With nearly a third of the league absent a strange calm hovered over the lanes this week—the kind that says, “nothing changed… but EVERYTHING happened.” The standings? Frozen solid. The action? Positively boiling. I’m Alotta Tenpin, your ever-vigilant sideline correspondent (yes, that Alotta Tenpin that you may have also seen on OnlyFans), here to bring you every strike, stumble, and suspicious pin reaction with my trademark enthusiasm and only mildly questionable understanding of bowling.

As the only woman present besides yours truly, JoAnne Barber "dazzled" with the women’s "high" game (114) and series (329), while Ben Spencer detonated the night with a 211, and Seth Gunderson—cool, clinical, inevitable—stacked up a massive 584 series. No movement in the rankings, but plenty of movement in the emotions, folks. And before we roll on, don’t forget to check this week’s bingo results right here—because unlike the standings, something had to give!

Lanes 1 & 2: Thots & Spares vs. 3 Pins and a Gutter

Thots & Spares
Short-handed but sharp-minded, Thots & Spares proved you don’t need a full roster to deliver full drama. With Jim Koger and Tim Deddens absent, AJ Hofmann and Scott Murdock stepped up like a duo that just discovered that Ron just made a fresh new batch of free popcorn and decided to own the moment. AJ led the way with a 502 series, including a team-high 182—cool, composed, and just flashy enough to make you wonder if he practices in secret. “I knew once I hit my rhythm, it was over,” AJ said, and honestly… it kind of was.

Scott Murdock—tall, glasses catching the lane lights, rocking what I can only assume is his 47th most favorite brewery's t-shirt—put together strong games of 167 and 175 before slipping to 133 in Game 3. But by then, the Thots had already taken Games 1 and 2 and locked up the series. They finished with three wins, and you could feel the excitement—they were practically floating back to their seats. Third place remains theirs, and they look very comfortable there… though I suspect they’re eyeing something higher.

3 Pins and a Gutter
Oh, the Gutters… so close, yet so gutterly far. They managed to claw out a Game 3 win, but the rest of the night had the unmistakable sting of near-misses and “what ifs.” Jeremy Varnell led the squad with a 383 series, including a 149 that stood as the team’s high game. Big presence, big beard, big Game 2—Jeremy looked like a man ready to dominate, and for one shining moment, he did. “I was on fire—then the lanes cooled off,” he said, which is not how lanes work, but I respect the confidence.

JoAnne Barber claimed the women’s high series (329) and high game (114). Smooth, steady, and quietly effective, she kept the team competitive throughout. Jesse Sauerbrei had a rollercoaster night, dropping to 80 in Game 2 before roaring back with a 118 in Game 3. Still, three losses weighed heavy, and you could feel the frustration lingering like the smell of fresh burgers from the snack bar. ("JoAnne! Your burder's ready!") Sixth place holds, but this team is itching for a breakthrough.

Lanes 3 & 4: Hot-n-Ready® vs. Squid Row

Hot-n-Ready®
Hot-n-Ready® came out sizzling—crispy, even—and led by the unstoppable Seth Gunderson, they looked like a team that had already decided victory should be on the menu. The #1 Power-Ranked and Most Valuable Bowler delivered a monster 584 series with games of 200, 190, and 194. That’s not just consistency—that’s domination with a side of cheese sticks. “I just let the ball do the work,” Seth said, which I believe is only partially true but fully impressive.

Ian Estey backed him up beautifully with a 578 series, punctuated by a 209 in Game 3—one of the night’s standout 200+ performances. Together, they powered the team to wins in Games 1 and 3, and the energy was undeniable. But somehow—somehow—they lost the total series. I’m not saying the scoring system is confusing, but I am saying I’ve asked three people and received four different explanations. Still, first place remains firmly theirs, and they’re playing like a team that expects to stay there.

Squid Row
Squid Row brought the ink and the intensity, sliding their way to a total series win while splitting the games. Matthew Taylor was sensational, rolling a 580 series with back-to-back 202 games—yes, TWO 202s, because apparently one wasn’t dramatic enough. Calm, focused, and wearing a shirt covered in squids (which I find both bold and slightly hypnotic), he led the charge. “I just stayed loose and let it flow,” Matthew said, which sounds exactly like something a squid would say.

Ben Spencer delivered the night’s highest game—a blistering 211, 35 pins over his average—and it was an absolute rocket. Dennis Walling added a 201 and reached 150 career 200 games, a milestone that feels both historic and mildly intimidating. Chris Windham chipped in with a 484 series despite a late dip. The Squids took the total and held onto 2nd place, looking every bit like a team that thrives in deep waters and high pressure.

Lanes 5 & 6: The Queenpins vs. Walk Offs

The Queenpins
The half of The Queenpins who made it tonight didn’t just win—they ruled. A clean sweep, four wins, and the kind of performance that makes you want to stand up and curtsy. Dustin Schmeltz led the royal charge with a 525 series, including a 195 high game that sparkled like a crown jewel. “Everything was clicking tonight,” Dustin said, and it absolutely was—precision, power, and just a touch of flair.

