The fourteenth week of Fall 2025 did not simply arrive; it thundered into the alley like a rogue turkey escaping the carving knife at a very confused family Thanksgiving. By the time the lanes cooled, one team had climbed the standings like a determined relative reaching for the last slice of pie, while another slipped down faster than gravy poured from a cracked ladle. One bowler forged a new personal-best series, two unleashed new personal high games, and the aroma of competition mixed beautifully with the imaginary scent of stuffing and victory. Cat Atwood snatched this week's high women's game (172) and series (407), while Matthew Taylor carved out the men’s high game (231) and series (590). What follows is the full feast of action, drama, joy, and heartbreak — so dig in, and don't forget to check on your Bingo results!

Gutterly Hopeless
Like the cousin who arrives at Thanksgiving insisting they brought “just a little something” before producing an entire gourmet side dish, Gutterly Hopeless stunned the room by taking two games off the league leaders — and doing it with flair. Their first game victory set the tone, a narrow triumph decided by just 11 pins, the bowling equivalent of beating your uncle to the last drumstick by half a finger’s width. Substitute Jesse Sauerbrei made his presence known, warming up slowly with a pair of near-average games before suddenly exploding in Game 3 with a 127 that had the team shouting across the lanes like relatives arguing about football teams. Jeremy Varnell struggled early, his 101 and 97 well under average, but he rallied with a spirited 108 that kept the final game hot. Meanwhile, Jacob Holst surged above his average in two of three games and capped his night with a fiery 146, like a simmering pot finally boiling over. And then there was JoAnne Barber, delivering dual 147s like she was passing out second helpings of pumpkin pie to anyone who even looked hungry. Even in losing the overall series, Gutterly Hopeless felt that rare Thanksgiving emotion: the joy of winning some battles even if you lose the family argument. “We may have lost the series,” Jacob declared, “but you better believe we won dessert.”

No! Not Theo!
No! Not Theo! entered the lanes like the family elders — confident, organized, and ready to take their customary seat at the head of the bowling table. Though they dropped the first and third games, their dominant Game 2 win — a 741-point avalanche — was a stuffing-stuffed blowout that left Gutterly Hopeless scrambling for defensive mashed potatoes. Ian Estey led the clan with a 570 series, powered by a pair of above-average performances including a commanding 213, the bowling equivalent of delivering a perfectly timed Thanksgiving toast that silences the room. Seth Gunderson launched his own resurgence, his 188 in Game 2 soaring back above average after a sluggish 137 start. Nick Kinney performed with near-regal steadiness, unleashing a 198 in Game 2 and a 190 in Game 3, reminding everyone that consistency, like good cranberry sauce, holds the whole plate together. Even Buck Nasty, though slightly under average in two games, shook off the gravy haze and delivered a clutch 166 in Game 3. Winning the series gave them every excuse to celebrate. “We didn’t win every game,” Ian said, “but we ate first, last, and best.”

FFK
FFK arrived with the energy of a household that preps their Thanksgiving dishes days in advance, and it paid off — three wins including the series victory, and the certain knowledge that they had brought the hottest casserole to the table. With #1 Head-to-Head Dustin Schmeltz delivering a roaring 563 series, including a spicy 201 to open the night, the team set the stakes early. Nathan Burrows — the #1 Power-Ranked and reigning Most Valuable Bowler — smashed through his average with a towering 198 in Game 1, like a relative confidently carving the turkey despite having no training. Cat Atwood, bringing home the women’s high game and series this week, added her own seasoning with that newly cooked-up 172, making her the star chef of the FFK feast. Even without Scott Lawson present, FFK rolled like a well-oiled pie assembly line. “Tonight,” Dustin proclaimed afterward, “we baked Bowls Deep into a delicious victory crust.”

Bowls Deep
Bowls Deep showed the resilience of a family determined to host Thanksgiving even after the oven breaks. Though they managed only a single win — a gutsy, gravy-fueled Game 2 victory — they poured every ounce of heart into the lanes. Brian Schaben exploded in that second game with a massive 210, doubling his average like he’d mistaken the pins for rival relatives in a heated post-dinner debate. Kurt Fredrickson quietly rose to the occasion, finishing strong with a well-above-average 150, while Carl Mueller held the middle steady with his signature unflappable calm. And though Mike Fitzgerald was absent, the rest of Bowls Deep carried on, determined to make the meal complete. Though devastated by losing at least three games, they comforted themselves with leftovers — emotional leftovers, sure, but leftovers all the same. After a brief visit in uncharted territory last week, Deep sinks deeply back into the comfortable recliner of last place where they can unbutton their trousers and fall asleep as they digest their giblets. “We won only one game,” Brian sighed afterward, “but it tasted like victory stuffing, and nobody can take that away.”

