The thirteenth week of Fall 2025 thundered onto the lanes like a runaway ball hurtling toward a trembling 7–10 split. Two teams clawed their way upward in the standings, two teams spiraled downward in heartbreak, and everyone else clung to their dignity like a bowler trying not to foul on a slick approach. JoAnne Barber unleashed a blistering 143 to seize this week’s high game for the women, and her iron-willed consistency netted her a powerful 378 for the women’s high series. Over on the men’s side, Nick Kinney blasted a 212 to earn the week’s top men’s game, while Matthew Taylor carved through the oil with a gorgeous 570 to secure the high series for the men. Meanwhile, AJ Hofmann cemented his place in league history by winning Most Valuable Bowler once again — now more times than anyone else in the league’s history — proving that some legends just keep stacking titles. And that was only the beginning. What followed was drama, triumph, collapse, glory, and enough emotional turbulence to make the pins file a workplace hazard report. Don't forget to check on your Bingo results.

FFK:
Let me tell you, folks, it was a tough night for FFK. A very tough night. Some people are saying the toughest they’ve had all season. And believe me, I know tough — I’ve faced Democrat-run witch hunts, fake news lawsuits, and the totally made-up Russia hoax, which by the way, I won, just like I win everything. But FFK? They only won one game. One! It was almost like watching Sleepy Joe try to climb stairs: a struggle, a tragedy, a slow-motion collapse you cannot look away from. And without Nathan Burrows — who was mysteriously “absent” (some people are asking questions, very suspicious questions) — the team had to fight their way through like the National Guard trying to keep order after an Antifa bake sale.

Scott Lawson was their big winner, really tremendous, with a spectacular 478 series and a monster 192 in Game 3. I mean wow, people are still talking about it. He bowled like he was ready to prosecute his political enemies. And Cat Atwood? Great patriot, great lady, 130 in Game 2 with a perfect 10th frame, right on message, getting the job done. Dustin Schmeltz? A fighter. A real fighter. Sure, his 135 in Game 3 dipped a little, but sometimes even the best have a bad day — even me, maybe once, probably not, but I’m being generous. After their crushing series loss, Cat was overheard muttering, “We’re going to come back. We’re going to dominate. We’re going to make bowling great again.” And honestly? I believe her.

Trump’s Tariff Turkeys:
Wow. What a team. What a performance. Absolutely incredible. The Trump’s Tariff Turkeys — named after one of the most brilliant economic concepts of all time, tariffs, which everyone loves, everyone — except the countries that have been ripping us off for decades — came in and totally demolished the competition. Three wins. A full match victory. Huge. Big. Beautiful. And #1 Power-Ranked AJ Hofmann, a true patriot, achieved something nobody else in league history has ever done unless you count fake Phil Schroeder : he has now won Most Valuable Bowler more times than anyone else in league history. MVB at a level never before seen. Beautiful. Tremendous, record-smashing, unbelievable. People are talking about it, everyone is talking about it. And even with Jim Koger and Scott Murdock absent — probably busy exposing the Epstein list hoax or suing the New York Times for slander, very important work — the two remaining players carried the day like heroes.

Even I, Donald Trump, hearing about AJ’s historic accomplishment, promise to honor him in style — maybe a personal autograph and a bottle of Trump Wine, maybe a huge golden trophy presentation, maybe even an executive “Make Bowling Great Again” ceremony in the new beautiful ballroom. Whatever it is, I'll even top it off by giving him what I gave Bubba. I think he'd like that. Nobody honors greatness like Trump, folks, believe me. And AJ’s performance tonight — 189, 166, 193, totaling a massive 548 series — shows exactly why he deserves it. Tim Deddens helped hold the team steady, but AJ led the charge, turning every frame into a spectacle. After sealing the match, AJ reportedly said, “We didn’t just bowl. We dominated. We crushed. We obliterated. The pins never had a chance.” And he’s right. They didn’t.

No! Not Theo!
No! Not Theo! arrived on lanes 3 and 4 with the swagger of a team sitting confidently atop the standings, but the night quickly turned into a slow-burn psychological thriller. Losing the first two games — and losing the series — left them devastated in that quiet, storm-in-the-eyes kind of way that bowlers get when every pin seems to be leaning just slightly in the wrong direction. Yet amid the chaos, they produced standout performances that deserved applause. Nick Kinney, riding high after securing the league’s top men’s game this week, had a spectacular second-game surge to 212, showcasing exactly why he’s one of the most feared competitors in the house. Ian Estey was a model of consistency, dropping a near-average 524 anchored by a strong 187 opener. And then there was Buck Nasty, who lived up to his name by punching out a 177 in Game 3 to fuel the team’s lone victory, a narrow morale-saving bright spot. Seth Gunderson, too, held steady despite a rocky middle frame, telling interviewers afterward, “We’re not done. The standings aren’t done. This story isn’t done.” A valiant effort, even if the night eluded them.

