A stagnated thirteenth week of Fall 2026 delivered absolutely NO movement in the league standings, but make no mistake: history may have been made! Squid Row has, for all practical purposes, clinched the Fall 2026 championship with THREE WEEKS STILL REMAINING! The only conceivable path to denying them the crown would require the Squids to lose every single remaining game while Fist My Bump wins every single one. That's right, folks, the championship door is practically locked, the trophy is being polished, and the champagne is chilling. However, because that mathematically remote possibility still exists, the Associated Pins (AP) is refusing to officially call the race just yet. Apparently, even a championship coronation needs a little more paperwork. Meanwhile, personal records were tumbling! Lindsay Sargent delivered a new personal-best game of 180 and series of 426, capturing both women's high honors for the evening. Kevin Hodge also established personal bests with a 202 game and 489 series. Matthew Taylor claimed the men's high game (210) and series (571), while the pins continued to fly everywhere except, apparently, the standings. I'm Alotta Tenpin, reporting live from the sidelines, where the competition is fierce, the pins are nervous, and my understanding of bowling rules is considerably more impressive than its actual accuracy. Let's get rolling! And don't forget to check out this week's bingo results!

Lanes 1 & 2: Fist My Bump vs. Rat & Roll

Fist My Bump
Houston, we have a problem! Fist My Bump launched into this three-game mission with a formidable crew, including their very own Dr. Ryland Grace... although in this case, the scientific expertise was replaced by the bowling talents of Tim Deddens. Tim was positively out of this world, blasting past his 129 average with a 145, a 158, and a 153. His 456 series helped propel the team to its only game victory, and he even crossed the 30,000-career-pin milestone, bringing his lifetime total to an astronomical 30,253. That's a lot of xenonite! Scott Murdock provided a dependable contribution with a 435 series, while Jim Koger opened the mission with a spectacular 144 before suffering a rather catastrophic third-game malfunction, dropping to 88. AJ Hofmann, meanwhile, experienced three consecutive encounters with hostile alien lifeforms, finishing below his 153 average in every game. His 362 series was not quite the stuff of interstellar legend. The team managed a thrilling opening-game victory by just two pins, 569-567, but then watched Rat & Roll steal the next two games and the all-important fourth game, the total series. Their 549-558 second game was another nail-biter, lost by nine pins. The disappointment was particularly painful for a crew that had launched with such high hopes. "I carried the team through the first game, and I intend to remind everyone of that until our next mission," declared Tim Deddens, who certainly earned the right to do a little bragging. Fist My Bump remains in 2nd place, with its standings position unchanged. Rocky would undoubtedly approve of their determination, but even he might suggest a little more practice before the next encounter.

Rat & Roll
The wine glasses were polished, the cheese platter was prepared, and the rodents of Rat & Roll arrived ready to prove that fine dining and fine bowling are not mutually exclusive. Their opening game was a bit of a sour vintage, losing 567-569 by a mere two pins. But these sophisticated little creatures know that a good wine, much like a good bowling performance, sometimes needs time to breathe. Kevin Hodge uncorked an absolutely magnificent 202 in the opener, a new personal-best game that also helped establish a new personal-best series of 489. He finished 60 pins above his 142 average in that first game alone! David Schemenauer contributed a delightful 181 in the second game, 34 pins above his average, while Kyle Weber steadily improved throughout the evening, climbing from 105 to 124 to 135. Andy Orwig, unfortunately, appeared to have sampled a little too much of the house wine, gradually slipping from 119 to 105 and finally 94, well below his 121 average. But the collective cellar was far from empty. Rat & Roll rallied to take the second game 558-549, then comfortably secured the third game and total series, collecting three of the four available victories. Kevin's 489 series was the centerpiece of this vintage, and his personal records made the evening particularly delicious. "That 202 was aged to perfection, and frankly, I think everyone at this table should be buying me another bottle," proclaimed Kevin Hodge. The rats can now celebrate their conquest with a well-earned glass of something expensive, preferably with a cheese pairing. Rat & Roll remains in 3rd place, with no change in the standings.

