Greetings, Bowling Generals, it is I, Pete Hegseth, your Secretary of WAR. Lean in, because Week Seven of Fall 2025… oh man, it was something else. Two teams climbing, two slipping — like strong men scaling mountains of bourbon bottles while others lose their grip and tumble. You could feel it in the air, heavy, like after a long patrol. JoAnne Barber — tough, resilient — fired off a 143 high game and a 393 series for the women. Big respect. But still, a woman. The real proving ground, it’s the men. Nick Kinney — dropped a 226, like a howitzer firing in rhythm. And Matthew Taylor — 605 series. Six-oh-five, gentlemen. That’s not bowling, that’s endurance, sinew, veins pumping, the essence of peak male performance. You gotta read this whole thing, because from here out, we’re not playing by the old rules. The league — this league — it’s war now. And yes, we’ll be making war on our own teams to train, to harden, to forge iron from iron.
SWEEPing Generalibations
Bowling In Pregnancy Linked To Austism
I, your favorite President Donald J. Trump, am back with an important announcement about the sixth week of Fall 2025 — and folks, let me tell you, it was tremendous, absolutely tremendous. People are saying three teams, not one, not two, but THREE teams, they climbed in the standings — like my poll numbers, very high, very strong, levels never seen — while two teams, and it’s very sad, they slipped. They slipped like fake CNN's ratings, folks, not good, not strong. And we had history, real history: one bowler — set a new personal best series, can you believe it? And a brand new personal high game, which is a beautiful thing, a big beautiful thing. JoAnne Barber — fantastic woman, very classy — she got the high game of the week (143) AND the series (370) for the women. For the men, Ian Estey, people love Ian, strong competitor, he comes in with a high game (213) and series (593). Big numbers, folks. No one has ever seen numbers like these. And some people are saying, “Oh, RFK Jr. says it’s Brian Schaben's bowling ball polish that causes autism,” and I don’t know, maybe it’s true, maybe it’s not, other people, they have to be careful what they say, but I can say what I want. And I don’t trust Democrat-run bowling teams, and I don’t trust their ball polish either. Read on, folks, because it only gets better, and maybe — just maybe — the National Guard should be called in for excitement control.
Still Not Theo!
The fifth week of Fall 2025 thundered into the alley with the force of destiny itself. One team clawed their way up the standings while another plummeted like a dropped bowling ball. Sparks flew as two bowlers etched new personal-best series into history’s ledger, and one hero claimed a brand-new personal high game. Among the women, JoAnne Barber seized the crown with a scorching 166 game and a 411 series. For the men, Nick Kinney stormed the lanes with a mighty 211, while Ian Estey’s relentless strikes earned him the top series of 557. Read on, for the pins fell, the cheers roared, and the drama was nothing short of epic!
No! Not No! Not Theo! In First!
The fourth week of Fall 2025 struck like lightning across the alleys, reshaping the destiny of the standings in one fell swoop. One team clawed their way up the ladder, another slipped into despair, and one bowler etched their personal best into league lore. Sparks flew when Cat Atwood unleashed a blistering 153 to seize the women’s high game, while JoAnne Barber coolly stacked a 365 to claim women’s high series. On the men’s side, Nick Kinney erupted with a thunderous 246 high game, but the night belonged to Matthew Taylor, whose unstoppable 625 secured the men’s high series. Meanwhile, the Tournament of Champions roared to life, the beginning of 13 weeks of head-to-head battles where heroes will be made and pretenders unmasked. The pins never knew what hit them — and this is only the beginning.
Team 2 Is Great Again!
Because the team named for my beautiful TARIFFS has jumped into first place -- the highest place, a level never before seen, I, your Favorite President Donald J. Trump, am writing this week's recap. The third week of Fall 2025 was absolutely tremendous, folks — really historic. We saw winners rise, losers tumble, and believe me, everybody was talking about it. Two teams climbed the standings — beautiful climbing, the best kind — while two very sad, very weak teams slipped down. Cat Atwood, who is just terrific, totally dominated with this week’s high game (150) and series (391) for the women, while Aaron Barber — a tremendous bowler, by the way — delivered the men’s high game (211) and series (615). And now the Tournament of Champions divisions are set, ready for some incredible, one-on-one action beginning next week. People are calling it the best lineup in history. And I delivered even more winning in this week's bingo results! Read on — it only gets better!
