The eleventh week of Fall 2026 has been an absolute nightmare, and not because of the bowling! I am Malachi Grimwhistle, an ancient and profoundly evil ghost with a magnificent plan to possess a mortal bowler, escape this wretched bowling alley, and unleash unspeakable chaos upon an unsuspecting world. Unfortunately, after a thorough inspection of every team, I have yet to find a suitable vessel for my wicked ambitions. Some bodies are too weak, others are too inconsistent, and a few seem perfectly capable of spreading misery without any supernatural assistance whatsoever. Even worse, the standings have remained as motionless as a room full of corpses! Still, there were bright spots in this miserable hunt for a host. JoAnne Barber claimed the women's high game with 152 and high series with 411, while Matthew Taylor terrorized the men's leaderboard with a 221 game and 614 series. The living may be celebrating, but I remain furious. Read on for the full details of my increasingly desperate search for a champion of darkness, and consult the bingo results before I possess the nearest available snack machine out of sheer frustration!

Lanes 1 & 2:
Frankenqueens vs. 1 Witch, 3 Flying Monkeys

First, I investigated the Frankenqueens, hoping their name suggested a collection of corpses already accustomed to the finer points of evil. Imagine my delight when Ryan Sisco, a regular-built fellow with a generous crop of gray stubble, opened with a magnificent 158! At last, I thought, a mortal whose body might withstand the dark energies of my infernal presence! He followed with a 152, but then his performance declined to 128, and I began to suspect that his supernatural powers were limited to the occasional successful hex. Jon Little, a rather thin gentleman with shoulder-length light-brown hair, proved far more intriguing. He saved his finest work for Game 3, unleashing a 201 that led the team and helped secure a 539 series. He also reached 10,000 career pins, now sitting at 10,254! A man capable of crossing such a milestone might be an excellent instrument of world domination, although I fear he has already committed himself to a different kind of eternal service: bowling. Todd Kasik contributed two 123 games, steadily exceeding his 111 average, while Lindsay Sargent was absent and therefore unavailable for my preliminary possession tests. The Frankenqueens won all three games and the series, completing a four-game sweep with a total of 1,622. They remain in fifth place. Four victories, a personal milestone, and a suspiciously resilient team spirit. I shall continue to observe them, though I am beginning to suspect that the only thing Jon intends to conquer is the next available lane.

Meanwhile, 1 Witch, 3 Flying Monkeys were my next candidates, and I confess I had high hopes. A witch! Three flying monkeys! Surely I could find some willing accomplice among such a collection of magical miscreants. Alas, the witchcraft appeared to be strictly recreational. JoAnne Barber, looking delightfully wicked with her orange socks and straight black hair, produced a 152 in Game 2 and finished with a 411 series, claiming both the team's highest game and an outstanding individual performance. Her 152 also earned her the women's high game of the week. I considered possessing her immediately, but she seemed perfectly capable of wreaking havoc on the pins without my assistance. Jeremy Varnell, a beast-man with a broad dark beard, offered little encouragement with games of 98, 89, and 99. Chris Lenz managed a 140 before falling to 103 in the final game, while Jesse Sauerbrei suffered a particularly ghastly 70 in Game 2 before rallying to 122. That recovery was impressive, but I need a host who can terrorize the planet, not merely recover from a bowling disaster. The team lost all three games and the total series, suffering a four-game sweep that left their flying-monkey credentials in tatters. They remain in third place. JoAnne has talent, Jesse has resilience, and Jeremy has a beard that might conceal a demon or two, but none appears suitably vulnerable to my influence. I departed their lanes empty-handed, muttering curses that caused absolutely no measurable damage to anything.

Lanes 3 & 4:
Night of the Living Squid vs. Fist My Fangs

Then I encountered the Night of the Living Squid, and my hopes for a suitable vessel surged like a thousand souls escaping the underworld. Here was a team whose very name suggested that its members had already made questionable arrangements with the forces of darkness! Matthew Taylor, a thin gentleman with short curly black hair and a frizzy black beard, immediately caught my attention. He rolled a 214 in Game 2 and a 221 in Game 3, finishing with a spectacular 614 series that raised his average from 175 to 178. His 221 was the men's high game of the week, and his 614 was the men's high series. Better still, he earned all three weekly honors: #1 Head-to-Head, #1 Power-Ranked, and Most Valuable Bowler. Three awards! Surely a mortal with such dominance could become the perfect vessel for my reign of terror. Yet the more I watched, the more I realized he was already terrifying enough. Ben Spencer, a very tall, thin man with sparse reddish-blond hair and a short orange beard, followed his squid-covered teammate's example with a 191 in Game 3. Dennis Walling, an athletic looking fellow, blasted a 200 in the opener and a 187 in Game 2 before dropping to 117 in the third. Worse, while I am a spirit looking to possess a body, I soon learned he is a body in possession of spirits! And he keeps them locked in a dark metal box for all but 3 hours of the week! Scott Thompson also contributed a fine 180. The Squids won every game and the total series, posting a monstrous 2,097 and securing a four-game sweep. They remain in first place. Matthew's power is undeniable, but he seems far too busy collecting honors to dedicate himself to the destruction of civilization. I need a host who will obey my every command, not one who would demand a commemorative plaque for saving the world from me.

