The ninth week of Spring 2026 did not simply unfold—it detonated across the lanes like a perfectly placed strike in a championship frame. But let me set the scene, darlings: nearly a third of the league was absent—vanished, missing, presumably off on wildly questionable side quests—leaving behind a haunting chorus of… breathing. Yes, breathing. In fact, it got so eerily quiet that Most Valuable Bowler Tim Deddens himself reportedly had to ask for the music to be turned up because he was annoyed by the sounds all the lungs were making. And honestly? I get it. I didn't enjoy listening to you people breathing either. For the love of god: stop breathing, dammit!
A few people made good use of the oxygen they were hogging. JoAnne Barber dazzled the crowd with this week’s high game (133) and series (379) for the women, while Chris Windham unleashed a monstrous 236 for the men, and Matthew Taylor stitched together a dominant 598 series like a man possessed by the bowling gods themselves. Trust me, you will want every delicious detail—so lace up, lean in, and also roll forward to this week’s bingo results.
Well hello there, darling readers—Alotta Tenpin reporting live from the hardwood battlefield, freshly returned from… whatever it was I was supposedly covering the past two weeks. Oh yes, the NCAA Championship... where I witnessed the... Tennessee Titans (?) winning the World Series (??) over the Detroit Redwings???? That doesn’t sound right at all now that I say it aloud. What in the world was I doing? What was my editor trying to pull? Was she trying to get rid of me? Anyway, I’m back and positively thrilled to witness Thots & Spares serving up a piping hot 3-win performance against Hot-n-Ready®, who were, tragically, more “lukewarm and waiting” on this night.
Thots & Spares
Thots & Spares were thotfullly spare-tacular, riding high on the smooth, confident arm of AJ Hofmann, whose 500 series led the charge. "Fist my bump," he was repeatedly heard urging his teammates after good frames, and some indeed fisted his bump. And can we talk about Most Valuable Bowler Tim Deddens? The man was beastly—in a good way! Games of 145, 146, and 136? That’s consistency hotter than my OnlyFans channel. Tim, tall and bearded with that ever-present smile, looked like he knew exactly what he was doing… which I assume involves calculating spin velocity using advanced trigonometry. Jim Koger quietly outperformed expectations early before dipping, while Scott Murdock surged late with a 171 to help seal the series win. The team snagged two opening wins and the overall series, and oh, they felt it. “I carried this team like a bowling Hercules,” Deddens said, flexing his wrist in a way that I found particularly sexy.
Hot-n-Ready®
Meanwhile, Hot-n-Ready® endured the kind of night that makes you question your life choices and possibly your footwear. Despite a rally in Game 3, they dropped three of four and looked downright devastated. Buck Nasty—yes, that is his name, I've seen his birth certificate, and yes, I am intrigued—recovered nicely after a rough 120 start, finishing strong with a 165. Nick Kinney and Ian Estey both fell short of their averages, leaving them both standing solemnly like stubborn 7 and 10 pins.
And then there was Seth Gunderson, absent—but not forgotten. Word on the lanes (and by “word” I mean a completely unverified theory I just invented) is that Seth is supposed to be in Canada, specifically Vancouver, but due to a booking error he traveled to Vancouver, WA by mistake and he still hasn't managed to figure out that he's in the wrong country.
Nick, tall and imposing with glasses and a calm demeanor, told me, “Honestly, the pins were leaning wrong. I blame physics.” Bold. Incorrect. Beautiful. Still, they remain in 1st place, which proves that even a rough night can’t keep a good pizza down.
If you like drama, dominance, and a little seafood flair, then darling, Squid Row delivered a full calamari platter of destruction, sweeping The Queenpins in a performance so commanding it should have required a permit.
Squid Row
Matthew Taylor was the undisputed captain of this squid ship, rolling a magnificent 598 series, including a 226 closer (after correcting a mid-game zeroing-out of his score) that had the crowd gasping like they’d just seen a plot twist in a streaming series finale. But the true headline-grabber was Chris Windham—oh my. Towering, a strikingly neat beard, and wearing what I can only describe as aggressively squid-themed couture, Windham detonated a 236 game—79 pins over his average, the highest over-average performance of the night. He also hit his 10th career 200+ game, which I believe qualifies him for some kind of bowling knighthood. He’s also both #1 Head-to-Head and #1 Power-Ranked, which sounds like he might legally own the lanes now. “I simply decided to dominate,” Windham reportedly said, adjusting his glasses like a man who absolutely did.