Squid Row
Folks, let me tell you, Squid Row bowled in a way that was absolutely incredible — some are even saying historic, maybe the most historic bowling you have ever seen, and you know I don’t say things unless they are true. Matthew Taylor, tremendous bowler, people love him, delivered a 590 series. A number so big it’s practically a Big Beautiful border wall of pins falling over. And Chris Windham — huge first game, huge — 216! The Democrats could never do that, not even on a Democrat-run bowling alley, which would collapse instantly, by the way. Squid Row took three games, which is more wins than Sleepy Joe has had in the last fifty years, and everybody knows it. Dennis Walling was steady, a real rock: 147, 149, 151 — like tariffs that actually work, unlike the fake tariffs the Turkeys tried rolling with. And even with Scott Thompson absent — probably stuck dealing with the National Guard because of the total chaos created by incompetent leadership — they dominated. Afterward, Matthew told the fake media, "We bowled so well they’ll probably accuse us of the Russia hoax again." And honestly, after seeing the numbers, who can blame them?

Trump's Tariff Turkeys
Now let’s talk turkey about Trump’s Tariff Turkeys, a team with a name I absolutely love — truly fantastic branding, probably the best in the league, if we’re being honest. But tonight? Total disaster. They lost three games, and believe me, nobody knows losing like I do — and I don't mean my court cases, I mean I’ve seen Democrats lose everything from elections to basic cognitive IQ tests. AJ Hofmann was the standout, 486 series, very strong numbers, numbers that would make Charlie Kirk rise from the grave just to say, "Sir, those are the greatest numbers I’ve ever seen." But even AJ couldn’t save them from this bowling witch hunt. Jim Koger tried, 159 in Game 3, a good comeback, very respectable, like suing the New York Times and actually winning. Tim Deddens stayed close to average all night, fighting bravely, the way I will fight Antifa on the high seas if boats ever attack with magnets again — which they might, folks, they might. Losing the series was devastating, totally unfair, maybe rigged — who knows? Afterward AJ looked at the scoreboard and said, "We should demand a military tribunal for whoever oiled these lanes.” And I have to say: not a bad idea.

And so Week 14 came to a close like a Thanksgiving dinner pushed to its emotional limits — victories like full plates, defeats like empty gravy boats, and individual performances passed around the league like cherished family recipes. Some teams rose, others fell, but all left the lanes with full hearts, weary arms, and the knowledge that next week brings another chance to feast on glory.

REMINDER: Next week is the bowling fee payment deadline! All bowling fees for the season must be paid in full next Tuesday unless other arrangements are made personally with AJ or Scott. If the Supreme Court would let us tariff bowling then the cash would come flowing in from all the other St. John's leagues instead.

Bowlers who flashed their turkey breasts and thighs to get let into The 200 Club include: Brian Schaben (210), Chris Windham (216), Dustin Schmeltz (201), Ian Estey (213), and Matthew Taylor (212,231)

New personal high games were set tonight by Brian Schaben (210, previous best 170) and Cat Atwood (172, previous best 165). In addition, a new personal best series was rolled by Cat Atwood (407, previous best 391).

Adding to the excitement, the 172 rolled by Cat Atwood is this season's new high game among women.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Nobody claimed victory in Division 1 (though Ian Estey came closest), while nobody claimed victory in Division 2 (though AJ Hofmann came closest). Kurt Fredrickson cleaned up Division 3, and Jim Koger dominated Division 4. In terms of overall points: Ian Estey is in the driver's seat in Division 1; Seth Gunderson leads Division 2; Nathan Burrows dominates Division 3; and Chris Lenz holds the reins in Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 148) will compete against 3rd-place Squid Row. Deeeeeep is expected to maintain their current strength as they lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Squids are forecast to drop their average a bit even as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 2nd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys (hcp 95) will spend some quality time with 1st-place No! Not Theo!. Tariff Turkeys might roll a little low and get swept; while Not Theo! ought to drop their average a bit even as they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 4th-place FFK will tussle with 5th-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 42). Fluffykins are predicted to have a bit of an off night, yet still manage to win the series; while Hopeless are anticipated to drop their average a bit while they avoid getting swept.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Nathan Burrows Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Nathan Burrows Runner Up: Dustin Schmeltz	#1 H2H BOWLER Dustin Schmeltz Runner Up: Nathan Burrows
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "I tried to be discrete, but Nathan caught me staring his big ball bag." Nick Kinney, unable to keep his eyes off it.