Fist My Fangs appeared to offer a more promising alternative. Their name practically begged for an evil spirit to move in, and I was delighted to discover that Scott Murdock, a tall, gimpy gentleman with a slight white goatee, began the match with a fearsome 183. That was 39 pins above his 144 average! I briefly imagined him as my chosen champion, stalking the streets and spreading terror with a bowling ball in one hand and an infernal curse in the other. Then came games of 136 and 136, and my dreams collapsed faster than an improperly stacked tower of skulls. AJ Hofmann, half Scott's size but twice as evil, also began promisingly with a 180 before sliding to 137 and 126. Tim Deddens, a tall, athletic man with a neatly groomed brown beard and a perpetually youthful appearance, endured scores of 111 and 100 before recovering to 136. Jim Koger was either already a ghost or on another Mexican siesta, leaving me with insufficient evidence to assess his suitability for eternal wickedness. The Fangs lost all three games and the total series, allowing the Squids to complete their four-game sweep. They remain in second place, which is respectable enough for a bowling team but hardly the sort of power I require for world domination. Scott has the occasional flash of destruction, and AJ has the look of a man who might accidentally unleash an ancient curse while looking for his car keys. But neither has demonstrated the consistent malice required for my grand design. I withdrew from the lanes, disappointed and somewhat concerned that I had spent an entire evening searching for a body only to discover that the living were quite capable of defeating themselves.

Lanes 5 & 6:
Demon Rats From Beyond the Dungeon vs. TombJobs

At last, the Demon Rats From Beyond the Dungeon arrived, and I nearly wept spectral tears of joy. Their name contained the words "Demon" and "Dungeon," which are generally excellent signs when one is seeking a host for unspeakable evil. I focused my attention on David Schemenauer, who delivered the most extraordinary performance of the evening. His 193 in Game 3 helped produce a 504 series, both personal bests, and that final game stood 49 pins above his 144 average, making it the highest over-average game of the night. Here, I thought, was a mortal who could rise from humble beginnings and become an unstoppable force of chaos! I imagined possessing David and directing his considerable talents toward more sinister pursuits. Perhaps he could overthrow governments, topple financial markets, or at least persuade every bowling alley in the world to replace its pins with screaming skeletons. But he appeared entirely content to improve his average to 147 and celebrate a career milestone. Brandon Cook turned in steady performances of 102, 113, and 111, while Andy Orwig opened with a respectable 148 before fading to 105 and 95. Kevin Hodge was absent, which was particularly inconvenient because I had hoped to investigate whether his empty place on the roster indicated a possible opening in the mortal world. The Demon Rats won all three games and the series, finishing with 1,601 and delivering a four-game sweep. They remain in fourth place. David's remarkable night proves that he has the ability to exceed expectations, but I cannot help wondering whether his greatest ambition is simply to keep improving his bowling. What a waste of potentially magnificent evil! I lingered near his lane, whispering promises of unimaginable power, only to realize that I was competing with the allure of a new personal best. Even I cannot compete with a bowler's appetite for bragging rights.

The TombJobs seemed to be my final hope. Their name suggested an entire workforce dedicated to the business of death, and I was eager to interview the employees of this macabre enterprise. Kurt Fredrickson, a tall, thin gentleman with short salt-and-pepper hair, began with a dismal 85 and followed with a 91 before climbing to 113. I watched closely, hoping his gradual improvement would reveal a hidden reserve of dark power. Instead, it appeared that his body was merely attempting to remember how bowling worked. Chris Hagan, an athletic man with short blond hair and a youthful appearance from a great enough distance, gave me a brief glimmer of hope with the team's highest game, a 138 in Game 2. Unfortunately, he followed with a 120, and his team could not turn that individual effort into a victory. Brian Schaben and Mike Fitzgerald were stranded in Limbo, leaving their evil potential frustratingly unquantified. The TombJobs lost all three games and the total series, their 1,413 total falling well short of the Demon Rats' 1,601. That means a four-game sweep, a dreadful evening, and a continued stay in sixth place. I have never witnessed such a complete collapse of workplace morale outside of a haunted factory whose employees have just discovered that the health insurance excludes resurrection. Chris has some promise, Kurt seemed suitably grim, and the team name is practically a recruitment poster for the underworld. Yet no one showed the overwhelming, sustained power I need to turn my wicked dreams into a global catastrophe. I offered them eternal life in exchange for their allegiance. They declined, apparently preferring to return next week and try again. The insolence! The absolute insolence!

