Senator Eric Schmitt: "Mr. Smith, we're going to begin with a very simple fact. Week 7 of Fall 2026 resulted in absolutely no movement in the standings. Correct?"
Jack Smith: "That's what the standings show."
Schmitt: "Good. We're making progress already. Now, were you bowling on Lane 7?"
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "That's interesting, because my information indicates there was a team called the Queenhawks on Lane 7."
Smith: "There is no Queenhawks team."
Schmitt: "So that's your testimony?"
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "And you're saying Fani Willis wasn't there as a substitute?"
Smith: "I never said anything about Fani Willis."
Schmitt: "We'll come back to that."
Smith: "Thank you."
Schmitt: "I wasn't finished. JoAnne Barber picked up this week's women's high game and series with 121 and 353, while Jon Little exploded for the men's high game with 215 and high series with 493. David Schemenauer rolled a personal-best 192, Kevin Hodge rolled a personal-best 165, and absolutely nobody moved in the standings. So despite all this bowling, nobody went anywhere. And nobody even earned Most Valuable Bowler this week. Mr. Smith, I have questions about that. A lot of questions. And this week's bingo results are going to be part of the record."

Fist My Bump vs. Squid Row

Schmitt: "Let's start with the Fist Bumps."
Smith: "Fist My Bump."
Schmitt: "That's what I said."
Smith: "No, it isn't."
Schmitt: "Is same."
Smith: "It's not the same."
Schmitt: "Mr. Smith, I'm going to ask you to stop interrupting. Were you bowling for the Fist Bumps on lanes 1 and 2?"
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Then explain Scott Murdock."
Smith: "What?"
Schmitt: "Scott Murdock. 125, 149, 94. Those are terrible bowling scores, aren't they?"
Smith: "Yes, I can agree with you on that."
Schmitt: "And he was on the Fist Bumps?"
Smith: "Fist My Bump."
Schmitt: "That's a distinction without a difference."
Smith: "It's literally the name of the team."
Schmitt: "And Tim Deddens rolled 389. Jim Koger rolled 336. Are you telling me these men were bowling on lanes 1 and 2 while you were not there?"
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "I find that extraordinary." Fist My Bump had a night of extremes. Deddens was the steady force with a 389 series, while Murdock's middle-game surge to 149 briefly looked like the spacecraft had collected its samples and achieved escape velocity before his 94 in Game 3 sent the mission crashing back into Adrian's atmosphere. Koger steadily improved from 99 to 118 to 119."
Smith:"The problem was that Fist My Bump won only Game 2 and lost the series. They remain in 2nd place."
Schmitt: "So you're admitting there was bowling?"
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "But denying you were there?"
Smith: "Correct."
Schmitt: "We'll see."

Schmitt: "Now let's discuss the Squids."
Smith: "Squid Row?"
Schmitt: "Squid Road."
Smith: "Squid Row."
Schmitt: "Mr. Smith, whether it's a road or a row, it's aquatic."
Smith: "That's not the issue."
Schmitt: "I think it is. Chris Lenz rolled 173, 141 and 172 for 486. That's the kind of consistency you don't get unless somebody knows where the lanes are. Were you standing next to Chris Lenz?"
Smith: "I'm confused. There is no one named Chris Lenz on this team."
Schmitt: "Yes there is. You were standing right behind him."
Smith: "No....?"
Schmitt: "Again, yes there is. We have proof you were standing right behind him."
Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-Minnesota): "I believe you mean Chris Windham. Chris Lenz bowls on a college team on a completely different lane."
Schmitt: "Excuse me, have I yielded my time? Just who are we questioning here?"
Schmitt [redirecting to Smith]: "Were you behind Chris Lenz... I mean Windham?"
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Were you under Chris Windham?"
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Were you inside Chris Windham?"
Smith: "Absolutely not."
Schmitt: "Then why does your testimony continue to contradict the scorecard?"
Smith: "It doesn't."

Schmitt's frustration was already beginning to boil. Squid Row had Chris Windham guiding the team with a 486 series and three victories, while Ben Spencer saved his team's biggest explosion for Game 3 with a 191, the Squids' highest game. Dennis Walling opened with 179 before sliding to 136 and 118. Squid Row took Games 1 and 3 and the series, while Fist My Bump managed only Game 2. Windham also collected the week's #1 Head-to-Head honor.

