A stagnated seventh week of Spring 2026 unfolded beneath a sky that seemed determined to rehearse the end of days. Lightning tore across the clouds like celestial claws, hail battered the pavement with the enthusiasm of an Old Testament plague, and for a brief, delicious moment the storm severed the bowling center’s internet connection, leaving the electronic scoreboards blinking and sputtering like frightened witnesses.
Allow me to introduce myself before we descend further into the evening’s proceedings. My name is Damien. Yes, that Damien. The child you may recall from certain unsettling incidents involving falling priests, mysterious accidents, and the mild inconvenience of being the son of Satan in the film The Omen. Normally the beloved sports reporter Alotta Tenpin delivers these wholesome bowling summaries, but she is away on assignment, and when lightning disrupts electronics and fate bends strangely around the pins, management apparently decided the Antichrist would be an acceptable substitute correspondent. I assure you, I bring a certain… perspective.
And so amid thunder that sounded suspiciously like distant infernal applause, the league rolled on. When the storm finally loosened its grip, the score sheets revealed that JoAnne Barber claimed the women’s high game (160) and series (423), while Matthew Taylor captured the men’s high game (231) and series (607) with the calm inevitability of a prophecy fulfilled. Read on for the full chronicle of triumph, despair, and the faint scent of brimstone… and when you are finished, consult this week’s bingo results.
Walk Offs
Thunder rolled across the roof as the Walk Offs approached the lanes, and I must say there was something pleasing about their timing. Dramatic exits have always been a specialty of mine—though in my experience they usually involve flaming wreckage or a priest meeting gravity rather abruptly. Still, a bowling “walk off” has its own charm. Brian Schaben stood out immediately: tall, thin, glasses flashing in the lightning like tiny portals to another world. His 128 in Game 2 steadied the lineup, and I found myself watching him carefully. Some mortals possess the quiet composure that makes them… suitable. One never knows when a vessel may be needed.
Mike Fitzgerald provided the decisive strike energy, delivering the team’s high game of 137 and finishing with a strong 348 series well above his average. Chris Hagan contributed steady frames as the Walk Offs marched through two early victories and ultimately secured the series with three wins. The team’s mood was ecstatic, almost celebratory. Fitzgerald puffed up proudly afterward and declared, “That 137 got the rally going. After that the pins didn’t stand a chance.” Indeed. Few things withstand momentum once it begins rolling downhill… a lesson I learned very young.
Thots & Spares
Across the lanes, the Thots & Spares fought bravely, though fate—an old acquaintance of mine—did not seem especially interested in their success tonight. Tim Deddens bowled with admirable steadiness, recording a perfectly average 390 series while smiling beneath his cap. That calm smile reminded me fondly of Mrs. Baylock, the devoted nanny who once helped ensure my destiny unfolded properly. Loyal people are such treasures.
Scott Murdock struggled below his usual scoring pace, while AJ Hofmann battled through a slightly off 490 series despite a strong 180 in the final game that salvaged the team’s lone victory. Jim Koger delivered two solid games before stumbling in Game 3, and afterward he had a theory about the loss. “Look, lightning knocked out the internet,” he said. “That messed with the scoreboards and probably the lane oil too.” A fascinating suggestion. Personally, I’ve always preferred a more direct approach—falling scaffolding, runaway vehicles, the occasional ominous animal. The Thots remain in 3rd place, though tonight they looked as though unseen forces were quietly nudging the pins against them.
There are evenings when destiny reveals itself in small, painful increments—like watching three lonely pins remain upright while the ball drifts helplessly into the gutter. I have witnessed similar inevitabilities before: broken glass at birthday parties, unfortunate reporters beneath falling windows, the slow realization that prophecy cannot be escaped.
For 3 Pins and a Gutter, the night unfolded much the same way. Jesse Sauerbrei exceeded his average with a 306 series, and Jeremy Varnell added a strong 132 late in the evening. Nathan Burrows, wearing suspenders that felt oddly appropriate as something holding together a universe descending into chaos, missed one game but still finished with a 383 series. Yet the brightest spark belonged to JoAnne Barber. After a modest start she unleashed a 160 and a 156 for a 423 series—the best women’s performance of the night. Watching the pins scatter beneath that surge reminded me of certain events from my childhood when objects simply… flew apart.