And so my search continues. Four matches, twelve individual game results, four series outcomes, and not a single suitable vessel for my glorious campaign of evil. The Frankenqueens have their victories, the Flying Monkeys have their broomsticks, the Night of the Living Squid have their awards, and the Fangs have their occasional flashes of ferocity. The Demon Rats have David Schemenauer's astonishing personal bests, while the TombJobs have demonstrated that even the most dedicated workforce can struggle when the supernatural competition is fierce. Yet the standings remain unchanged, and my ambitions remain unfulfilled. Matthew Taylor is too busy dominating the league, David Schemenauer is too busy setting personal records, and the rest seem determined to continue their mortal pursuits rather than embrace the magnificence of eternal darkness. I have tried whispers, curses, ominous fog, and a brief attempt to make the automatic scoring system display ominous prophecies. Nothing worked. I may have to expand my search beyond this bowling alley, though the prospect of haunting a grocery store until I find a suitably wicked shopper fills me with profound dread. Until next week, I shall remain in the shadows, waiting for the perfect bowler to emerge: someone with the talent to dominate, the temperament to terrorize, and the good sense to surrender their body to an ancient evil. This is Malachi Grimwhistle, signing off from the lanes of disappointment. May your pins fall, your averages rise, and your souls remain firmly attached to your bodies. For now.

Bowlers who summoned Satan at The 200 Club include: Dennis Walling (200), Jon Little (201), and Matthew Taylor (214,221)

In this week's Tournament of Champions InterDivisional brackets: Matthew Taylor cleaned up Group 1, while Ryan Sisco clobbered Group 2. David Schemenauer won Group 3, and Todd Kasik staked a claim for the Iron Throne in Group 4.

In terms of overall points within each division after this Interdivisional round : Matthew Taylor tops Division 1; Tim Deddens is in the driver's seat in Division 2; Brandon Cook dominates Division 3; and Jesse Sauerbrei reigns over Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 1st-place Night of the Living Squid will match wits with 6th-place TombJobs (hcp 135). Squids are expected to roll a little low, yet still manage to sweep the series; while BJs are forecast to drop their average a bit while they endure a rough night.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 3rd-place 1 Witch, 3 Flying Monkeys (hcp 10) will spend some quality time with 4th-place Demon Rats From Beyond the Dungeon. Excuses might roll a little low and get swept; while Rats ought to hold steady as they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 5th-place Frankenqueens (hcp 20) will roll against 2nd-place Fist My Fangs. Queenpins are predicted to maintain their current strength as they win the series; while Fist My Bump is anticipated to drop their average a bit while they avoid getting swept.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Matthew Taylor Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Matthew Taylor Runner Up: David Schemenauer	#1 H2H BOWLER Matthew Taylor Runner Up: Ryan Sisco
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Ugh, I was SO CLOSE to unleashing my thousand-year reign!" Satan, moments after AJ's meaningless final roll in game 1 hit only 2 pins, flipping his team's final score from 666 to 668. Well, they may have saved humanity, but those two pins were meaningless in all other regards.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Squid Row	36-8	.818	21,819	n/a
2	Fist My Bump	25-19	.568	17,895	n/a
3	One Woman, Three Excuses	23-21	.523	15,435	n/a
4	Rat & Roll	22-22	.500	16,782	n/a
5	The Queenpins	15-29	.341	17,207	n/a
6	BowlJobs	11-33	.250	15,957	n/a

Men's High Series Scratch	Women's High Series Scratch
Matthew Taylor - 614 Jon Little - 539 David Schemenauer - 504 Ben Spencer - 504 (t) Dennis Walling - 504 (t) Scott Thompson - 475 Scott Murdock - 455	JoAnne Barber - 411
Men's High Series Handicap	Women's High Series Handicap
Matthew Taylor - 674 David Schemenauer - 638 Scott Thompson - 607 Ryan Sisco - 606 Ben Spencer - 604	JoAnne Barber - 581
Men's High Game Scratch	Women's High Game Scratch
Matthew Taylor - 221 Jon Little - 201 Dennis Walling - 200 David Schemenauer - 193 Ben Spencer - 191	JoAnne Barber - 152
Men's High Game Handicap	Women's High Game Handicap
Matthew Taylor - 241 David Schemenauer - 237 Scott Murdock - 227 Dennis Walling - 227 (t) Ben Spencer - 224 Scott Thompson - 224 (t)	JoAnne Barber - 208
Men's Pins Over Average	Women's Pins Over Average
David Schemenauer - 49 Matthew Taylor - 46 Scott Murdock - 39 Scott Thompson - 35 Dennis Walling - 34	JoAnne Barber - 23