The third week of Fall 2026 arrived with all the subtlety of bowling through a china shop, and when the pins finally stopped trembling, the standings were in shambles as three teams climbed while two had tumbled downward. Fist My Bump surged into first place, while BowlJobs remains defiantly and stubbornly in last. JoAnne Barber seized this week's women's high game with a 149 and high series with 385, while Jon Little absolutely detonated the men's leaderboard with a 212 game and a new season-best 579 series, replacing the previous high of 568. And the Tournament of Champions divisions are now set, meaning one-on-one warfare begins next week! Before we charge headlong into that glorious chaos, you can inspect this week's bingo results. Now, let's get to the pins!

One Woman, Three Excuses
As told by a busy woman who doesn't have time for your excuses
Let me make something perfectly clear: I am a strong and very busy woman, I have things to do, and I do not have time for excuses. Fortunately, neither did the freshly-renamed One Woman, Three Excuses. While BowlJobs apparently showed up hoping for a good time, we showed up to collect all the wins and leave. Mission accomplished. One Woman, Three Excuses swept all three games and the series, climbing one spot to 3rd place. Nathan Burrows was particularly determined to make a statement, taking his 98 average and launching a 164 in Game 2 for a spectacular 388 series, the team's highest. Chris Lenz delivered a steady performance and finished with 347, including a 127 in Game 3. Jeremy Varnell had a rough 87 opener but refused to stay down, improving to 100 and then 103. And JoAnne Barber? She saved her best for last, following a 129 and 107 with a 149 in Game 3, giving her the women's high game and a 385 series.

Nathan is the sort of man who looks like he wandered out of an intergalactic craft store: enormous curly light-brown-and-gray hair, suspenders, baggy tan pants and a cosmic-kitten T-shirt. Frankly, I don't know what message his wardrobe is trying to send, but his 164 accomplished exactly what it needed to. His performance also earned him this week's Most Valuable Bowler honors. "We didn't make excuses," Nathan said. "We made adjustments." Good. That's the correct attitude. JoAnne, meanwhile, occasionally wears shirts celebrating dogs and wine, which tells me she understands two of life's essential priorities. One Woman, Three Excuses weren't interested in explanations, alibis, lane-condition theories or blaming the pins. They won everything. "Four wins," JoAnne said. "If you need an excuse, write it down and hand it to somebody who cares." And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you turn excuses into a 4-0 night.

BowlJobs
As told by a truck stop glory hole afficionado
Well, well, well... sometimes you pull into a truck stop late at night, notice a suspicious little opening in the wall, and think, "Surely this is going to be a satisfying experience." And sometimes you are BowlJobs. The evening started with 450 points of promise, but One Woman, Three Excuses quickly took control and proceeded to give the BJs a thorough working-over, leaving them with absolutely nothing to show for their efforts except a trip to the bottom of the standings as well as an upcoming trip to the clinic. Brian Schaben came out swinging with a stimulating 123, then endured a deeply unsatisfying 74 in Game 2 before finding his rhythm again with 132. Chris Hagan delivered exactly what his 136 average promised in the opener, but his performance went soft in Game 2 with a 91 before stiffening back up to 119. Kurt Fredrickson started with a painful 83 before recovering to 111 and 111. Carl Mueller, meanwhile, was the one man who seemed to know exactly what he was doing, grinding out 108, 105 and a team-best 135 for a 348 series. Sadly for BowlJobs, the Excuses weren't interested in playing gently, and after these losses the BJs remained firmly planted in 6th place. "I thought we'd get a little action tonight," Carl complained. "Instead, we got used, abused, and sent home with a bunch of zeros and some worrisome new lesions." And from where I was standing, that is a remarkably accurate legal summary of the proceedings.

Rat & Roll
As told by their rather confused sub
I showed up expecting to bowl. That was the plan. I am Ian Estey, the substitute player brought in to replace Joanne on lane 1 tonight until she walked in the door with no idea why anyone thought she'd be absent. Now I was suddenly instead a sub for Rat & Roll on lane 3. I had my bowling shoes, my ball, and absolutely no reason to suspect I was about to become the only human at a wine tasting attended exclusively by rodents. Then I walked over to the new lane and found mice in tiny waistcoats, rats with impossibly small wine glasses, and an elderly field mouse sniffing Cabernet like he had personally invented Bordeaux. Someone handed me a tasting sheet. Under "pairing notes" it said, "Aged Gouda, walnut, and fear." Clearly, this was not league night.

