A hush fell over the lanes this week... the kind of hush you hear before absolute, thunderous, pin-crushing chaos—and, increasingly, before someone brings up *the ballroom*. Week 13 of Spring 2026 arrived with all the drama of a blockbuster finale and somehow... not a single inch of movement in the standings. Stagnation? Technically yes. Electrifying? Also yes. Hi, I’m Alotta Tenpin, your sideline siren of strikes and mildly concerned observer of league logistics. For 150 years—yes, I’m told since approximately the invention of varnished wood—the league has been clamoring for a proper ballroom addition to this bowling alley. “For security,” they say. And after tonight, I’m beginning to think they might be onto something.

JoAnne Barber lit up the women’s side with a sparkling 145 game and 407 series, while Jon Little absolutely detonated the building with a monstrous 257 game and a jaw-dropping 642 series. That’s not just bowling, that’s performance art. For more nail-biting excitement, check out this week's bingo results.

The dashing heroes of Walk Offs stepped into battle against the tentacled tacticians of Squid Row, and oh honey, this one had more twists than a mystery novel—and just enough sideline commotion to keep the “ballroom proposal committee” whispering.

For the Walk Offs, things started with a bang but fizzled like a soda left open overnight. They snagged Game 1 with a strong 680, and you could hear the celebratory high-fives echoing into the snack bar. Mike Fitzgerald, tall and silver-haired with the composed air of a man who absolutely has a favorite stool somewhere, led the charge with a stellar 404 series, including a clutch 150 in Game 3. Chris Hagan came out hot with a 153—well above average—looking like a man who had just unlocked a secret level. Brian Schaben had a quieter night below his average, but kept things steady. Still, after dropping Games 2 and 3 and the series, the Walk Offs looked deflated. “There was a cross-breeze. Indoors. I can’t prove it, but I felt it,” Mike Fitzgerald said, eyeing the ventilation like it owed him money. "A proper ballroom would be more airtight," he added. One win only, and they remain in 5th place, feeling the sting.

Squid Row, meanwhile, surged like a tide rolling in. After a slow start in Game 1, they exploded in Game 2 with a massive 760—an absolute splash. Matthew Taylor, with his tightly curled hair and thoughtful intensity (and frankly, a look that says he reads philosophy but also throws a mean strike), delivered a dominant 572 series, highlighted by a sizzling 225 game that led all Squids. Dennis Walling came alive late with a 199 in Game 3, and Chris Windham rebounded from a rough start to post a strong 191 in Game 2. The team looked energized, confident, and maybe just a little smug in that charming squid-like way. “I released that perfectly—the universe just disagreed… in Game 1,” Windham admitted, before immediately correcting the universe in Games 2 and 3 (as well as correcting the scoreboard in game 2). "If we had a beautiful ballroom there would not be scoring mistakes like that," added Walling. Three wins, a series victory, and Squid Row holds firm in 2nd place, tentacles wrapped tightly around success.

Over on lanes 3 and 4, The Queenpins didn’t just win—they issued a royal decree. A clean sweep over Thots & Spares, and not even the faintest hint of resistance.

The Queenpins were radiant. Jon Little—fresh off moving into a new home, and suddenly the most talked-about bowler in the building—delivered a performance for the ages. His 642 series was a personal best and included a blistering 257 game, a staggering 91 pins over his average. That’s not just hot—that’s historically spicy. He also added a 226 earlier, because moderation is for other people. Ryan Sisco backed him up with a strong 445 series, consistently above average, while Dustin Schmeltz kept things steady despite a dip in Game 2. Jon, with that calm demeanor and flowing hair, might not know it, but if bowling had a red carpet, he’d be front and center—and I would absolutely be interviewing him. “I just stayed in the zone,” Jon said, which sounds simple but clearly involves some sort of advanced wizardry. "By the way, my new home even has a ballroom so I don't know why the league can't have one," he continued. The Queenpins remain in 4th, but momentum is building like a royal procession.

