275	15,585	n/a
6	BowlJobs	11-29	.275	14,574	n/a