The Queenpins
All hail the Queenpins! And if there were ever an evening deserving of a royal proclamation, it was this one, thanks to the extraordinary performance of Lindsay Sargent. Looking positively regal as she strode to the approach, Lindsay delivered a performance that would make even the most demanding monarch issue a standing ovation. Her 180 in the third game was a whopping 83 pins above her 97 average, the biggest over-average individual game of the entire evening! She also established new personal bests for both game and series, finishing with a spectacular 426. That was enough to claim both the women's high game and high series honors for the evening. Ryan Sisco contributed steadily, including a 147 in the second game, while the absent Jon Little and Todd Kasik were presumably enjoying the benefits of royal immunity from bowling duty. The Queenpins suffered through two losses before finally claiming the third game with a 689 team performance. Unfortunately, the Squids had already established too much of a kingdom of their own, claiming the opening two games and the total series. Lindsay's heroic performance was enough to make the opposition nervous, but not quite enough to overthrow the reigning champions. "I scored 180, and I expect the royal treasury to reflect that accomplishment," Lindsay Sargent declared. Frankly, Your Majesty, I believe that request is entirely reasonable. Despite the fireworks, the Queenpins remain in 5th place, with their position unchanged. Long live the Queenpins!

Squid Row
Down in the murky depths of the competition, Squid Row emerged from the water with a tentacle-filled assault that left the Queenpins gasping for air. But hold onto your seaweed, bowling fans, because this victory may have been about considerably more than just four games! With three weeks remaining in the season, Squid Row has effectively clinched the Fall 2026 championship! The only remaining scenario that could deny them the crown requires the Squids to lose EVERY SINGLE GAME left on their schedule while Fist My Bump wins EVERY SINGLE GAME remaining. In other words, the Squids would practically have to forget how to bowl, while the Bumpers would need to transform into an unstoppable bowling machine. Is it mathematically possible? Yes. Is it remotely likely? About as likely as finding a functioning submarine in a kiddie pool. Nevertheless, the Associated Pins (AP) has NOT officially called the championship race. That tiny mathematical possibility of a second-place finish means the champagne must remain on ice for now. Leading this aquatic expedition was Matthew Taylor, who apparently decided ordinary bowling was beneath him and proceeded to deliver a performance worthy of an oceanic deity. Matthew opened with a 203, followed it with a 210, and finished with a 158 for a magnificent 571 series. That 210 was the men's high game of the evening, while his series claimed the men's high-series honors. He also delivered two 200-plus games, making him the only bowler to accomplish that particular double achievement tonight. Dennis Walling added a strong 185 in the second game, and Scott Thompson chipped in with a 181 in the same contest. Ben Spencer quietly supplied three respectable performances, including a 168 in game two. The Squids were particularly ruthless in that second game, rolling an impressive 744 to overwhelm the Queenpins. Although they stumbled in the third game, losing 622-689, their earlier victories had already secured the match and total series. Three wins out of four? That's what I call a successful fishing expedition! "I put 210 on the board, and the Queenpins couldn't even get their crown out of the water," Matthew Taylor announced. A little harsh, perhaps, but when you're swimming around with a 571 series and a championship practically in your tentacles, you can afford some swagger. Squid Row remains firmly in 1st place, with no movement in the standings. The rest of the league may want to keep an eye on these slippery characters, although at this point they may need binoculars to see the competition behind them.

BowlJobs
Well, well, well! If there's one team that knows how to get down to business, it's BowlJobs, and tonight they demonstrated that sometimes the best results come from a little extra effort in all the right places. Brian Schaben, Kurt Fredrickson, and Mike Fitzgerald arrived ready to put in some serious work, although absent teammate Chris Hagan was apparently unavailable for this particular engagement. Mike Fitzgerald was the team's undeniable workhorse, delivering a 131 in the opening game before turning up the heat with a 144 in the second and a 143 in the third. His 418 series was comfortably above his 119 average, and his 144 was the highest individual game rolled by anyone on the team. Brian Schaben also put in a solid shift, improving steadily from 119 to 125 to 127, finishing with a 371 series. Kurt Fredrickson had a slower start with a 101, but bounced back nicely with consecutive games of 129 and 128. The team took the first two games and the total series, securing three victories despite surrendering the third game. Their 1531 total was more than enough to keep the operation profitable. "I delivered 144 when the team needed it, and I don't mind saying I was pretty impressive with my equipment tonight," Mike Fitzgerald declared. Well, Mike, I certainly appreciate a man who knows how to handle his business! BowlJobs remains in 6th place, with no movement in the standings. Their competitors may want to bring some protection next week, because these BJs are clearly not finished working.