Now, Squid Row did have two absent members—Ben Spencer and Dennis Walling—and oh, the theories are flowing like lane oil. Ben Spencer, I’m told, is currently in Mexico, possibly negotiating a high-stakes mariachi contract or entering a beachfront bowling league where the pins are coconuts and the balls are… also coconuts.
Dennis Walling, however, has become the subject of what can only be described as a developing situation. Rumors—strictly rumors, but delicious ones—suggest that Dennis may have been arrested following “an incident” during a bourbon distillery tour. Details are hazy, but whispers include phrases like “unauthorized barrel tapping,” “excessive tasting enthusiasm,” and “attempting to declare himself honorary master distiller.” At least one account claims he tried to demonstrate proper bowling form using a whiskey thief, which, I’m told, is not what that tool is for. As of league time, sources say Dennis is currently hoping—perhaps praying—that his Squid Row teammates rack up enough winnings in the league’s side card game to come bail him out. A bold strategy, relying on both cards and squids. Frankly, I respect it.
The Queenpins
The Queenpins, however, suffered a royal tragedy—swept entirely, four losses, a full court heartbreak. And oh, the devastation. Dustin Schmeltz led the effort with a 472 series but started cold with a 130 well below his average before recovering. Ryan Sisco had one shining moment with a 172 but couldn’t sustain it. Dustin, wearing his backwards cap like a rebel without a spare conversion, lamented, “Honestly, I think the pins were intimidated by us and just refused to fall.” That is… not how pins work. Still, the Queenpins drop to 4th, their crowns slightly askew.
But we must address the royal disappearances — Lindsay Sargent and Jon Little, both absent under what I can only assume are extremely dramatic circumstances. Lindsay, sources tell me (and by sources I mean a guy eating cheese sticks two lanes over), may currently be starring in a surprise off-Broadway production titled “Spare Me the Drama”, where every scene ends with someone dramatically knocking over furniture in a perfect 10-pin formation. As for Jon Little, rumors swirl that he has been recruited into a covert government experiment testing whether bowling scores can be improved through interpretive dance. Early reports suggest… mixed results. Frankly, the Queenpins could have used both of them, because being swept like that? Darling, that’s less “queenly procession” and more “royal carriage turning into a pumpkin at midnight.”
Down on lanes 5 and 6, we witnessed a matchup that felt like a cinematic showdown—Walk Offs striding confidently into battle against 3 Pins and a Gutter, who unfortunately lived up to the “gutter” half of their name just a bit too often.
Walk Offs
The Walk Offs walked it off in style, claiming three wins and the series. Brian Schaben steadily improved each game like a fine wine aging in real time—118 in Game 3 was his peak, and frankly, I love a man who builds suspense. But Carl Mueller stole the spotlight early with a 147, well above his average. Tall, blonde, and rocking a “Jungle Law” shirt that raises more questions than answers, Mueller looked like a man who could both defend you in court and out-bowl you in the same afternoon.
Of course, the Walk Offs were missing Chris Hagan and Kurt Fredrickson, and I have uncovered what I can only describe as deeply questionable intelligence. Chris Hagan is reportedly attempting to set a world record for longest continuous nacho consumption, somewhere in a dimly lit sports bar with at least seven TVs tuned to different games. Kurt Fredrickson, meanwhile, is said to be participating in a secret bowling think tank, where elite minds gather to finally answer the question: “What if we just aimed better?” Groundbreaking stuff.
3 Pins and a Gutter
For 3 Pins and a Gutter, it was a rougher ride. They managed just one win and seemed collectively gutted—pun absolutely intended. Nathan Burrows led with a 411 series and the team’s high game, but couldn’t quite pull them through. JoAnne Barber, however, was a shining beacon, capturing the women’s high game (133) and series (379). Composed and quietly deadly on the lanes, she was the calm in the storm. “I did everything right,” she allegedly said, “but gravity was off tonight.” Again, not scientifically sound—but emotionally resonant. The team stays in 6th, still searching for their strike-filled destiny.
