The pins have been counted, the pundits have been silenced, and the future of Gutter Alley has been decided! Week 12 of Fall 2026 wasn't merely another night of bowling. It was a midterm election of epic proportions, with six political organizations taking their campaigns directly to the hardwood, four games' worth of votes being cast, and the fate of the league hanging in the balance. There were victories, humiliating defeats, and at least one team already questioning the legitimacy of the entire electoral process. JoAnne Barber captured the women's high game (158) and series (414), while Scott Murdock claimed the men's high game (195) and Matthew Taylor secured the men's high series (526). And, as always, the real winners were the voters... er, bowlers. The results are in, and you can check this week's bingo results to see whether Lady Luck was on your side!

SQUID ROW: A MANDATE FROM THE DEEP!
The people have spoken, and apparently they want more tentacles in government! The political machine behind Squid Row swam into the evening with a commanding three-game victory, adding the total-series contest to its electoral haul and reaffirming its position atop the standings. Their campaign slogan might as well have been "Eight Arms, One Agenda, No Compromise!" Matthew Taylor was the undisputed candidate for leadership, delivering a 193 in the opening game and finishing with a magnificent 526 series, exactly matching his 178 average overall. Dennis Walling also made a compelling case for continued service, finishing strong with a 179 in the third game. Ben Spencer and Scott Thompson contributed to the winning coalition, with Scott recovering nicely from a rough 106 opening ballot to post a 169 and 164 in the remaining games. Their vision for the future? More strikes, fewer splits, more small fish, fewer sharks, expanded investment in pin removal infrastructure, eradication of sperm whales, and a government that works for every bowler, regardless of how many legs they have or how tasty they are when sliced into rings and fried in batter to a crisp golden brown and served with a lemon wedge and a light sprinkling of roasted pepper and parmesan cheese. Matthew Taylor might have put it best: "We came here to represent the people, and I delivered 526 reasons why they should keep us in power." The Squids remain firmly in 1st place, and tonight's results give them every reason to believe their majority is safe.

BOWLJOBS: FORCING SMILES BUT WITH A LITTLE SOMETHING STUCK IN THEIR TEETH
Across the aisle, BowlJobs managed to secure the opening-game victory before watching their electoral fortunes deteriorate over the remaining contests. They may have lost the match three games to one, but their campaign insists this is not a defeat so much as an opportunity to explore bipartisan cooperation. Kurt Fredrickson was their strongest candidate, putting together an impressive 155 in the first game and a 400 series, substantially outperforming his 119 average. Unfortunately, the rest of the ticket struggled to gain traction. A painfully-injured Brian Schaben initially struggled but finished with 337 thanks to a game 3 surge, while Chris Hagan and Mike Fitzgerald had difficult evenings, ending with 307 and 319 respectively. Mike's 96 in the final game was particularly tricky to spin for the press. Still, the party is not giving up. Their proposed legislative agenda includes working more closely with the Squid Row administration, finding common ground on pin redistribution, increased performance bonuses for quality bowljobs, and perhaps negotiating a few additional strikes in the next session. Kurt Fredrickson offered this diplomatic assessment: "We may not agree on everything, but I think there's a lot we can accomplish together. We're willing to work across the aisle, provided they leave us a few pins." BowlJobs remain in 6th place, but their single victory proves they are not entirely without representation.

RAT & ROLL: THE PEOPLE'S RODENT'S REPUBLIC OF FINE WINE!
From the vineyards of victory emerged Rat & Roll, a sophisticated political movement whose members clearly understand that a good vintage, like a good bowling night, requires patience, balance, and the occasional aggressive decanting of 170 pins. The rodent delegation secured three of four contests, defeating One Woman, Three Excuses and climbing into 3rd place. Kevin Hodge was a particularly distinguished statesman, finishing with 443 and delivering a consistent campaign of 150, 139, and 154. But the evening belonged to Kyle Weber, whose 170 in the opening game was an astonishing 70 pins above his average of 100! He followed that with a personal-best 441 series, raising his average to 107. And the honors kept coming: Weber collected the #1 Power-Ranked Bowler award, the #1 Head-to-Head Bowler award, and the Most Valuable Bowler award. Three awards! One candidate! A complete electoral sweep of the individual honors. Brandon Cook also contributed a respectable 369 series, helping the team maintain its momentum. The Rats' vision for the future is a league built on prosperity, excellent pin action, and a generous supply of fine wine in the victory cellar. As Kyle Weber declared while raising his imaginary crystal goblet, "Tonight we drank deeply from the cup of victory, and apparently I also drank from the fountain of 170." Rat & Roll moves up one position to 3rd place, and the cellar is looking mighty comfortable.

ONE WOMAN, THREE EXCUSES: THE PARTY OF REASONABLE COMPROMISE
The opposition, One Woman, Three Excuses, may have lost the overall election, but they did manage to secure one game and demonstrated that their political movement still has a pulse. JoAnne Barber was their standout candidate, opening with a spectacular 158, which not only led her team but also earned her this week's women's high game. Her 414 series was equally impressive, and she finished the evening with a new average of 130. Chris Lenz also delivered a strong campaign, recording 141 and 149 before wrapping up with a 420 series, comfortably above his 130 average. Jeremy Varnell and Jesse Sauerbrei steadily improved throughout the evening, finishing with 329 and 331 respectively. The party's problem was not a lack of individual talent so much as an inability to assemble a winning coalition at the polls. Their future platform calls for constructive dialogue with Rat & Roll, bipartisan pin-setting reform, and perhaps a few strategic alliances with the rodent community. Chris Lenz offered a conciliatory statement: "We respect the results, and we're ready to work with the winners. We think there's plenty of common ground, especially when it comes to knocking down pins." The defeat drops One Woman, Three Excuses one position to 4th place. They may have lost the majority, but they haven't abandoned the negotiating table.