Barber’s heroics secured the team’s lone victory. “Once that 160 hit,” she said confidently, “I knew the lanes were mine.” Perhaps for a moment. But the match slipped away, leaving the team in 6th place, staring at the standings the way one stares at an omen carved into stone.
Squid Row, meanwhile, moved through the match like something ancient rising from dark waters. Chris Windham loomed over the lanes with his beard and squid-patterned shirt, bowling steadily while the real storm gathered behind him. Ben Spencer delivered a relentless 545 series, and Dennis Walling contributed key strikes to tighten the grip of victory.
But the night truly belonged to Matthew Taylor. His performance had the unmistakable aura of inevitability—the same sensation people tend to experience shortly before something terrible happens in my presence. Taylor detonated a 231 game, an astonishing 48 pins above average, and finished with a monstrous 607 series. That performance earned him the Holy Trinity: #1 Head-to-Head, #1 Power-Ranked, and Most Valuable Bowler. As if summoned by darker mathematics, he also crossed the milestone of 130,000 career pins and reached 230 career 200+ games.
“I just trusted the line and let the ball do its thing,” Taylor said calmly. Yes… that is often how destiny works.
Yet even prophets occasionally speak words that invite consequences. During Game 3, Taylor reportedly made the grave mistake of saying something rather complimentary about Jesus. I heard it myself. Imagine the audacity—uttering praise for that fellow while I was quietly covering the bowling league.
Naturally, I could not let such a thing go unanswered.
As Taylor stepped into the 10th frame of Game 3 with the sweep still within reach, I made the smallest adjustment to fate. The ball left his hand perfectly… and then, quite subtly, it betrayed him. Just enough to cost Squid Row the sweep by a single point.
Taylor seemed baffled afterward. “I don’t know,” he said with a shrug. “I thought that one was perfect.”
Yes. It was...
Squid Row captured three wins and the series, holding firmly to 2nd place like a many-tentacled creature tightening its grip.
Hot-n-Ready® arrived like something delivered straight from the fiery depths—quick, scorching, and utterly unstoppable. Even with Seth Gunderson absent, the team carved through the match with ruthless efficiency. Buck Nasty battled through an uneven start, while Nick Kinney endured a few turbulent frames that rattled like distant thunder.
Yet the infernal centerpiece was Ian Estey. Though his 499 series was technically below his average, his explosive 194 game ignited the team’s momentum and helped fuel a complete four-point sweep. Watching the chaos of pins flying with each shot reminded me of a certain visit to the zoo in my youth— or moments when flames roared and everyone realized too late that events were spiraling beyond their control.
“That 194 came out fresh,” Estey boasted afterward. “Right out of the oven, or perhaps the Lake of Fire.” The team celebrated their sweep with obvious excitement and remains firmly in 1st place, their dominance radiating heat like a furnace stoked by darker powers.
The Queenpins entered the night with regal ambition, but storms have a way of humbling royalty. Ryan Sisco struggled well below his average, and Lindsay Sargent fought valiantly before stumbling to a painful 66 in the final game. She needed one more 6 there. Jon Little posted a steady 499 series, while Dustin Schmeltz nearly staged a royal uprising with a 177 game and a 482 series.
But the pins continued to fall the wrong way, and the sweep became unavoidable. Watching the match unfold reminded me of coronations that ended… poorly. Crowns topple so easily when destiny intervenes.
“I did my part,” Schmeltz insisted afterward. “Clearly the storm cursed us.” Perhaps it did. Or perhaps some nights simply belong to darker forces. The Queenpins remain in 4th place, their crowns slightly bent but still clinging to hope.
Thus ended a night of thunder, flickering scoreboards, triumphant strikes, and bowlers staring uneasily into the gutters while the storm whispered overhead. The standings remain unchanged—for now. But I have seen enough prophecies unfold to know that stillness is rarely permanent.