What a week, what a whirlwind, what a… possible misunderstanding of multiple sports leagues on my part. But one thing is crystal clear: the lanes were alive with triumph, heartbreak, and just enough chaos to keep things deliciously unpredictable. From Windham’s explosive 236 to Barber’s steady brilliance, this week had everything—except, perhaps, accurate reporting from yours truly during the past two weeks.
Stay tuned, stay rolling, and remember: in bowling, as in life, it’s all about how you handle your splits and whether you wash your hands after handling them — or at least remember to wipe.
Bowlers lounging at The 200 Club include: Chris Windham (236) and Matthew Taylor (201,226)
In this week's Tournament of Champions brackets: Chris Windham triumphed over his enemies in Division 1, while Scott Murdock conquered Division 2. JoAnne Barber walloped Division 3, and Brian Schaben rolled his ass to the top of Division 4. In terms of overall points: Ian Estey governs Division 1; Scott Murdock dominates Division 2; Tim Deddens is in the driver's seat in Division 3; and Brian Schaben calls the shots for Division 4.
NEXT WEEK:
- First, on lanes 1&2, 2nd-place Squid Row will chuck some balls with 5th-place Walk Offs (hcp 177). Squids are expected to maintain their current strength as they sweep the series; while Walkers are forecast to raise their average even as they endure a rough night.
- Moving to lanes 3&4, 1st-place Hot-n-Ready® will meet with 6th-place 3 Pins and a Gutter (hcp 161). The Ready® might perform well and sweep the series; while Gutterly Pinned ought to hold steady as they endure a rough night.
- Finally, on lanes 5&6, 4th-place The Queenpins (hcp 5) will match wits with 3rd-place Thots & Spares. Queenpins are predicted to have a bit of an off night, but split the series with Thots; while Thots are anticipated to hold steady as they keep the series tied.
*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)
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THIS WEEK'S MVB
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#1 POWER BOWLER
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#1 H2H BOWLER
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FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE)
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| Pos. | Team name | Record | Percent | Total Pins | Change |
| 1 | Hot-n-Ready® | 27.5-8.5 | .764 | 18,457 | n/a |
| 2 | Squid Row | 24.5-11.5 | .681 | 18,742 | n/a |
| 3 | Thots & Spares | 19-17 | .528 | 15,929 | +1 |
| 4 | The Queenpins | 17-19 | .472 | 15,763 | -1 |
| 5 | Walk Offs | 13-23 | .361 | 12,964 | n/a |
| 6 | 3 Pins and a Gutter | 7-29 | .194 | 13,040 | n/a |
| Men's High Series Scratch | Women's High Series Scratch |
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Matthew Taylor - 598 Chris Windham - 569 AJ Hofmann - 500 Scott Murdock - 486 Nick Kinney - 477 |
JoAnne Barber - 379 |
| Men's High Series Handicap | Women's High Series Handicap |
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Chris Windham - 672 Matthew Taylor - 631 Tim Deddens - 590 Scott Murdock - 579 Ryan Sisco - 577 |
JoAnne Barber - 556 |
| Men's High Game Scratch | Women's High Game Scratch |
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Chris Windham - 236 Matthew Taylor - 226 AJ Hofmann - 185 Dustin Schmeltz - 175 Ryan Sisco - 172 |
JoAnne Barber - 133 |
| Men's High Game Handicap | Women's High Game Handicap |
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Chris Windham - 270 Matthew Taylor - 237 Ryan Sisco - 224 Carl Mueller - 207 AJ Hofmann - 206 |
JoAnne Barber - 192 |
| Men's Pins Over Average | Women's Pins Over Average |
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Chris Windham - 79 Matthew Taylor - 40 Ryan Sisco - 38 Carl Mueller - 23 Jesse Sauerbrei - 20 |
JoAnne Barber - 7 |
