A stagnated fourth week of Fall 2026 has arrived, and folks, the standings were so motionless I briefly checked to make sure somebody hadn't accidentally bolted the teams to the floor. I am Alotta Tenpin, reporting live from the sidelines, where the pins are standing tall, the balls are rolling somewhat randomly, and absolutely nobody is moving up or down the standings! JoAnne Barber captured the women's high game with 120 and high series with 350, while AJ Hofmann detonated his way to the men's high game of 192 and high series of 538. Meanwhile, the Tournament of Champions kicked off tonight, launching us into 13 weeks of one-on-one bowling excitement! And yes, there was also bingo, because apparently Tuesday night wasn't already providing enough drama. Read on for all the rest of the details!

First up, on lanes 1 & 2, the scrappy underdogs of Rat & Roll went scurrying into battle against the mischievous Squid Row. This was supposed to be a battle for the ages, but instead the Rats found themselves spending the evening desperately searching for a hole in the Squids' defenses. Rat & Roll never managed to steal a game, falling in all three contests and dropping the overall series as well.

Brandon Cook was the big cheese for the Rats, leading his team with a 340 series and producing a 124 along the way. That wasn't enough to overcome the Squids, however, as Kyle Weber struggled badly relative to his 102 average and finished with a 259 series, dropping his average five pins to 97. Andy Orwig couldn't quite find his usual form either, finishing below his 122 average. With David Schemenauer absent, Rat & Roll simply didn't have enough firepower to stop the cephalopod assault. "We had a great strategy," Brandon Cook said. "Unfortunately, the strategy was to score more pins than them, and apparently we forgot that part of the plan." The sweep left Rat & Roll devastated but still sitting in 5th place.

Across the approach, Squid Row was having a considerably more enjoyable evening -- except for the part about getting picked off the Tournament of Champions one-by-one. Chris Windham provided a solid 417 series, but the tentacled star of the night was Dennis Walling, whose 511 series included the team's high game of 177. Ben Spencer was also remarkably steady, contributing 492 for the evening, while Matthew Taylor chipped in 481. The Squids didn't need one individual to carry them because practically everyone was swimming in the same direction, and that direction was straight toward a three-game sweep. "We just kept squeezing them until there was nowhere left for the Rats to scurry," Dennis Walling said. Mission accomplished. Squid Row swept both the games and the series and remains comfortably in 2nd place.

On lanes 3 & America — that's right, Lane 4 is now Lane America for some reason — The Queenpins and BowlJobs staged a contest that initially looked like a royal embarrassment before turning into a coronation. The Queenpins dropped Game 1, but then summoned their inner royalty and took the next two games to capture the overall series. That's what I call losing with dignity and then remembering you're supposed to be winning.

Ryan Sisco was the undisputed star of the royal court. After a relatively ordinary opening game, Ryan exploded for a magnificent 184, the highest game of the entire night and a stunning 52 pins above his 132 average. His 476 series provided the heavy lifting the Queenpins needed to recover from their slow start. That performance also earned him this week's Most Valuable Bowler honors. Todd Kasik had a tougher night, finishing well below his 113 average, but the Queenpins had enough around him to overcome it. "I wasn't worried after Game 1," Ryan Sisco said. "I knew I had another gear, and apparently that gear was '52 pins over average.'" The Queenpins won two games and the series, preserving their 4th-place position.

As for BowlJobs, well, let's just say there was plenty of activity on the job site tonight. Brian Schaben, just hours from his birthday, started things off at a respectable 104 before getting considerably more productive later in the evening, finishing with a team-best 386 series. Brian's upward trajectory was exactly the kind of job performance that gets noticed around here, and I certainly wasn't complaining about having something interesting to watch. Carl Mueller, meanwhile, brought his own particular brand of workplace appeal: coming out swinging with 135 and 129 before his productivity dropped to 110. I don't know what kind of legal advice he was giving the pins, but apparently they retained counsel.

Mike Fitzgerald had trouble keeping it up to his normal standards, finishing with a 348 series after starting at 134 and fading as the evening progressed. Kurt Fredrickson had the night's most impressive recovery for BowlJobs, though, following a miserable 89 in Game 2 with a vigorous 150 in Game 3, the team's highest game. Now that's what I call getting it up when it counts. And frankly, Kurt's stern expression suggests he takes his equipment very seriously. "I blame management," Kurt Fredrickson said. "They hired the pins, and the pins refused to cooperate." BowlJobs managed to take Game 1, but couldn't keep the momentum going, losing the next two games and the series. They remain in 6th place, although I have a feeling they're going to be looking for a little more satisfaction next week. Plus, technically, they did double their wins tonight.