Schmitt: "So Chris Windham says he was on the lane."
Smith: "Okay."
Schmitt: "And you're saying you weren't."
Smith: "Correct."
Schmitt: "Well, somebody is lying."
Smith: "It doesn't follow that anyone is lying."
Schmitt: "I think you're very close to perjuring yourself, Mr. Smith."
Smith: "I wasn't even bowling."

Schmitt: "Let's move to the next matchup: Blowjobs."
Smith: "BowlJobs."
Schmitt: "That's what I said. Bowl Work."
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Were you on lanes 3 and 4?"
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Were you associated with Bowl Work?"
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Then explain Kurt Fredrickson."
Smith: "He's a bowler."
Schmitt: "Exactly. And he rolled 364."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "Which means he was there."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "And if he was there, someone had to be there to witness it."
Smith: "The other bowlers?"
Schmitt: "You keep introducing alternative explanations that aren't supported by the evidence." With Brian Schaben and Carl Mueller absent, BowlJobs had Kurt Fredrickson and Mike Fitzgerald carrying the load. Kurt produced a 364 series, but Mike endured a brutal opening 85 before recovering to 106 and then a team-high 141 in Game 3. Unfortunately, the comeback arrived too late to rescue the match. BowlJobs lost all four games and remains in 6th place. Mr. Smith, Kurt Fredrickson's 364 is in the record."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "Mike Fitzgerald's 141 is in the record."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "So why aren't you?"
Smith: "Because I wasn't bowling."
Schmitt: "That's exactly the kind of answer people give when they are trying to avoid being implicated."
Smith: "Implicated in what?"
Schmitt: "We're still determining that."

Schmitt: "Now we get to Rats Who Roll."
Smith: "Rat & Roll."
Schmitt: "Rat and Rolling."
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Rats Balls, correct?"
Smith: "No. Again, it's Rat & Roll."
Schmitt: "That makes no sense."
Smith: "It's a bowling pun."
Schmitt: "That's your characterization."
Smith: "It's literally their team name."
Schmitt: "David Schemenauer rolled 192."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "A personal best."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "Forty-nine pins over his average."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "And you want this committee to believe you weren't on that lane?"
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "I think Mr. Schemenauer may have just perjured himself."
Smith: "How?"
Schmitt: "I don't know yet."

Rat & Roll swept the match, with Schemenauer producing the decisive 447 series and his spectacular 192 in Game 3. Kevin Hodge also established a new personal best with 165, while Andy Orwig finished with 356 and Brandon Cook remained close to his average. The rats were rolling, the wine was apparently flowing, and BowlJobs never found an answer.

Schmitt: "Four victories."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "Four games."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "And you're saying you weren't there for any of them?"
Smith: "Correct."
Schmitt: "I find that very difficult to believe."

Despite the sweep, Rat & Roll remains in 4th place.

Schmitt: "We're now moving to the final match. And I want to be very clear, Mr. Smith, I am becoming increasingly frustrated."
Smith: "I can tell."
Schmitt: "The team is called One Woman, Three Excuses."
Smith: "Correct."
Schmitt: "Pardon me, I mean One Woman, Three Accusations."
Smith: "No."
Schmitt: "Excuses. Accusations. Similar concept."
Smith: "Not really."
Schmitt: "JoAnne Barber rolled 121 for the women's high game and 353 for the high series."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "And she picked up an 8-10 split."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "Which is difficult."
Smith: "Yes, somewhat so."
Schmitt: "So you admit she was bowling."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "But you weren't."
Smith: "Correct."
Schmitt: "You're doing it again. One Woman, Three Excuses won three of the four games and the series. Chris Lenz was the biggest offensive weapon, rolling 170 and 430 and earning the week's #1 Power-Ranked designation. Jeremy Varnell provided one of the night's biggest recoveries, climbing from 69 in Game 1 to 110 and then 121, while Jesse Sauerbrei stayed near his average. Mr. Smith, I'm telling you right now: if you keep contradicting this scorecard, somebody is going to have to answer for it."
Smith: "I haven't contradicted anything."
Schmitt: "That's enough."