One Woman, Three Excuses
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the most aptly named team in the entire league! One Woman, Three Excuses arrived with JoAnne Barber leading the charge, accompanied by three gentlemen who, judging by the evening's results, may want to spend a little less time preparing their explanations and a little more time practicing their deliveries. JoAnne opened with a respectable 127, stumbled to 99 in the second game, and recovered with a 123 to finish with a 349 series. Jeremy Varnell managed to improve from 109 to 134 in the second game before slipping back to 112, while Jesse Sauerbrei endured a particularly rough opening with a 73, well below his 105 average. To his credit, Jesse recovered with a 109 and then a 129, showing that even the most unfortunate beginnings can lead to something resembling redemption. Chris Lenz saved his best performance for the final game, firing a 168, an impressive 37 pins above his 131 average and the team's highest individual game of the evening. Unfortunately, his late surge could not undo the damage from the first two games. The team lost the opening game 479-433, followed by another defeat in the second, before finally claiming victory in the third with a 541 team score. Their opponents had already secured the total series, however, leaving One Woman, Three Excuses with just one victory. "I would have bowled better if Jesse hadn't been distracting me with that 73," Chris Lenz explained. A bold accusation, Chris, although I suspect the scoreboard may have some questions about that particular defense. One Woman, Three Excuses remains in 4th place, with no change in the standings. Perhaps next week they'll arrive with fewer excuses and a few more strikes.

Well, bowling fans, I believe we may have just witnessed the beginning of the end of the Fall 2026 championship race! Squid Row has spent thirteen weeks swimming circles around the competition, and with just three weeks remaining, the championship is now theirs to lose in the most literal sense imaginable. The mathematical scenario is almost comically improbable: Squid Row must lose every remaining game, while Fist My Bump must win every remaining game, for the championship to slip away. That's an awful lot of things that would have to go wrong for the Squids and an awful lot of things that would have to go right for the Bumpers. But here at the Associated Pins (AP), we believe in respecting the mathematics, no matter how ridiculous the mathematics might be. Therefore, we are NOT officially calling the championship race. The Squids are practically wearing the crown, but until that final mathematical possibility disappears, the champagne stays corked and the trophy remains under lock and key. Elsewhere, Kevin Hodge celebrated a career-best 202 game and 489 series, Lindsay Sargent delivered personal-best performances of 180 and 426, and Matthew Taylor continued his assault on the pins with two 200-plus games and the evening's top men's series. Tim Deddens also crossed the remarkable 30,000-career-pin milestone, finishing the night with 30,253 career pins. And yet, despite all the fireworks, the league standings remained completely frozen in place. Not a single team changed positions! I'm Alotta Tenpin, and I'll be back on the sidelines next week to see whether the Squids finally make the AP eat its words, or whether Fist My Bump can pull off the greatest late-season comeback since... well, let's just say it would be a very big deal. Until then, keep your eyes on the lanes, your fingers out of the ball return, and your championship calculators handy!

Bowlers bribing their way into The 200 Club include: Kevin Hodge (202) and Matthew Taylor (203,210)

A new personal high game was set tonight by Lindsay Sargent (180, previous best 146). In addition, a new personal best series was rolled by Lindsay Sargent (426, previous best 381).

Adding to the excitement, the 180 rolled by Lindsay Sargent is this season's new high game among women.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Nobody claimed victory in Division 1 (though Matthew Taylor came closest), while Tim Deddens rolled his ass to the top of Division 2. Nobody claimed victory in Division 3, and in fact we aren't even going to talk about Division 3 as it was a complete embarassment, and Lindsay Sargent topped Division 4. In terms of overall points: Matthew Taylor leads Division 1; Tim Deddens calls the shots for Division 2; Brandon Cook governs Division 3; and Jeremy Varnell reigns over Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place BowlJobs (hcp 29) will chill with 5th-place The Queenpins. BJs are expected to roll a little low and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Queenpins are forecast to drop their average a bit even as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 2nd-place Fist My Bump  will socialize with 4th-place One Woman, Three Excuses (hcp 59). Fist My Bump might maintain their current strength as they win the series; while Excuses ought to drop their average a bit while they avoid getting swept.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 1st-place Squid Row will roll against 3rd-place Rat & Roll (hcp 128). Squids are predicted to maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while Rats are anticipated to hold steady as they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Tim Deddens Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Lindsay Sargent Runner Up: Tim Deddens	#1 H2H BOWLER Tim Deddens Runner Up: Lindsay Sargent
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "I ran up to high-five Lindsay but I tripped face-first into the rack." Ryan Sisco, motorboatin' his way up to the lane.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Squid Row	42-10	.808	25,733	n/a
2	Fist My Bump	30-22	.577	21,185	n/a
3	Rat & Roll	28-24	.538	19,995	n/a
4	One Woman, Three Excuses	25-27	.481	18,338	n/a
5	The Queenpins	16-36	.308	20,299	n/a
6	BowlJobs	15-37	.288	18,851	n/a