Finally, down on lanes 5 & 6, One Woman, Three Excuses went up against Fist My Bump , and the Excuses quickly discovered that sometimes three excuses simply aren't enough.

Nathan Burrows provided the night's biggest bright spot for One Woman, Three Excuses by recovering from a rough middle game with a 140 in Game 3, the highest game on his team. JoAnne Barber, meanwhile, produced the women's high game and series of the night with 120 and 350, although both numbers were below her 128 average... and also she was the only woman. Jeremy Varnell endured the team's roughest individual performance, finishing with a 229 series and a new average of 90. With Chris Lenz absent, there simply wasn't enough scoring or excuses available to keep pace. "I blame the three excuses," JoAnne Barber said. "We only had two, and apparently we needed al three." One Woman, Three Excuses was swept in all three games and the series, leaving them understandably devastated. They nevertheless remain in 3rd place.

Then came Fist My Bump , and folks, this wasn't merely a bowling match. This was a scientific mission. A Project Hail Mary-style operation. The kind of operation where somebody discovers an impossible source of energy and immediately points it at the pins.

Jim was away vacationing in Canada North America and Tim was away riddled with childhood diseases. But Scott Murdock, a tall bowler with an impressive collection of brewery and dive-bar T-shirts, quietly put together an excellent 460 series, improving on his 140 average and getting stronger as the night progressed. And AJ Hofmann was the astrophage-powered engine driving the entire spacecraft. The #1 Power Ranked and #1 Head-to-Head bowler absolutely launched himself into orbit with a 192, the men's high game, and finished with a massive 538 series. His first two games were both dramatically above his 152 average, and his overall performance raised his average to 159. That was more than enough to propel Fist My Bump to a clean sweep. "I solved the problem," AJ Hofmann said. "We had the power, we had the trajectory, and I had two games that were basically pure xenonite." I don't know what that means, but it sounds extremely scientific. Fist My Bump swept and remains in 1st place.

And there you have it, folks! Week 4 somehow delivered a tremendous amount of drama without changing the standings by a single position. Rat & Roll got swept into a rodent-sized crisis, Squid Row dominated from beginning to end, the Queenpins staged a royal comeback, BowlJobs had a few promising performances but couldn't keep things going, One Woman, Three Excuses suffered a heartbreaking sweep, and Fist My Bump continued its assault on the top of the standings with AJ Hofmann producing the men's high game and series.

But nobody should mistake "no movement" for "no excitement." The Squids are lurking in second. The Queenpins are holding fourth. The Rats are searching for cheese. BowlJobs is apparently consulting its attorneys. One Woman, Three Excuses is running dangerously low on excuses. And Fist My Bump? They're still bumping and fisting away, apparently powered by a mysterious substance that may or may not violate several laws of physics and biology.

This is Alotta Tenpin signing off from the lanes, where the scores are real, the drama is enormous, and one lane has been officially renamed **Lane America**. I will not be calling it anything else.

Bowlers entering The 200 Club include: No one at all. We sucked.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: AJ Hofmann swept Division 1, while Scott Murdock walloped Division 2. Carl Mueller made quick work of Division 3, and Brian Schaben triumphed over his enemies in Division 4. In terms of overall points: AJ Hofmann tops Division 1; Scott Murdock is in the driver's seat in Division 2; Carl Mueller runs the show in Division 3; and Brian Schaben dominates Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place BowlJobs (hcp 44) will face 1st-place Fist My Bump . BJs are expected to roll a little low and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Fist My Bump is forecast to raise their average while they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 2nd-place Squid Row will tussle with 3rd-place One Woman, Three Excuses (hcp 175). Squids might roll a little low, but split the series with Excuses; while Excuses ought to hold steady as they keep the series tied.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 4th-place The Queenpins will compete against 5th-place Rat & Roll (hcp 56). Queenpins are predicted to maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while Rats are anticipated to hold steady as they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Ryan Sisco Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER AJ Hofmann Runner Up: Ryan Sisco	#1 H2H BOWLER AJ Hofmann Runner Up: Scott Murdock
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "I do it at least once a day, usually around 7:00 at night. I just wait till no one is around, then I whip it out. F it." Nathan Burrows, on drinking from his flask after hours.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Fist My Bump	14-2	.875	6,551	n/a
2	Squid Row	13-3	.813	7,902	n/a
3	One Woman, Three Excuses	8-8	.500	5,340	n/a
4	The Queenpins	7-9	.438	6,441	n/a
5	Rat & Roll	4-12	.250	6,097	n/a
6	BowlJobs	2-14	.125	5,830	n/a