Greetings, Bowling Generals, it is I, Pete Hegseth, your Secretary of WAR. Lean in, because Week Seven of Fall 2025… oh man, it was something else. Two teams climbing, two slipping — like strong men scaling mountains of bourbon bottles while others lose their grip and tumble. You could feel it in the air, heavy, like after a long patrol. JoAnne Barber — tough, resilient — fired off a 143 high game and a 393 series for the women. Big respect. But still, a woman. The real proving ground, it’s the men. Nick Kinney — dropped a 226, like a howitzer firing in rhythm. And Matthew Taylor — 605 series. Six-oh-five, gentlemen. That’s not bowling, that’s endurance, sinew, veins pumping, the essence of peak male performance. You gotta read this whole thing, because from here out, we’re not playing by the old rules. The league — this league — it’s war now. And yes, we’ll be making war on our own teams to train, to harden, to forge iron from iron.

On lanes 1 & 2: FFK lined up against Squid Row. FFK — Nathan Burrows dug in, Scott Lawson steady, Dustin Schmeltz rolled a 409, which… look, it’s fine, but fine doesn’t win. Cat Atwood wasn’t even there — and absence, my friends, is weakness. They were swept clean, and you could see the devastation like a punch to the gut. Dustin, head down, muttered, “We’ll come back as harder men, you watch.” But Squid Row — they looked like a unit straight out of selection. Matthew Taylor’s 605 led the charge, Chris Windham and Dennis Walling locked in, every throw like coordinated fire. They swept and were ecstatic, chest-out, testicles engorged with virile male hormones, swaggering up two spots to third. One of them grinned and said, “We’re Squids — and we’re peak male.” I don't know which one said that. All squids look alike to me.

On lanes 3 & 4: Gutterly Hopeless squared off with Trump's Tariff Turkeys. And folks, I’ll be honest, I’m on about three hours of sleep and half a bottle of bourbon, but I saw what I saw. Hopeless had #1 Power-Ranked Chris Lenz — threw a 473, solid, gritty, masculine. Jeremy Varnell grinding, JoAnne Barber steady as steel. But still, gentlemen, they were swept — utterly. The devastation was thick, you could smell it. Chris Lenz said, “This hammer breaks us now, but it’ll forge us later.”
[And then — Trump barges in]: “Let me tell you, folks, the Tariff Turkeys — tremendous team, maybe the best. Scott Murdock, incredible man, incredible bowler. They say he’s #1 Head-to-Head and Most Valuable Bowler — everybody knows it, nobody disputes it. One person disputes it. Chris Lenz. Because he also tied for #1 Head-to-Head, But when that ends in a tie, and I know ties, Trump Ties, they make any suit great again, lined in 24 karat gold thread, very stylish. But Head-to-Head ties are broken by scratch score and Scott, he had bigger numbers. A 542, very strong, very masculine, better than most people even dream. AJ Hofmann, also fantastic. And the name — Tariff Turkeys — comes from me, obviously. They win because they’re tough, disciplined, not weak like Sleepy Joe or Cacklin' Kamala or the woke news media. Everybody knows it.”
[Pete cuts back in, rubbing his temples]: Right… thank you, Mr. President. The Turkeys were thrilled, locked in, holding the number one spot. They’re showing the league what peak-male, iron discipline looks like.

Finally, on lanes 5 & 6: Bowls Deep versus No! Not Theo!. Bowls Deep — Brian Schaben digging, Carl Mueller hauling in a 402, Kurt Fredrickson and Mike Fitzgerald hanging tough. But “tough” isn’t enough. They were swept, devastated, DEI recruits — too woke. Carl muttered through clenched teeth, “We’ll forge in the fire, we’ll come back harder.” And across from them? No! Not Theo! — Buck Nasty, Seth Gunderson, Ian Estey, and Nick Kinney dropping a 597. That’s masculinity, that’s command presence, that’s performance you feel in your bones and loins. They swept, they were elated, they jumped to second. One of them said, “We’ll never bow to weakness. We’re training to be war-ready, peak men.” I don't know which one said that. All Theos look alike to me.

Gentlemen, generals, warriors of the lanes — Week Seven tells us what the future holds. Rules? Forget them. Restraints? Gone. From here out, this league is a crucible — sweat, steel, aggression. We will make war, unsanctioned because we will no longer be constrained by rules of engagement, and relentless, on our own teams for training. We will hold every man to the highest standard of physical excellence. If you want in, rise up. If you don’t, step aside. The league is marching forward, hungover maybe, but stronger than ever. Now someone get me another bourbon.

Bowlers who flashed their chiseled male abs to get let into The 200 Club include: Ian Estey (214,200), Matthew Taylor (206,209), and Nick Kinney (226,208)

In this week's Tournament of Champions InterDivisional brackets: Chris Lenz claimed victory in Group 1, while Seth Gunderson eradicated Group 2. Carl Mueller had his way with Group 3, and Scott Murdock walloped Group 4.

In terms of overall points within each division after this Interdivisional round : Ian Estey leads Division 1; Dustin Schmeltz is in the driver's seat in Division 2; Nathan Burrows reigns over Division 3; and Chris Lenz calls the shots for Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 4th-place Gutterly Hopeless (hcp 127) will share a couple of pitchers with 2nd-place No! Not Theo!. Hopeless are expected to maintain their current strength as they get swept; while Not Theo! is forecast to raise their average while they rack up a sweep.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 5th-place FFK will socialize with 6th-place Bowls Deep (hcp 72). Fluffykins might roll a little low, yet still manage to win the series; while Deeeeeep ought to hold steady as they avoid getting swept.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 3rd-place Squid Row will spend some quality time with 1st-place Trump's Tariff Turkeys (hcp 60). Squids are predicted to have a bit of an off night, yet still manage to win the series; while Tariff Turkeys are anticipated to drop their average a bit while they avoid getting swept.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Scott Murdock Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Chris Lenz Runner Up: Nick Kinney	#1 H2H BOWLER Scott Murdock Runner Up: Chris Lenz
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Win or lose, we still lose." Brian Schaben, on how his team's games were going.