With the season now more than halfway through, Week 9 of Fall 2025 delivered thunder, heartbreak, and St. Nick showed up to deliver a new personal best that sent shockwaves through the alley. One team clawed its way up the standings, another tumbled down, and the aforementioned Nick set a new season and personal record. JoAnne Barber landed this week's high game for the women with a clutch 133, while Cat Atwood’s cool-headed consistency secured the women’s high series with a 358. On the men’s side, Nick Kinney once again proved unstoppable, rolling this week's high game (268) and high series (698)—just two pins shy of a 700. Read on, brave reader, for the full tale of triumph and tragedy!

First up, on lanes 1 & 2: In a truly mismatched pairing, the impressive Squid Row did battle with the long-shots Bowls Deep. The Squids came out tentacles swinging, but their grip slipped just when it mattered most. Matthew Taylor’s 525 series kept hope alive, but in the end, the deep-sea divers from Bowls Deep surfaced victorious with 3 wins. Chris Hagan’s 395 series might not make headlines, but it sparked joy in his teammates, who erupted with cheers like sailors spotting land after a storm. Scott Thompson of Squid Row muttered afterward, “We just didn’t have enough ink left in the tank.” Squid Row sinks one spot in the standings to 4th place, while Bowls Deep float buoyantly in 6th.

On lanes 3 & 4: Trump's Tariff Turkeys faced off against No! Not Theo!, and let me tell you, folks—it was a total disaster, maybe the worst loss in bowling history. People are saying it’s worse than not winning a Nobel Prize. It’s a disgrace, really. My beautiful Turkeys, tremendous people, great patriots, but they couldn’t win a single game. They got swept. Totally swept. I told them, “You don’t want to end up like Sleepy Joe’s economy—in the gutter!” But they didn’t listen. Scott Murdock rolled a 467 series, which is fine, fine numbers—better than the numbers coming out of China, believe me—but it wasn’t enough. And then you’ve got this guy Nick Kinney, the so-called trifecta winner—#1 Head-to-Head, #1 Power-Ranked, and Most Valuable Bowler. Great? Maybe. But if he’d picked up just two more pins, he’d have had a 700 series! Two pins! Sad! Even Antifa could’ve done better, frankly. We’re thinking about suing St. John's over this one—fake news says it was fair. Total hoax, folks. Anyway, the Turkeys stay in 2nd, and No! Not Theo! keeps their little Democrat-run throne in 1st. Jim Koger of the Turkeys said afterward, “We’ll rise again, believe me. We probably won't get into Heaven now, but we’re knocking.”

Finally, down on lanes 5 & 6: FFK were pitted against Gutterly Hopeless, and what unfolded was both brutal and beautiful. Dustin Schmeltz’s 442 series led the Fluffykins to a triumphant clean sweep, their spirits soaring like confetti after a perfect strike. Cat Atwood, riding high on her women’s high series win, said, “This was the night everything clicked—we’re not just cute, we’re dangerous.” Meanwhile, Gutterly Hopeless rolled out their usual trio of Js—JoAnne Barber, Jeremy Varnell, and Jacob Holst—and brought in substitute Jesse Sauerbrei to fill in for the absent Chris Lenz. The team may have been rolling Js, but they were also rolling with heart. JoAnne’s 356 series (and her high game of 133) glimmered through the gloom, even as the team suffered the sweep. “We may be Gutterly Hopeless on paper,” Jesse quipped afterward, “but at least we look good doing it.” The loss hit hard, but the laughter afterward said it all. FFK climbs 1 spot to 3rd place, while Hopeless remain in 5th, bruised yet buoyant.

As the pins settle and the echoes fade, the league stands on a razor’s edge. Some teams ascended, others fell into the abyss—but every frame told a story. With only a few weeks left, the chase for the championship burns hotter than ever. Destiny, like a 10-pin wobbling in slow motion, could still fall either way.

Bowlers who shared the Nobel Prize for 200 Games include: Matthew Taylor (212) and Nick Kinney (268,207,223)

A new personal best series was rolled tonight by Nick Kinney (698, previous best 676).

Adding to the excitement, the 698 rolled by Nick Kinney is this season's new high series for men.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Nick Kinney clobbered Division 1, while AJ Hofmann cleaned up Division 2. Chris Hagan rolled his ass to the top of Division 3, and Jim Koger vanquished Division 4. In terms of overall points: Nick Kinney governs Division 1; Dustin Schmeltz calls the shots for Division 2; Nathan Burrows tops Division 3; and Chris Lenz leads Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 2nd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys will chill with 3rd-place FFK (hcp 24). Tariff Turkeys are expected to roll a little low, but split the series with Fluffykins; while Fluffykins are forecast to drop their average a bit while they keep the series tied.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 33) will challenge 5th-place Gutterly Hopeless. Deeeeeep might roll a little low and get swept; while Hopeless ought to drop their average a bit even as they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 1st-place No! Not Theo! will meet with 4th-place Squid Row (hcp 52). Not Theo! is predicted to have a bit of an off night, yet still manage to sweep the series; while Squids are anticipated to drop their average a bit while they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Nick Kinney Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Nick Kinney Runner Up: Ian Estey	#1 H2H BOWLER Nick Kinney Runner Up: Ian Estey
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "I got in just as Nathan was pulling out." Scott Murdock, on a missed encounter in the parking lot.