Since I was apparently the guest of honor, I figured I might as well contribute. Fortunately, I could still bowl. I opened with a 179, Rat & Roll's highest game, followed with 166 and 159 for a terrific 504 series. Kyle Weber was also having a nice night, setting new personal-best league marks with a 138 game and 340 series. I raised my glass to him while a rat squeaked approval from inside a miniature cheese wheel. Andy Orwig struggled with a 97 opener but rallied with 129 and 138 for 364. David Schemenauer was absent, which suddenly seemed less like a scheduling issue and more like proof that he had received the correct address.

Sadly, all the Pinot Noir and cheese in the world couldn't save us. Rat & Roll was swept by Fist My Bump, losing all three games and the series and dropping two spots to 5th place. "I thought I was here to bowl," I said as a mouse in a velvet jacket poured me another glass. "But apparently I'm here to evaluate the bouquet while you people get drunk." The mouse sniffed his wine, squeaked, and I am fairly certain he said something about the tannins. After watching us get swept, I needed the wine too.

Fist My Bump 
As told by an Eridian engineer trying to solve the Astrophage Crisis
Astrophage on me star. Bad bad bad. I observe pins. I observe bowling balls. I observe 4 leaky space blobs win all the games. This is good. Good good good. Team wins series. Team moves to 1st place. Human named Jim Koger begins to make good science with 135 against 108 average. Then 119. Then 118. Stable. Useful. Tim Deddens is also useful. He rolls 141, then 152, then 133 for 426. Good bowling. Scott Murdock, the leakiest blob, performs much stronger. Very strong. 157. Then 179. Then 193. Series 529. The 193 is 71 pins above his 122 average. This is tonight's highest over-average game. Yes, these are Earth scores. Always Earth scores, you bad at math. Scott also earns #1 Power Ranked and #1 Head-to-Head. This is many numbers. Rocky hate Mark, but Rocky love marks. AJ Hofmann also begins with excellent 187 against 144 average, follows with 170, then 148. Why his numbers go down, question? Grumpy. Angry. Stupid game 3. AJ how long since last sleep, question? Series 505. Team highest game is Scott's 193. Team is excited. Extremely excited. Amaze amaze amaze! Scott is the larger space blob who frequently wears shirts advertising breweries or dive bars. I do not understand why humans advertise beverages on clothing. Perhaps it increase bowling power. Evidence: Scott did this and bowled 193. Therefore, brewery shirt = bowling power. GRACE! BREWERY SHIRT IS REASON! BREWERY SHIRT IS REASON! "I rolled 193," Scott said. "I have done my part. Pins should understand." Fist My Bump wins. Rat & Roll loses. I believe this outcome is acceptable.

Squid Row
As told by this evening's appetizer special
I knew my evening was going to end badly when Kenny looked at me, smiled, and said, "You look fresh." This is never a comforting thing to hear when you are a squid and currently sitting in a stainless-steel pan in a bowling alley snack bar. But while I awaited my inevitable promotion from "marine life" to "appetizer," I became fascinated by the action on lanes 5 and 6, where Squid Row was battling The Queenpins. And let me tell you, those boys were cooking too. Squid Row took two games and the overall series, although they dropped Game 2 despite putting up a gigantic 709. Chris Windham was especially impressive, blasting 155, 191 and a team-high 196 for a 542 series. Ben Spencer was right behind him with a fantastic 543 series, including 185 and 188 before finishing with 170. Dennis Walling added 181 and 184 before slipping to 154 in Game 3, while Matthew Taylor went 166, 146 and 153. I couldn't help admiring Chris and his impressive black-and-gray beard and a button-down shirt absolutely covered in squids. Frankly, he looked like the sort of man who could have rescued me from the kitchen, although I suspect he was far more interested in rescuing spares.