Ryan Sisco added a strong 432 series, finishing with a 165 in Game 3, looking like a man who could casually dominate a league night and then go grill the perfect steakIt afterward. Despite missing Lindsay Sargent and Jon Little, the Queenpins never faltered. They swept every game and the series, and the excitement was palpable—they knew they had just delivered something special. Fourth place remains theirs, but this kind of performance sends a clear message: the crown is calling.

Walk Offs
The Walk Offs… oh, this was a tough watch. Swept across the board, and the weight of it showed in every frame. It’s not that they didn’t try—it’s that nothing seemed to work. Chris Hagan led with a 349 series, but even his effort couldn’t turn the tide. “I swear the pins were leaning,” Chris said, which is a bold claim and one I will absolutely repeat without verifying.

Brian Schaben’s 123 stood as the team’s high game, while Carl Mueller struggled well below his average all night, unable to find a rhythm. It was the kind of evening where every good shot felt just a little unlucky, and every bad break felt magnified. The devastation was real—but not without hope. Fifth place holds, and if there’s one thing bowling teaches us (I think), it’s that the next frame is always a fresh start.

No movement in the standings—but don’t be fooled. This week had everything: dominant sweeps, heroic efforts, crushing defeats, and just enough mystery to keep me asking questions I may never understand. The tension is building, the stakes are rising, and if this keeps up… we may actually see a shift soon.

Until then, I’m Alotta Tenpin, reminding you: keep your eye on the pins, trust your instincts, and never underestimate a team with momentum—and access to free popcorn.

Bowlers announcing plans to build a new Royals Stadium next to The 200 Club include: Ben Spencer (211), Dennis Walling (201), Ian Estey (209), Matthew Taylor (202,202), and Seth Gunderson (200)

In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Matthew Taylor swept Division 1, while nobody claimed victory in Division 2 (though Scott Murdock came closest). Nobody claimed victory in Division 3, and in fact we aren't even going to talk about Division 3 as it was a complete embarassment, and Jesse Sauerbrei rolled his ass to the top of Division 4. In terms of overall points: Ian Estey dominates Division 1; Scott Murdock tops Division 2; Tim Deddens is in the driver's seat in Division 3; and Brian Schaben calls the shots for Division 4.

NEXT WEEK:

• First, on lanes 1&2, 5th-place Walk Offs (hcp 187) will compete against 2nd-place Squid Row. Walkers are expected to maintain their current strength as they get swept; while Squids are forecast to hold steady as they rack up a sweep.
• Moving to lanes 3&4, 4th-place The Queenpins (hcp 3) will share a couple of pitchers with 3rd-place Thots & Spares. Queenpins might roll a little low and just barely lose the series; while Thots ought to drop their average a bit even as they enjoy their victories.
• Finally, on lanes 5&6, 6th-place 3 Pins and a Gutter (hcp 167) will tussle with 1st-place Hot-n-Ready®. Gutterly Pinned is predicted to have a bit of an off night and get swept; while The Ready® is anticipated to hold steady as they rack up a sweep.

^*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)

THIS WEEK'S MVB Seth Gunderson Runner Up: (See Posting)	#1 POWER BOWLER Seth Gunderson Runner Up: Dennis Walling	#1 H2H BOWLER Dennis Walling Runner Up: Matthew Taylor
FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE) "Get ready, I'm planning on getting a turkey tonight" Chris Hagan, to Scoot, as Chris unzipped his fly in the men's room.

Pos.	Team name	Record	Percent	Total Pins	Change
1	Hot-n-Ready®	35.5-12.5	.740	24,911	n/a
2	Squid Row	33.5-14.5	.698	25,070	n/a
3	Thots & Spares	29-19	.604	21,270	n/a
4	The Queenpins	23-25	.479	21,076	n/a
5	Walk Offs	14-34	.292	17,058	n/a
6	3 Pins and a Gutter	9-39	.188	17,469	n/a

Men's High Series Scratch	Women's High Series Scratch
Seth Gunderson - 584 Matthew Taylor - 580 Ian Estey - 578 Ben Spencer - 557 Dennis Walling - 553	JoAnne Barber - 329
Men's High Series Handicap	Women's High Series Handicap
Seth Gunderson - 629 Dennis Walling - 622 Ian Estey - 616 Ben Spencer - 614 Matthew Taylor - 613	JoAnne Barber - 504
Men's High Game Scratch	Women's High Game Scratch
Ben Spencer - 211 Ian Estey - 209 Matthew Taylor - 202 Dennis Walling - 201 Seth Gunderson - 200	JoAnne Barber - 114
Men's High Game Handicap	Women's High Game Handicap
Ben Spencer - 230 Dennis Walling - 224 Ian Estey - 221 Ryan Sisco - 217 Seth Gunderson - 215 Chris Windham - 215 (t)	JoAnne Barber - 172
Men's Pins Over Average	Women's Pins Over Average
Ben Spencer - 35 Dennis Walling - 30 Ryan Sisco - 30 (t) Jeremy Varnell - 25 Ian Estey - 25 (t) Chris Windham - 23 Jesse Sauerbrei - 22