Squid Row
Squid Row, meanwhile, bowled with the kind of confidence you’d expect from a team that smells blood in the water. Their three wins tonight propelled them upward in the standings, and the way they earned them was nothing short of theatrical. Matthew Taylor commanded the lanes with a gorgeous, league-leading 570 series — game after game of crisp form, clean trajectories, and an almost unfair level of control. Chris Windham, the #1 Head-to-Head bowler, opened the night with a fiery 182, setting the tone like a battle cry echoing through a foggy sea. Ben Spencer and Dennis Walling also contributed meaningfully, with Ben throwing two above-average games and Dennis launching a powerful 177 in Game 2. Even though they dropped Game 3, they had already secured the emotional high ground. As Ben put it after the match, “We’re not just rising in the standings. We’re evolving.” Squid Row’s ascent was well earned and well executed.

Gutterly Hopeless
For Gutterly Hopeless, the night was a heartbreaking exercise in endurance. Losing three out of four — and losing the series convincingly — left them devastated, and with good reason. This was a team that desperately needed a morale-boosting surge, and while JoAnne Barber provided a heroic 143 to claim the women’s high game and a powerful 378 series, the rest of the roster struggled under the weight of stubborn pins and brutal luck. Substitute bowler Jesse Sauerbrei fought hard but fell below his average, while Chris Lenz and Jacob Holst both endured particularly rough nights, producing uncharacteristically low scores that clearly weighed on them. Still, they snatched Game 2 with determination, holding off Bowls Deep in one of the closest emotional battles of the evening. After the match, JoAnne — ever the fighter — sighed and said, “We’re frustrated, but frustration means we still care. And caring means we’re not done yet.” A rough outing, but not a broken team.

Bowls Deep
Bowls Deep surged forward tonight with three strong wins, and you could feel their excitement vibrating through the depths of the deeeeeep. Game 1 was theirs decisively, and Game 3 ended in a blowout victory that sealed the match and launched them upward in the standings. Chris Hagan led the team with a steady hand, staying within his range and delivering a clutch third game to secure their final win. Kurt Fredrickson saved his best for last, blasting a well-timed 128 that hit well above his average and shifted the lanes’ momentum. Mike Fitzgerald’s roller-coaster 62 in Game 2 was an unexpected dip, but he rebounded admirably with a strong 113 in Game 3, a comeback that drew high-fives from teammates and onlookers alike. Brian Schaben may not have broken any records, but his consistency contributed quietly and effectively to the team’s triumph. After sealing the match, Chris announced, “We’re moving. We’re climbing. And we’re not stopping until we hit the top.” Their confidence tonight was justified and earned, and finally they have ended their long tenure in dead last.

Week thirteen delivered everything a league night should: dazzling highs, gut-wrenching lows, heroic turnarounds, and enough emotional turbulence to shake the dust off every ceiling tile in the bowling alley. Records were set, standings shifted, and rivalries deepened. Whether it was a powerhouse like Squid Row rising through the ranks, a determined group like Gutterly Hopeless battling adversity, or the Tariff Turkeys swaggering their way through a Trump-sized victory, every lane told a story. And next week, those stories collide once again. The pins are waiting.

Bowler who stripped naked and sat all alone a cozy hot tub in a back room and sad no one else joined him at The 200 Club: Nick Kinney (212)

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Matthew Taylor had his way with Division 1, while Chris Windham made quick work of Division 2. Scott Lawson creamed Division 3, and nobody claimed victory in Division 4 (though Brian Schaben came closest). In terms of overall points: Ian Estey reigns over Division 1; Seth Gunderson tops Division 2; Nathan Burrows and Chris Hagan lead Division 3 in a tie; and Chris Lenz runs the show in Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 156) will match wits with 1st-place No! Not Theo!. Hopeless are expected to roll a little low and get swept; while Not Theo! is forecast to raise their average while they rack up a sweep.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 4th-place FFK will battle 5th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 64). Fluffykins might roll a little low and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Deeeeeep ought to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 3rd-place Squid Row will share a couple of pitchers with 2nd-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys (hcp 57). Squids are predicted to maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while Tariff Turkeys are anticipated to drop their average a bit while they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB AJ Hofmann Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER AJ Hofmann Runner Up: Chris Windham	#1 H2H BOWLER Chris Windham Runner Up: Matthew Taylor
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Have you ever seen a grown man naked?" Jeremy, to Tim Deddens, grossly underestimating Tim's age while simultaneously making Tim reconsider whether he wants to come back next season.