Schmitt: "Now, The Queenpins."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "The Queenpins?"
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "The Queenpins."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "Then explain the Queenhawks."
Smith: "There is no Queenhawks."
Schmitt: "That's not what my information says."
Smith: "What information?"
Schmitt: "Lane 7."
Smith: "There is no Lane 7 in this bowling alley."
Schmitt: "Exactly."
Smith: "That doesn't make sense."
Schmitt: "I'm not finished. My information indicates that Fani Willis was secretly used as a substitute for the Queenhawks on Lane 7."
Smith: "That's completely false."
Schmitt: "So you still you deny being there."
Smith: "Because there is no Lane 7."
Schmitt: "That's exactly what someone who bowled on Lane 7 would say."
Smith: "The actual The Queenpins were on the real lanes, where Jon Little produced the night's most explosive performance: a 215 game, the only 200-plus game of the session, and a 493 series. Ryan Sisco contributed 376, but the Queenpins could convert Little's tremendous opening performance into only one team victory. They lost Games 2 and 3 and the series, remaining in 5th place."
Schmitt: "Mr. Smith, Jon Little says he was there."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "You say you weren't."
Smith: "Yes."
Schmitt: "And Fani Willis?"
Smith: "Wasn't there."
Schmitt: "And Lane 7?"
Smith: "Doesn't exist."
Schmitt: "I think someone is perjuring themselves."
Smith: "Who?"
Schmitt: "We're going to find out, Dirtbag."

Schmitt: "Mr. Smith, before we conclude, I want to summarize what we have established today. First, nobody moved in the standings. Second, JoAnne Barber had the women's high game and series. Third, Jon Little rolled a 215 and a 493 series. Fourth, David Schemenauer rolled a personal-best 192 and finished 49 pins above his average. Fifth, Kevin Hodge rolled a personal-best 165. And sixth, despite all of these people being demonstrably present and bowling, you continue to insist that you were not on any of these lanes."
Smith: "That's correct."
Schmitt: "We have Fist Bumps, which you insist is called Fist My Bump. We have Squid Row, which you insist is not Squid Road. We have BowlJobs, which you refuse to acknowledge as Bowl Work. We have Rat & Roll, which you refuse to call Rats Rolling. We have One Woman, Three Excuses, which you inexplicably refuse to call One Woman, Three Accusations. And finally we have The Queenpins, which somehow, according to absolutely no legitimate evidence whatsoever, became the Queenhawks on a nonexistent Lane 7 with Fani Willis as a sub. Mr. Smith, I think we've uncovered something very important."
Smith: "What?"
Schmitt: "I have absolutely no idea where you were. But I am increasingly confident you weren't where you said you weren't."
Smith: "That's not how evidence works."
Schmitt: "We'll let the record decide."

And with that, the hearing is adjourned. The standings remain exactly where they started. The scorecard remains considerably more reliable than the questioning. And Lane 7 remains, for purposes of this investigation, the most heavily disputed nonexistent lane in Gutter Alley history. This is the Week 7 record, and unlike the testimony, at least the numbers can be checked.

Bowlers who actually DID go to Atlanta for the grand opening of a new franchise of The 200 Club include: Jon Little (215)

In this week's Tournament of Champions InterDivisional brackets: Chris Lenz claimed victory in Group 1, while Chris Windham trounced Group 2. Jesse Sauerbrei crushed Group 3, and Kevin Hodge rolled his ass to the top of Group 4.

In terms of overall points within each division after this Interdivisional round : Chris Windham reigns over Division 1; Tim Deddens governs Division 2; Chris Lenz runs the show in Division 3; and Brian Schaben leads Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place BowlJobs (hcp will socialize with 5th-place The Queenpins. BJs are expected to maintain their current strength as they lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Queenpins are forecast to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 2nd-place Fist My Bump  will meet with 3rd-place One Woman, Three Excuses (hcp 70). Fist My Bump might maintain their current strength as they and split the series with Excuses; while Excuses ought to raise their average while they keep the series tied.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 1st-place Squid Row will face 4th-place Rat & Roll (hcp 132). Squids are predicted to maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while Rats are anticipated to hold steady as they endure a rough night.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB No one Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Chris Lenz Runner Up: Chris Windham	#1 H2H BOWLER Chris Windham Runner Up: Chris Lenz
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) In lieu of a Gutter Quote, we are using this space to share the news that Carl Mueller is out for the remainder of the season (and possibly longer) due to a knee injury. Let's all wish him the best and for a full recovery! Carl Mueller, all broken

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Squid Row	23-5	.821	14,073	n/a
2	Fist My Bump	19-9	.679	11,520	n/a
3	One Woman, Three Excuses	14-14	.500	9,690	n/a
4	Rat & Roll	13-15	.464	10,725	n/a
5	The Queenpins	9-19	.321	10,962	n/a
6	BowlJobs	6-22	.214	10,250	n/a