FIST MY BUMP: A NEW ERA OF INTERPLANETARY FISTING
Houston, we have a mandate! Fist My Bump has successfully completed a three-game mission and secured the total-series vote, defeating The Queenpins in a clean four-contest sweep. This wasn't merely a victory; it was a successful planetary colonization of lanes 5 and 6. Scott Murdock was the undisputed mission commander, launching a 155 in the first game before discovering an entirely new bowling biosphere with a spectacular 195 in the second. His 493 series was nearly 350 percent of the team's ambition, or something like that. I'm not a rocket scientist, but I know a big number when I see one. AJ Hofmann provided crucial support, finishing with 450 and saving some of his best propulsion for the final game, where he rolled 167. Tim Deddens and Jim Koger bowed out the victorious expedition despite all attempts to force them with induced comas. The team's vision for the future is positively interstellar: establish permanent colonies of strikes, eliminate the threat of open frames, and develop diplomatic relations with every standing pin in the known universe. Their motto? "Amaze! Amaze! Amaze!" Scott Murdock summed up the historic occasion: "We came, we bowled, we fist-bumped. The Queenpins never stood a chance." Fist My Bump remains in 2nd place, and with a performance like this, their mission control is already looking toward the next election launch window.

THE QUEENPINS: THE ELECTION WAS RIGGED!
And now, ladies and gentlemen, we turn to the most controversial result of the evening. The Queenpins have suffered a complete four-contest sweep, and their reaction has been nothing short of explosive. "RIGGED! ABSOLUTELY RIGGED!" declared the furious campaign leadership, apparently unwilling to accept the results of a perfectly ordinary bowling match. "We had tremendous numbers. Beautiful numbers. The best numbers. Everybody knows it. And then, somehow, they count the pins, and suddenly we're losing? Very suspicious. Very unfair!" Jon Little, whose 432 series was below his 175 average, led the team in scoring with a 150 in the opening game. Ryan Sisco struggled early with 105 and 107 before recovering to post a 138 in the final game. Todd Kasik contributed a 120 in the second game, while Lindsay Sargent, who missed two of the three games, was the only team member to end above-average as she managed a respectable 111 in her appearance. The Queenpins' vision for the future? First, demand a complete recount. Then investigate the pinsetter machines, subpoena the scorekeepers, and establish a special committee to determine why all those pins kept falling in favor of the opposition. "WE WILL NOT ACCEPT THIS! WE WILL FIGHT LIKE HELL! WE HAVE THE BEST TEAM, THE BIGGEST TEAM, AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BOWLING BALLS! GET OUT THERE AND FIGHT, QUEENPINS! FIGHT!" Despite the protestations, the official results stand. The Queenpins remain in 5th place, but their campaign has vowed that this is not the end. Not even close. In fact, they insist they're winning so much that people are getting tired of all the winning.

There you have it, Gutter Alley! The voters have spoken, the scorecards have been certified, and the political landscape of Fall 2026 has shifted once again. Squid Row continues to rule from the top of the standings, Rat & Roll has seized the momentum and climbed into 3rd, and Fist My Bump has demonstrated that sometimes the best way to win an election is to simply win every single contest. Meanwhile, One Woman, Three Excuses and BowlJobs are looking toward coalition government, while The Queenpins are apparently preparing an investigation that could last well into the next millennium. But remember: in bowling, unlike politics, the pins don't care about your campaign promises. They only care whether that ball finds the pocket. Until next week, this is Alotta Tenpin reporting from the front lines of democracy, where every vote counts and every pin matters!

Bowlers attending watch parties at The 200 Club include: No one at all. We sucked.

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Dennis Walling trounced Division 1, while JoAnne Barber clobbered Division 2. Brandon Cook topped Division 3, and Kyle Weber claimed victory in Division 4. In terms of overall points: Dennis Walling leads Division 1; Tim Deddens dominates Division 2; Brandon Cook governs Division 3; and Jesse Sauerbrei runs the show in Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 2nd-place Fist My Bump  will compete against 3rd-place Rat & Roll (hcp 40). Fist My Bump is expected to roll a little low, yet still manage to win the series; while Rats are forecast to drop their average a bit while they avoid getting swept.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 5th-place The Queenpins (hcp 110) will challenge 1st-place Squid Row. Queenpins might roll a little low and get swept; while Squids ought to drop their average a bit even as they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 6th-place BowlJobs will chill with 4th-place One Woman, Three Excuses (hcp 9). BJs are predicted to have a bit of an off night and get swept; while Excuses are anticipated to hold steady as they rack up a sweep.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Kyle Weber Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Kyle Weber Runner Up: Scott Murdock	#1 H2H BOWLER Kyle Weber Runner Up: Kevin Hodge
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Technically you can't pee in someone's butt because you'd need an erection to get past the sphincter and if you have an erection you can't pee." Chris Lenz delivering the summary of his masters thesis in biology.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Squid Row	39-9	.813	23,698	n/a
2	Fist My Bump	29-19	.604	19,564	n/a
3	Rat & Roll	25-23	.521	18,398	+1
4	One Woman, Three Excuses	24-24	.500	16,929	-1
5	The Queenpins	15-33	.313	18,625	n/a
6	BowlJobs	12-36	.250	17,320	n/a