Thots & Spares, on the other hand, endured the agony of a full sweep—and yes, they felt every frame of it. AJ Hofmann led the way with a strong 535 series, including a 190 finish, doing everything he could to keep things competitive. Tim Deddens started hot with a 164 before cooling, while Scott Murdock stayed consistent but couldn’t quite break through. AJ, focused and intense under that cap, looked like a man trying to will pins into submission. “Someone clapped at the wrong time. You don’t recover from that, and if we had more golden chandeliers in here it would inspire more respect” AJ said, pointing vaguely toward the seating area with total conviction. Three losses plus the series—devastating. They remain in 3rd place, but you could feel the heartbreak in every frame.

And finally, on lanes 5 and 6, we witnessed what can only be described as a very one-sided affair. The underdog 3 Pins and a Gutter faced the blazing juggernaut Hot-n-Ready®... and oh my.

3 Pins and a Gutter were swept—completely, utterly, and with a kind of quiet heartbreak. Not a single win, and they felt it. But there were bright spots! JoAnne Barber shined with a 407 series and a high game of 145, leading her team with confidence and consistency. Jesse Sauerbrei achieved a personal best 136 in Game 1, a moment of triumph that lit up the early frames. Jeremy Varnell and Nathan Burrows struggled to keep pace, both dipping below average as the night wore on. Jesse, riding the high of that personal best, still kept his humor intact. “My balls and I are currently not on speaking terms, sop there needs to be some sport of room for my balls to be sent to” he said, shaking his head like someone in a complicated relationship. They remain in 6th, and the mood? Bittersweet with a hint of existential bowling dread.

Hot-n-Ready® were exactly that: hot... and very, very ready. Mmmm, I'm getting hot and bothered just thinking about how hot and ready they are. They dominated every game, including a towering 806 in Game 2 that felt like a statement written in flaming pins. Ian Estey led the charge with a phenomenal 635 series, including games of 198, 228, and 209—multiple 200+ performances that kept the pressure relentless. Seth Gunderson and Nick Kinney added strong, steady support, and Buck Nasty chipped in with a 208 because of course he did. Ian, tall and focused with that quiet intensity, delivers strikes like it’s just another Tuesday—and honestly, I’m a little mesmerized. “I know we are great, but if we could bowl in a proper ballroom we'd have beautiful golden 700 series every week,” Buck Nasty said after a rare miss, which I choose to believe completely. Four wins, total dominance, and they remain firmly in 1st place.

And there you have it, folks. No movement in the standings, but an avalanche of action, heartbreak, heroics—and a growing, centuries-old case for why this league might finally get its wish for a proper ballroom. Not for dancing (though I’d attend), but for those moments when the excitement spills just a little beyond the lanes.

Bowlers ducking past the bouncer at The 200 Club include: Buck Nasty (208), Ian Estey (228,209), Jon Little (226,257), and Matthew Taylor (225)

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Ian Estey vanquished Division 1, while Jon Little topped Division 2. Ryan Sisco staked a claim for the Iron Throne in Division 3, and nobody claimed victory in Division 4 (though Jesse Sauerbrei came closest). In terms of overall points: Ian Estey tops Division 1; Scott Murdock runs the show in Division 2; Tim Deddens reigns over Division 3; and Jesse Sauerbrei governs Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place 3 Pins and a Gutter (hcp 84) will chuck some balls with 4th-place The Queenpins. Gutterly Pinned is expected to maintain their current strength as they and split the series with Queenpins; while Queenpins are forecast to drop their average a bit while they keep the series tied.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 5th-place Walk Offs (hcp 179) will battle 1st-place Hot-n-Ready®. Walkers might roll a little low and get swept; while The Ready® ought to raise their average while they rack up a sweep.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 3rd-place Thots & Spares (hcp 84) will face 2nd-place Squid Row. Thots are predicted to have a bit of an off night and lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Squids are anticipated to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Jon Little Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Jon Little Runner Up: Ian Estey	#1 H2H BOWLER Ian Estey Runner Up: Jon Little
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Can you explain that, Scoot? Of course I love my cookware, I use my pans every day. How does that make me a pansexual?" Jesse, right on the cusp of understanding Jeremy's pun.