Next week the pins will stand again.
The bowlers will return.
And somewhere nearby, I will be watching.
After all… destiny has a way of rolling straight down the lane.
Bowlers who traded their souls to me in exchange for entry into The 200 Club include: Matthew Taylor (231)
JoAnne Barber earned both this season's women's high game and series with her 160 and 423, respectively.
In this week's Tournament of Champions InterDivisional brackets: Matthew Taylor won Group 1, while Brian Schaben topped Group 2. Jon Little spanked Group 3, and Jesse Sauerbrei claimed victory in Group 4.
In terms of overall points within each division after this Interdivisional round : Matthew Taylor tops Division 1; Scott Murdock holds the reins in Division 2; Tim Deddens dominates Division 3; and Lindsay Sargent calls the shots for Division 4.
NEXT WEEK:
- First, on lanes 1&2, 6th-place 3 Pins and a Gutter (hcp 80) will meet with 4th-place The Queenpins. Gutterly Pinned is expected to roll a little low and get swept; while Queenpins are forecast to hold steady as they rack up a sweep.
- Moving to lanes 3&4, 5th-place Walk Offs (hcp 166) will face 1st-place Hot-n-Ready®. Walkers might roll a little low and get swept; while The Ready® ought to raise their average while they rack up a sweep.
- Finally, on lanes 5&6, 3rd-place Thots & Spares (hcp 80) will match wits with 2nd-place Squid Row. Thots are predicted to maintain their current strength as they lose the series but avoid getting swept; while Squids are anticipated to hold steady as they enjoy their victories.
*(Remember, the predicted results above are based on mathematical extrapolations and can be changed by all sorts of factors. If you don't like how your team's results are predicted, you and your teammates have the power to prove the math wrong!)
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THIS WEEK'S MVB
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#1 POWER BOWLER
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#1 H2H BOWLER
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FROM THE GUTTER (GUTTER QUOTE)
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| Pos. | Team name | Record | Percent | Total Pins | Change |
| 1 | Hot-n-Ready® | 22.5-5.5 | .804 | 14,310 | n/a |
| 2 | Squid Row | 17.5-10.5 | .625 | 14,451 | n/a |
| 3 | Thots & Spares | 15-13 | .536 | 12,337 | n/a |
| 4 | The Queenpins | 14-14 | .500 | 12,249 | n/a |
| 5 | Walk Offs | 10-18 | .357 | 9,946 | n/a |
| 6 | 3 Pins and a Gutter | 5-23 | .179 | 10,066 | n/a |
| Men's High Series Scratch | Women's High Series Scratch |
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Matthew Taylor - 607 Ben Spencer - 545 Jon Little - 499 Ian Estey - 499 (t) AJ Hofmann - 490 Dustin Schmeltz - 482 |
JoAnne Barber - 423 Lindsay Sargent - 280 |
| Men's High Series Handicap | Women's High Series Handicap |
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Matthew Taylor - 647 Ben Spencer - 605 Jon Little - 578 Chris Windham - 567 Mike Fitzgerald - 566 |
JoAnne Barber - 605 Lindsay Sargent - 503 |
| Men's High Game Scratch | Women's High Game Scratch |
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Matthew Taylor - 231 Ben Spencer - 194 Ian Estey - 194 (t) AJ Hofmann - 180 Chris Windham - 178 Dustin Schmeltz - 177 |
JoAnne Barber - 160 Lindsay Sargent - 110 |
| Men's High Game Handicap | Women's High Game Handicap |
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Matthew Taylor - 244 Ben Spencer - 214 Chris Windham - 211 Mike Fitzgerald - 209 Ian Estey - 206 |
JoAnne Barber - 220 Lindsay Sargent - 184 |
| Men's Pins Over Average | Women's Pins Over Average |
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Matthew Taylor - 48 Mike Fitzgerald - 28 Brian Schaben - 22 Chris Windham - 20 Ben Spencer - 19 |
JoAnne Barber - 36 Lindsay Sargent - 3 |