Then came the horrifying moment: "Chris! Your appetizer is ready!" My tentacles went cold. I watched as Kenny sliced me into perfect rings, sprinkled me with salt and pepper, gave me a light coating of seasoned flour and lowered me gently into hot oil. The sizzle was magnificent. Honestly, I have never smelled anything so good in my entire aquatic existence. A little garlic. A little lemon. Maybe some parsley. Kenny tossed the golden rings onto a plate beside a ramekin of marinara and a wedge of lemon, and I have to admit... I looked incredible. Crispy outside. Tender inside. Beautifully golden. If I had known I would be on the menu, I would absolutely have ordered me myself. Somewhere beyond the kitchen, Squid Row was celebrating its series victory while dropping one spot to 2nd place. "We may have lost Game 2," Chris said, "but we won the series and this delicious appetizer." Meanwhile, Joe was carrying my platter toward lane 5. I spent my final moments surrounded by marinara, lemon wedges and smug confidence, wondering whether the Queenpins realized they had just been beaten by a bunch of men who were practically dressed for my funeral. I was Squid Row. I became calamari. And judging by the empty plate that came back to the kitchen, I was absolutely delicious.

The Queenpins
As told by a drag queen who was accidentally coronated in a case of mistaken identity
Well, darling, this is awkward. I am a drag queen. I have spent years mastering dramatic entrances, fabulous wigs, impossible shoes, and the sacred drag tradition of pretending I know exactly what I'm doing. But tonight, somebody apparently mistook the performance for a job application and made me an actual queen. A REAL queen. Crown, kingdom, subjects, throne, everything. Nobody bothered to explain what I'm supposed to do now. Do I wave? Give speeches? Learn diplomacy? I was still figuring that out when The Queenpins battled Squid Row on lanes 5 and 6, losing Games 1 and 3 and the overall series while absolutely slaying Game 2 with a magnificent 715.

Thankfully, Jon Little knew exactly what he was doing. My fabulous young subject, with shoulder-length light-brown hair and a slight mustache, blasted 189, then a magnificent 212, and finished with 178 for a sensational 579 series. That 212 was the men's high game of the week, while his 579 established a new season league-high series, surpassing the previous 568. I don't understand governing, but I understand fabulous performance, so I hereby decree that Jon gets to keep doing whatever he was doing. Ryan Sisco added 135 and 168 before dropping to 102, while Todd Kasik posted 103, 110 and 126 for a 339 series. Lindsay Sargent is listed with the team, although no scores are provided tonight, so I'm declaring that classified royal business.

The Queenpins were understandably devastated to lose two games and the series after dominating Game 2, but there was one consolation: the royal household climbed one spot to 4th place. "Honey, I can contour a face in the back of a moving limo, but I have absolutely no idea how to run a kingdom," I declared while adjusting my crown. "My first royal proclamation is simple: more glitter, fewer taxes, and somebody please explain why a bowling league needs standings when I have already declared everyone fabulous."

And there you have it: Week 3 has delivered sweeps, comebacks, a new season scoring benchmark, a 71-pins-over-average eruption, and enough standings movement to make the league table look like it was shaken inside a cocktail mixer. One Woman, Three Excuses surged to 3rd after sweeping BowlJobs, while the BJs got gumjobbed. Fist My Bump accelerated at 1.5g all the way into 1st with a clean sweep, sending Rat & Roll scurrying two spots downward despite some excellent individual performances. Squid Row held the overall series against The Queenpins, but Jon Little's 212 and powerful 579 ensured that nobody was leaving lanes 5 and 6 without hearing about it.

The only bowler suave enough to talk his way into The 200 Club this week was Jon Little (212)

JoAnne Barber earned this season's women's high game with her 149 In addition,, while Jon Little bagged the season's men's high series with his 579.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 5th-place Rat & Roll (hcp 144) will test their mettle against 2nd-place Squid Row. Rats are expected to maintain their current strength as they lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Squids are forecast to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 4th-place The Queenpins will roll against 6th-place BowlJobs (hcp 60). Queenpins might maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while BJs ought to hold steady as they endure a rough night.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 3rd-place One Woman, Three Excuses (hcp 66) will face 1st-place Fist My Bump . Excuses are predicted to roll decently and win the series; while Fist My Bump is anticipated to drop their average a bit while they avoid getting swept.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Nathan Burrows Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Scott Murdock Runner Up: Chris Windham	#1 H2H BOWLER Scott Murdock Runner Up: Jon Little
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Wow, that's really saying something coming from YOU." Ron, after Jeremy commented how quiet league nights have been without Seth.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Fist My Bump	10-2	.833	4,827	+1
2	Squid Row	9-3	.750	6,001	-1
3	One Woman, Three Excuses	8-4	.667	4,069	+1
4	The Queenpins	4-8	.333	4,803	+1
5	Rat & Roll	4-8	.333	4,722	-2
6	BowlJobs	1-11	.083	4,349	n/a